Battle of the Creepy

Welcome back. Did you enjoy your holidays? Did you get what you wanted for Christmas?

No, you didn't, because I took the end of the week off. 

But I'm back, so deal with it. Back from enjoying some beers, some gaming, some Wii Fit (combining exercise and fun is like combining a product and portraying it on TV with my approval: rare, but awesome), and some other stuff, including both Jon Stewart's and Stephen Colbert's books, which both happen to be full of snark. It's quite the recharge.

So let's dive into what will be a comparison of creepiness between a well-recognized advertising gimmick and a brand new character from a company which just piles on the unnecessary cast members.

We begin with the challenger: Geico!

The Geico Gecko: thumbs up. The Cavemen: thumbs up when they aren't forced into a sitcom. Remember that cartoon based off the Budweiser frogs? Yeah, me neither, because Budweiser wasn't a fuckwit. The celebrity colorful descriptions: mostly thumbs up.

A wad of money with googly eyes that don't google (the jiggly sense, not the interweb search sense, of course): thumbs-up-the-butt, a.k.a. thumbs down or thumb screws.

Let's see...put a haughty bitch with lots of pearls (probably from her husband back in the day when he gave a fuck about her) flirting with someone until a Chinese stereotype waiter explains it's money. 

Yes, you dumb bitch, you were flirting with the Benjamins or Jacksons or whatever lingo for cash is hip today. And you gave your husband a huge stink eye for what, taking you to a nice dinner and buying you a huge pearl necklace? Get over yourself, jerkette. I'm siding with Captain Baldy over there.

And thanks for the insurance advice, Chinaman, and then repetition of the word Geico, and the repetition of the word Geico, and the repetition of the word Geico, and APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! No, not Head On, but rather my fist. Do you really need to drop Geico's name once more before you leave the table? It's not like we won't recognize who gave us a sub par ad compared to their rather decent campaigns.

Also, yeah, creepy. A pile of money staring at you. You can feel its eyes boring into your head, waiting for that moment to slip the roofie in her drink. It's not a good feeling. It's also the worst-looking Muppet there is (yes, I know it's not an actual Muppet, but here we are, me not caring and all). It's not easy being green, and it's apparently not easy being tolerable. 

Score 2 creepy points for Bug-eyed Bucks. One for his stare, one for his soliciting Chinese backup.

But now, the Champion's rebuttal.

That's right! The King is back! Not Elvis, not LeBron, but the Burger King, champion of creepers and stalkers everywhere.

Now, see, I know making fun of The King and his stalkeritude is drawn out and blah, blah, blah, but I don't give a fuck. You should've learned that by now. 

Plus, this commercial isn't all that creepy to me. First off, I love this ad campaign. Most of you do, too, which is why he's stayed around and had his share of sexual suggestive appearances (you've seen some, and I've got one more you haven't seen in store), but here I don't see him as suddenly appearing in this guy's bed.

Well, that's not true, but let's spin the story from Ian's brain, shall we?

What we have here is a classic case of 10-5-2. Some of you know where I'm coming from, and you love it, but those that don't, here's a short explanation, and understand this comes from a drunken partying standpoint: 10 when you meet her, 5 when you're makin' out with her, and 2 when you wake up next to her. But instead of a her, it's a plastic-headed fast food mascot.

And you tapped that. Walk of shame for YOU, my friend.

The creepiness isn't really there in this ad, to be honest. Awkwardness, yes, it's abound, but less creepiness than you originally thought, eh?

Well...until you realized it's made you breakfast. Yet you didn't have any crossaints, bacon, or even cheese in your house, nor do you actually have a functioning stove. So how'd he do it? Actually, better question: how'd you do him? That outfit seems difficult to stumble through while smashed, but hey, good for you. You get to not call this guy in the two days he expects and get to avoid eye contact when you have the urge for a Whopper.

So, scorewise, we'll give him 1 point, for the huge head. Non-specified, of course.

2-1 in favor of BeB, but it's not over yet!

Well, okay, it is, but just for tonight. We're makin' this a two-parter, ladies and germs. 

