Weeeeeeeeird

Okay, so I'm in a strange mood. I'm not really pissed off enough to properly tear into a commercial I hate, nor am I content enough to praise one I enjoy.

So you get a hybrid.

Get it?

You don't?

Oh, that's because it's a car commercial NOT ABOUT THE CAR.

And yes, there IS a car, and you assume the message is that because the pet is a hybrid pet, and a creepy lookin' dogfish at that, that the car would ALSO be a hybrid, but no mention of that anywhere. Can't find it in the commercial. Can't find it on the interweb. Can't. Find. It.

Wouldn't that have made sense? Should I give up on the logic now?

But the commercial's kinda neat in its own right. I mean, considering we all know how wet dog smells, and that fish reek, and then you combine both aspects and keep it as a pet. If you love that odor, then hey, more power to you! If you don't? Then you're pretty normal, and more power to you.

Maybe if the dog didn't look like the failed mutant experiment done onto the senator by Magneto in the first X-men movie (obscurish pop culture reference: check), then it would be even cooler to have. Then again, it's fake, so that's a damper on our plans.

So, going through the commercial itself, I don't have any real qualms with it, outside not having a clue what the guy says, if anything. It isn't an American commercial (at least not North American), so there's an excuse. I totally get what the dog's saying, though, so we're good there. I take it dogs don't really have that language barrier per country. Per species, sure, but not country.

He runs, he swims, he slobbers on the ball that's in his owner's mouth, he pees in the ocean (who doesn't? Gross), he chases a cat, the cat chases him (yeah, I laughed out loud at that part [I LOL'd, considering you people only understand webcronyms]), and he gets caught in a net. All the normal activities of your everyday dogfish.

Stop telling me it's not real! I want to belieeeeeeeeeve!

Actually, I wanted to point out that "fishing" part. I particularly enjoyed this commercial and didn't see any deeper message. If you want to put a deep message in a commercial, it'd be a PSA, and it would be very preachy for a car commercial (unless it was about pollution, but it's not here). 

But, lo and behold, if you go to the actual Youtube page where this video is hosted, you can find yourself among comments like "Why does this commercial make my (Snickers)* hard" and "Before I die, I'm gonna (have an enjoyable afternoon at the ballpark with)^ a dogfish." ~

*Because you put it in the freezer.

^Good for you! That's a good goal.

~Not the real words, but hey, even I'm not that vulgar. Or am I? Nope.

But besides those lovely Youtube comments (internet oxymoron: check), you can find ones that fight for fish rights. Yes, questions that plague our existence. Would we stick a hook in a dog's mouth like we do with fish? I mean, if we don't fish for dogs, why would we fish for fish? Because that's what the word's for and how a lot of people made their living back in the day, or perhaps just how they ate that night? 

Sorry. I forgot where I was and tried the "sense" thing again.

Nope, no deeper message, folks, but it would've been awesome, as I said before, if this was a hybrid car, but it's not. It's a hybrid pet. Not a hybrid car. It's a Spacefox.

Wait, wouldn't that be an awesome commercial? A fox in space? Oh...yeah...that dog, Laika. Whoops. Same idea, sadder outcome. Stupid Cosmonauts.

Maybe...a foxy woman in space...selling cars? Yes. Volkswagen, go for it. I'll be waiting.

Ratings time, ratings time, ratings time makes me feel so fiiiine!

-Dogfish: Not quite Catdog's (semi-tolerable cartoon reference: check) sense of conflict, but hey, neat! 3 Wormbones for you. Who's a good, nonexistent boy? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

-Surfer Dude: I'm taking your pet. 2 guinea pigs to recover from the loss. You'll get a new dogfish someday. When they become real, of course.

-Fisherman: 4 contracts from China to catch more dogfish for them. Does China really put dog in their food? If so, then my statement stands. If not, then I bring stereotypes to the table, and you read them, and you probably nodded when I said it, too. You racist.

-Youtube: 1 screening process. It would be good for all of us, I promise.

Remember, hit me up at imadnauseam@gmail.com if you have any requests. I want your bad commercials. Well, "want" is the wrong word. But you know what I mean.

Also, if you enjoy reading this shlock, spread the word. Leave the comments. Throw the rotten vegetables. I don't care, just lemme know if you're out there, people, for fuck's sake!

(Going through the entire thing without one F-bomb: check)

(Wait, what? I did? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.)

Come on, Youtube

Head's up: if you find any links not working, feel free to email me at

imadnauseam@gmail.com

Yeah, I made an email specifically for this. I'm that dedicated.

Also, use it to email me any requests you have. If you have a local commercial that makes you cringe? Hit me up with a link, or even just send me the company's name and a description and I'll do my best to hunt it down. The worse, the better.

Thanks (or no thanks, if you're a jerk)!

It's not fast food, It's tasty.

That would be a better tagline, in my opinion. Thankfully my opinion is all you get here.

Wendy's: tasty, cheap, and their chicken sandwiches are even better than elementary school chicken patties. I know! I was surprised the first time I had one of theirs, too, and I realized that I would never have a normal "hot lunch" again. 