Of course we'll have ratings.

Cuckold (look it up, jerks): 1 divorce and $100,000 you don't have to spend on that bitch of an ex-wife anymore. Oh...wait. Alimony. Sucker.

Whore Wife: 1 fuckwad of money to use as you want. You going to sex it up like it looks like, or are you going to spend it? And if you spend it, what will you buy? A vibrator? Will that not cancel out the original purpose of sexing the fuckwad up? Is this a pointless rant? Yes, it is. Welcome to this blog, people.

Chinaman: Three "Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra"s. You love "A Christmas Story," too. Don't give me that look.

BeB: Last place in the Geico Mascot race. Also, the Geico Gecko and Cavemen didn't compete. That is how hard you lost.

Hungover S.O.B.: 3 Pubic Lice, 2 Awkward Glances, and a Croissanwich for your Piehole.

The King: 6 billion collective shivers from the world over.

See you on Wednesday for the dramatic* conclusion.

*Pointless, yet necessary, but also not necessary at all. Don't know WHERE I'm coming from!

Happy Commercialization of Holidays Week!

Early'd!

Aw, hell, I'm a bitter sumbitch, but even I love me some holiday cheer. Granted, there's the shit-ton of stress everyone gets this time of year, but I'm feelin' good!

That being said, I couldn't find a single horrid Christmas commercial (sorry Hanukkah fans and Kwanzaa-ites, none for you, either), and yes, I know it's always Happy Holidays instead. Well, fuck that. 

Instead, I'll be showing some holiday commercialism that's somewhat decent and pick what I hate out of those. Works for me; better work for you.

We start off raunchy! And in no way is that a good thing here. But my main gripe here isn't that we're forced to expect heavy petting and...well, that's kind of what we get, but the product is not as advertised.

No, not referencing TBWA, which is something I'm totally unfamiliar with (Damn you, Canada), but a dog lickin' his balls. 

I don't just work blue, people. I work purple. Blue and Red with rage. You love it.

But back to the point: the self-fellatio here is the key to the commercial, and funny to boot. But the fact that you see a Christmas tree right there, but the tagline is Happy Holidays. Don't specify with mistletoe, tinsel, and a fucking Christmas tree right there if you mean to include everyone. Throw in a menorah and a kinara if you want to include everyone, you PC pricks!

I still can't get that awful slobbering noise out of my head. Gee-Rose. Pronounced Gross, people.

Movin' on!

At least this one doesn't specify holidays, you segregating sack of crap TBWA!

I really don't have a huge gripe with this one, but with the campaign as a whole. I find these things pretty funny with their awkward situations, like the family at the nude beach, the techno hostel, etc. But lately, AT&T's commercials, which are shades better than those Alltel ones we puked on before, have become almost morbid and scarring. The exploding turkey? The scary dinosaur for your daughter's birthday? This Snowman's death one?

Okay, let's be fair, he does say he'll be back next year. After spending all his time having his limbs torn off by passing dogs, his eyes popping out, all while being naked and then melting, having to spend his time switching between clouds and puddles and the like, probably never being whole again.

But nothing touches on the horror that is this bonus ad:

He was named Slate?! How horrifying is that?!

Actually, not at all. Instead, it's pretty badass. That is, until he went kaboom.

Yes, while I find this commercial to be awesome, it's also showing what AT&T wants their message to be: Get AT&T or You're Dead. Or, as Puff Diddly Doodad would say: AT&T or Die, mothafucka.

But, for all holiday commercials this year, I have to stick with this one as my favorite.

Sorry, Anti-Jesus fans. This one specifically states "Christmas," so if you're someone who loves to bitch, feel free to send Gamestop a message about their insensitivity. Or you can just tell them this commercial is all sorts of awesome.

Yes, we're back on the sex topic, and like before, I don't have many complaints here. We all know the dad's going to cumfiscate those.

Oh, confiscate. Slipped!

Though I'd like to provide a tip for the kid whose room that is: INTERNET. It's all about saving space, jackass. Now just get rid of those dirty mags and get to clickin'. Let your dad keep your Booty Booty Buttcheeks subscription and you can learn the wonders of turning off Google's safe search.

Oh, wait! I've just been informed! We DO have a bad commercial! And it has Santa himself!

Norton Furniture? You DID get my letter, Santa! And you realized what a terrible person I've been, so you gave me just what nobody wanted!

This one has everything you want for Christmas: a hot Mrs. Claus.

Oh, and everything you don't want, like over-sized elves, an obnoxiously loud Santa, and Marc Norton. 

Note the drunken elves, especially the fat one, who decides to get a good whiff of Mrs. Claus' ass by the end of the bit. That's not creepy enough? Then let's have Santa denying you presents because you have bad credit! You may have used all your credit cards to purchase clothing, food, and toys for the broken and homeless and may be well on your way to sainthood, but fuck you! Santa doesn't like your score from Freecreditreport.com, so you're boned!

BUT WAIT! Marc Norton is here and without his actual catch phrases! Instead of getting credit at his store (or you can't get it anywhere), he says he can fix bad credit! Magic! Wonderful!

And he guarantees same-day delivery, you say? How do you know?

"C'mon."

I may've preferred it being because Diddy said Norton fixes bad credit. (Shades Down)

And why the fuck does everyone burst out into laughter after that "C'mon"? Because it's a shitty commercial. That's all the explanation you need, people.

I gave all my ratings to the broken and homeless this week, so you're out of luck, commercials. The good ones get leftover high-fives, Marc Norton gets a lump of coal chucked right at his head.

Happy Whateveryoucelebrate, and I'll see you...next week. I'm taking Friday off. You already got your Norton!

Hypocrisy, thy name is advertising.

First off, not my best start to a new segment here with my twitter review, but I was piss drunk and I was feelin' the Shaq flow. Expect more coherency and more content, but I'm still okay with what I did.

But today we get back to the ads. In fact, we're going to do a little comparison between two different companies with a similar theme: boners.

Yes, as in an erect penis. And yet neither of these companies should be associated with dicks or sex whatsoever. Yet here we are.

The reason for this comparison is because one of these commercials was banned in the U.S. The other one I see on TV regularly. Now, usually you'd expect me to hate one or the other, but in this case, I kind of like both. Of course, that makes for a much more boring experience here, hence the comparison and my ranting being aimed toward censorship more than poor advertising this time.

Let's start off with the banned one.

Apologies for the weird glitches near the end, but not my fault nor my problem!

Here we have IKEA, best known for being the number one proponent for Allen Wrenches ever. A Swedish, I think, furniture company that makes the cheapest, shittiest furniture. And the number one reason college kids have anything to sit on at all.

A commercial with a simple message: guys who can't get to sleep will get turned on by their wives.

Or something like that.

You see the guy uncomfy in an awful bed, and then, innuendo. In YOUR endo. Scrubs references keep coming.

But what happens? Boner!

Wait, no. It's a spring. Because it's a shitty bed. And the guy has erectile dysfunction, so he can't actually get it up, which is why she was sleeping and he was lying awake from embarrassment. Or so I interpreted it. And you did, too. And if not, then you're welcome for my analysis.

This commercial was banned, which doesn't seem to be uncommon for IKEA. They have one with a kid playing with regular toys, matchbox cars, and a vibrator. The message being "Tidy Up." Effectively put, I'd say. Youtube lists several more banned commercials in the "related" section, and with America's "Sex is Bad" censorship, you can't be too surprised.

But then we come to this.

Yes, Arby's = Sex. Gross.

Like I said, I like both commercials, but THIS one I see every day. Let's dig in:

It's chubby's (teehee!) birthday. His wife/girlfriend roleplays for him as a special gift. Not unheard of, right?

Then the twist! She roleplays as an Arby's counter worker carrying in some delicious* fast food, obviously uncomfortable that her guy enjoys such a fantasy. And then what?

Schwing! 

Yes, people, he gets an implied boner. From a chicken sandwich (heh, COCKadoodle doo! So clever). Oh, and his pretty attractive girl.

Not quite my Liv Tyler as Zelda fantasy, but to each his or her messed-up own.

Both pretty entertaining commercials, to be honest. But there's a problem. The one that was banned ultimately shows that the innuendo? It's the reason for the ad. The broken bedspring, which then implies "Come get IKEA's furniture! It will also break on you, and probably without hilarious situations, but it only costs $2.50!" All implications of sex are taken away with the big (heh) reveal.

But the Arby's commercial goes the opposite way. The product brings on the innuendo. It's telling us this guy gets a hard-on for sub-par chicken. The Arby's logo isn't exactly innocently shaped in this ad.

Yet the one that resolves without sex is the one banned, while the one that results in naughtiness is the one shown in heavy rotation.

I know I bring a lot of hate to advertising, but fuckin' A, America. You can't even get this one right with two decent commercials. You go with the greater of two evils, you putz.

Fuck! Now I'm just pissed. Well, I was pissed, and now I'm Aryan Raging. Guess I'll go oppress some people, as it is my style.

I'll try to dig up an awesome/awful holiday-themed commercial for Christmas Eve. Expect pure loathing on that day.

*Tolerable if you pretend what you're eating isn't rubber meat made from the same company that makes synthetic poop and puke. Heheh. Meat.

New thing!

Well, it's Saturday, I just got back from partying, and you know what you get, besides me typing better than I should? Twitter reviews!

....What.

Yeah, that's right. Twitter reviews. It's going to be a Twitter/Webcomic review site on the weekend, and because I am W to the A to the Sted I am reviewing a twitter because it is shorter and easier than a webcomic. You are lucking out because I am taking care in my typeitude.

So here we go: an instant classic (as hard as that phrase it to swallow): 

"Its so cold in porland the sun just sent me a text, yo shaq ill c u n may Schwwwwwww"

You know who that is from? Shaquille O'Fuckin'Neal. 

You know what it means?

It means the largest heavenly body the most of us relate heat to (THE FUCKIN' SUN) actually sent a text message to Shaq. It happened. There's textual proof. Ask the man.

Do you doubt Shaq? What is WRONG with you?!

As for now, that is all. Why? Because I am 120% less sober than you.

Sober editor's note: I approve of drunk Ian's ideas. 

A feature? Already? Hurray!

So, we're finding ourselves (myself) getting established here, enjoying a steady schedule, and already I have a set idea for Fridays, at least for a while.

Ladies and germs: Norton Furniture Fridays.

Yes, the man you know and loathe will be joining us every Friday to show us some of the worst local ads you'd find anywhere. The man is a god amongst poor credited folk.

With that said, let's get down to the puke du jour: a double Marc Norton feature, just for you all to spit on.

This two parter doesn't really tell a story, but they are somewhat related. Religion in furniture sales. Makes sense, right?

Don't worry, it really won't.

Now, I'm not a very religious man, nor much of a scientific one, but any schmo with a degree in common sense can see things wrong in both categories here.

First off, lightning. We know the phrase that "lightning never strikes the same place twice." But no one told  Marc Norton that! He takes the laws of science into his own greasy hands.

Okay, it's a low budget commercial, but we need some sense. Just a bit. That's all I'm asking, Marc. Not only does lightning strike (with awfully timed thunder, of course) the same place twice, it does it thrice, and the quice. Or fourice. Is there a word for four times? Get back to me on that.

Also, note that lightning generally strikes the tallest thing around. In this case, it's a giraffe. Okay, so maybe God (with his wonderful neckbeard...as a late night cartoon once said, "A beard's not an excuse for a jawline!) didn't want to kill the one giraffe around, but could he not have struck Marc, ended this piss poor campaign, and then given Noah the tools and wood? Is that not how the Bible story went? 

Also, I just mentioned there was only one giraffe. There's also only one of the other animals, too. Low budget be damned, I want some damn realism. And, don't look now, but we've got ourselves a nice corralling situation. Let's just surrounded our helpless herbivores with...I dunno, what do we have in stock? An alligator/crocodile? Either one works. Oh, and a panther? Fantastic! Put them both looking menacingly toward the pig. That won't fuck up the past and, consequently, the present.

Noah seems pretty skeptical about all of this. An amish-bearded deity and then chain-smoking, hippo-riding sonofabitch shows up. And drunk. Marc threatening Noah and then falling off hippo is both the most senseless move I've seen in Norton Furniture history so far AND the best drunken moment in commercials that I've touched on so far. Sure, the ONLY drunken moment, but the best nonetheless.

And then Noah says "fuck it." Sure, he doesn't actually say it, but when you're presented with the shitty situation and whacked out events that just occured, what would you do? Smoke up, I'm sure, but I'm guessing Noah's either already high or out of the good stuff.

And what Bible story wouldn't be complete without threats of eternal damnation?

Yes, Marc Norton avoids the lightning bolt obviously meant for him (that lightning is what I pray for before I go to sleep) by drunkenly spilling off his 3 foot plastic hippo, but he's no match for high cholesterol! Yes, Marc Norton, master of spinning suicide for furniture commercials and then wrecking Noah's story has now dug further by having himself keel over.

But what of the ability to get furniture, even with bad credit? Where will we go now?!

To hell, of course.

Good news for people who have credit problems, you'll still go to hell.

Wait...good news? If you go to heaven or don't believe in that stuff, sure. But if you end up in hell with this fella...well, enjoy.

But that's not all you've won! You also won a non-descript white devil, two ugly devil women, and one devil in decent devilish makeup! Huzzah!

But wait, there's more! You also win Tom Selleck hissing in your ear! We promise his breath will be as good as this commercial. 

Is Selleck THE Satan? Or is he just Lucifer P.I.? Who cares, the reference is deader than Marc Norton*.

There's really not much more to be said about these commercials, which combined total a horrific one minute of neuron-frying TV, but there's always a piss-poor ratings system.

Deg-ratings! Pun'd!

-God: thanks for the world and life and all, but keep your hands out of this. Take a step back and think about it. All of us are created in your image. But then there's Marc Norton. 3 Plagues for you, sir. And some plaque.

-Noah: You look younger than I remember you. And now you're helping sell furniture. Minus 2 of every point for you.

-Devils: If you're what I get to see when/if I go to hell, then I'm sure I did something fucked up in life. One mediocre point for the mediocre white devil, two powder puffs and three lipsticks for the uggos, and a transfer for the "realistic" devil. A transfer to middle management. That's hell, ain't it fellas? HA!

-Tom Selleck: I take it you're in hell for that "In & Out" movie about a gay Kevin Kline and a gayer you? Nothing against the gay community. I am a theatre person, after all, but you know what those "always" right conservatives say: those who like the same sex always end up in the hecks. I wish they'd say that, at least. It'd be funnier.

-Marc Norton: You get 0 points, and you can count on it.

Stay tuned for nerdier updates tomorrow. Hint: it involves the interweb. The one you're on right now!

*No, he's not dead. Not for real, anyway. Which means we'll continually get new advertising from him. Yay.

Bait 'n Switch: an example of how this doesn't work.

It's Wednesday and you're stuck here. I'd apologize, but...nah. On with the show!

Today, a story will be told. A story of romance, of excitement, of drama, and of terror.

Nah. More like "of terror-ble!" Sound it out.

Instead of all that shit I just said, you get the story of cellular companies. That's it. Well, that, and how they switched actors mid-campaign and thought we wouldn't notice. 

Oh, and also thought we'd like the switch and that it would drum up more business. 

Oh! And, when they noticed we didn't understand the switch, they tried a viral video they thought would be just hilarious! You'll be in stitches*! 

*From slamming your head into the wall from this, not from laughter. You should know better by now.

I present to you the story...of Alltel Wireless.

We begin with a rare attempt by Alltel. First, there's no Chad. You know who Chad is. You've seen these commercials. If you haven't, you don't have a TV or are mercifully blind. Second, it's not bad. It's not good, but it's not bad, either. It does what it has to.

What I like? Not much, but that's a common occurence. I do like that the characters represent their product, or at least the aspects that Alltel wants you to see (the shitty aspects). 

We start off with Anthony Michael Hall Jr. (watch a John Hughes film, people) representing Cingular...or AT&T, depending on what year you watch this. Right now? Doesn't matter. 

We then get to Ginger (the professor and Mary Ann) as Verizon, which I've had since I've had a cell phone, so I see him as the hero of these ads. That is if you can consider cell phones heroes, which normal people won't...as they're phones.

Cut to the Sprint Fatty gorging himself on food court tacos. Tasty AND nutritious. Or neither. Yeah, neither. At least he realizes it's rude to talk with your mouth full. He also realized it's rude to act in an eventually atrocious ad campaign. More on that later.

Finally, Kumar portraying T-Mobile as White Castle contracts are in the works. Hey, I'm not racist. Look at him and tell me he doesn't look like a slightly malnourished Kal Penn. Take your time, google Kal Penn, and I'll be here waiting.

What we get is a pathetic attempt at bringing down Alltel, the cool kid of the cell clique. The sports hero.  Wait. Alltel...All-Star. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it.

They've never had 10 friends, they're fat, they're useless, yeah, we get it. You've driven that point home through your entire campaign, but! What this specific commercial does is pick one thing each cellular company blows at. Except Cingular...who somehow gets off scott-free. Well, until they get consumed by AT&T and are the exclusive company for iPhone...jerks. I don't care if Verizon's new Blackberry is neat. We all want to be hipsters. It's hip.

Anyway, Verizon can't contact too many people outside of his network, T-Mobile can only really send emails, and Sprint's free minutes don't come up until after 7. Oh, and he's fat. Didn't you get that with the face stuffing thing? It's apparently a (spoiler alert) HUGE FLAW. Fatty's are undesirable, and so are their phone plans. Way to campaign, Allsmell. HA.

It's not a perfect commercial by any standards, but comparatively, it is now just a shell of its former mediocre self.

And then, the Sprint guy quit because he's the smart one. Easy money's one thing, but dignity? You can't buy that. At least not after continually associating yourself with an ad appealing to a 5th grade demographic. Your balls fell? Use Alltel! 

I'd obviously make a much better ad exec. Call me, businesses, we'll talk contracts. 

But then...they added Adam Herschman, and...well, just watch. 

He is a vacuum for good things. And I don't mean like a Hoover, where he could suck in good things and store them for himself. Take that as you will. I mean he's a black hole. All that is enjoyable is rendered nonexistent when he shows up. He is the reason Carlos Mencia exists.

Is that two Mencia digs since I've started this blog? Good. I feel on schedule.

Those poor child actors may be teased every recess now. We can only hope they got a sweet penny out of this.

But Herschman. He doesn't get a nickname because you can say his name with such disdain. Herschman. His unnecessarily abrasive voice coupled with his immobile face makes me miss the old fatty. 

Not only does he get half the lines (his character, at least), that completely takes away from Ginger and Kumar, who get to do nothing but stand and look menacing. Or like douches. Your call. 

Nah, my call. Douches.

Why Alltel dug down into the recesses of repulsive, we'll never know. The commercials could've still stayed mediocre without Herschman and with any other chubby actor with nothing to lose. But nope. They've completely dug themselves into a hole they can't get out of. Why? Because Herschman.

It gets worse.

That viral video explaining why there's a new Sprint guy?

Learning how to speak whale. Something that could've been funny either A) Before Ellen DeGeneres did it "Finding Nemo" or B) Done by someone funny. At least B, Alltel, c'mon.

But no, what we have is a mannequin spouting off what could've been a decent viral video. A douchebag whose whale calls sound more like pterodactyl cries...y'know, had I heard an actual pterodactyl. Or you can say he sounds like he's being choked to death. That's always more appealing than anything else Herschman has actually done.

Alltel, I expect an apology from you. Get it to me, I'll distribute it to all the people you've hurt with this. Trust me. Man up and do it.

Obvious Ratings:

-Cingular/AT&T: I liked your dad in "The Breakfast Club." Sorry you got the shaft on the acting scale. 2 bars.

-T-Mobile: I still haven't seen Guantanamo Bay all the way through. Also haven't been high for it. We'll fix that soon, I promise. 3 bars.

-Verizon: Thank you for being an okay service, but fuck you for having fragile phones. I don't care if mine have been stomped on after a jump shot or thrown in a urinal. You should still work, asshole. 2.5 bars.

-Fatty Sprint: Good call, man. Good call. 5 Bars.

-Herschman. Get out of my movies and TV. 1 Snickers bar. Hope you choke on it.

-Chad: You're still a ding-dong! You ring wrong! Pretend this is sing-song! Did you see that panda Wing-Wong? Let's go play some ping-pong. 

Rhyme time is over, people. Get the fuck outta here!

But send in requests. BackDStage9@gmail.com.  These commercials work fine, and I've got many more, but I want to see your local ones. They make for the best* watching.

*Worst.

Jack in your FACE!

Different mood! Let's see how it rolls.

You may recall, back in the day (about 5 days, actually), when I tore into a recent fast food advertising campaign, and said there would be many more to follow, since...well, a lot of fast food ads depict total crap, i.e.: a wedding cake made of McNuggets. If I wanted an annulment that bad, I would probably have a bachelor party during the wedding instead. At least the money would be better spent.

But no! What I bring to you today is going to be a humor twofer. Two commercials that go hand-in-hand and are actually funny. 

Yes. I do like some things.

Be warned: this video is unnecessarily loud.

Jack-in-the-Box, a fast food joint probably best known for its murder burgers, or rather it's E. coli fiasco in the early 90's. Now known for not being anywhere near my house so I can't actually try it. I'm looking at you, too, Sonic.

It's a short 'n actually sweet commercial, so, this being a ranting area...we'll be a little short on that today.

But do y'get it?! They're talking about the BUTT! 

I mean...the RECTUM!

Guh, I mean the SPHINCTER!

The POOP CHUTE!

There. Joke properly ruined! Glad to know you come here for the class.

Seriously, though, this commercial's pretty slick (like mud butt, teehee!) with only one actual flaw.

Burger King's your competition? What. 

No, wait. That's sensible. I see where you're coming from. Just like this year's Detroit Lions are competition for, let's say, the Tennessee Titans. That's sporty, right? Only, in that case, you have one stellar team and then you have the Detroit Lions.

No...that's pretty much the same here.

Sorry, Jacky, but while your ad was mad...mad AWESOME, that is...you don't exactly rank on BK's top rivals list. Maybe if you ran a campaign featuring a funeral with a coffin constructed of sirloin patties, you'd be more like McDonald's, an actual rival, who has probably caused more heart disease related deaths than you hope your E. coli phase could have provided. Thank you, Morgan Spurlock.

Bonus commercial, since it ties in perfectly with the previous one.

Ohhhhh! Angus...Anus! That's the word! Geez, what a brain fart I had.

Fart...Anus...I'm almost as dignified as Jack-in-the-Box. Hi-yo!

That's all this one is, too. One long butt joke. And I'm okay with it. Why? Because these people will do anything to get people to buy their food. I probably won't because of the whole "diseased meat" and the "why don't you actually have a restaurant in my area?" deals.

To be fairly honest, you will probably see many more J to the I-T-B ads on here when I'm feeling less snarky and more neat. They run good campaigns, most of them almost going over the line, and I like that. I'm in my 20's. Crassitude is just fine.

Ratings? Sure.

-3 High-fives, 2 for the 1st commercial and 1 for the follow up as a bonus-five. 

-2 large snow balls to give Jack his entire body back so he won't feel out of place when he visits Frosty this holiday season.

-1 Anus burger to BK because that's the message here. You sell butt burgers. Heehee! Butt.

See you Wednesday when I'm back to being surly. And I love being surly.