Is "hot lunch" a sexual tactic? If it is, I'm sorry.

Just Googled that, and I continue to be sorry. Then again, would you rather have a spicy chicken sandwich or a "hot lunch" today? Exactly.

Wait, is "spicy chicken sandwich" a sexual tactic? If it is, then what the fuck is wrong with people? And why do I expect half of you to come up with what it could be?

You people are what's wrong with the fast food industry. Wait. No. These commercials are. And the awful things fast food does to your body. And pretty much everything but Wendy's and sometimes BK. 

Alright, successfully tossed off track and re-track'd. We've got a value menu of Wendy's commercials for you. Yes, you can watch these commercials for cheap and they won't fill you up at all, and some of them may make you sick if you overindulge.

Movin' on.

Why.

Why?!

WHY?!

WHY THE F--actually, I like this one.

But it was banned.

FUCK.

So we have three sub par Wendy's commercials and one good one (that no one gets to see because it's too awesome for your eyes). 

We go in reverse chronological order!

Numero 1) Starting us off, I know you've had to have been forced to watch these in the middle of pretty much anything you watch, and yes, the entire series with these guys is awful, but what can spice up a commercial? An ethnicity portrayed a completely different ethnic group? Did it work? 

NO! You knew it wouldn't. Little can save an awful ad campaign unless you kill off the characters, which would get the commercial banned, and subsequently I would enjoy it. It's the circle of suck, people.

Why did I choose this one out of the several that plague our TV airwaves? Because it's short. Of course, we all know short things can be awful. Hell, Randy Newman put that in a song. He was also a dick. Well, so am I, but my voice isn't as funny. 

Actually, go ahead and pretend the rest of this is read by Randy Newman, see if that doesn't give you a perspective on how ricockulous this all is.

But, yeah, even short commercials can bring about stabbing pains. Meaning either the pains are so sharp from the awfulness of it all, or you will want to stab yourself, preferably in your eyes or ears to never have to deal with all this again*.

*Don't stab yourselves over a commercial. Just punch a random passerby. Share the pain.

Look at that ad! Even the guys that normally taint our television are awkwarded out. It's not acting, people. There is no other reaction you can give that Annoysian (think about it, and it's meant toward him, not the rest of you, who I like despite your mathematics genius and your love for cameras [two stereotypes for the price of one, on the house]) than to be disgusted. 

You dry-heaved when you watched it, didn't you? I did.

Number the 2) brings us what was supposed to kick off a brand new style of Wendy's commercials. I remember reading in the newspaper they had filmed a bunch in the same way, the stupid Wendy's wig, blah blah don't give a fuck. The newspaper also claimed it was Wendy's trying to reinvent its advertising, attempting to bring a new level of humor to their ads.

It. Didn't. Work.

I get it. People kicking trees? Yeah, it represents everyone going to other fast food places because "everyone's doing it." You can hear your parents saying "if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" And I ask "did I just force myself to watch awful advertising to try to entertain/annoy people?" And then I jump.

But it's only a 1 foot high bridge, so I'm okay. Lucky you!

Explain to me why a frozen burger would end up dry. When you unfreeze a burger, does it not get wet when you grill it again? Isn't "frozen" usually related to "ice" which is made from "water" or am I making too much sense?

Sure, there's probably more to it, but I'm not here to agree with TV.

If this guy can tear a phonebook in half with his bare hands, and if he can not copy Will Ferrel when he "acts," then yeah, maybe I'll buy into this. But he can't stop lying or copying, so I'm out.

Number 3 for me) is the most unrealistic one of all.

First off, let me say that I understand the point of this. I know that Wendy's is saying their breakfast is better than what's presented before this guy.

But, also let me say my scenario is better. It always is.

So we've got this guy on a beach with a hot librarian. Note again that this is a beach, and if you can go to the beach and find a hot librarian, this is going to be a good day.

But! She also transforms into a blonde.

Wait. Three blondes! You may not be man enough, but you better give it a fucking shot! Heh, fucking. Pun'd.

But nope. You skip out on it for a Wendy's breakfast. What would've been better? Maybe, I dunno, getting your foursome on with Magic Chick(s) and then getting breakfast with them? Or without, your call, as long as you do the deed.

What, it's a dream? Well, fuck that. Minus the guy...uh...vacuuming the ocean, I didn't even realize it was all supposed to be a dream. Can't Wendy's give the guy a break and make it a reality? 1-3 hot women who want a normal guy and top it off with a bacon sammich? 

So, yeah, I guess I don't hate this one for it's awful situations or bad acting, but rather because you screwed the guy over by not screwing him over and over and over!

But, 4thly) the good commercial that was BANNED. The FCC does ruin a lot of things, but does it have to take away good ads? Apparently.

I don't really have much to say about it. It's funny, and I like it. They also bring in a stereotypical Indian (no, I don't think they all drive cabs or work in 7-11s, but rather that they are all doctors...real life references, people) to administer this test. 

And then fatty goes boom. Hurray!

So I guess I do have a...beef...with this commercial! Yes! Two puns!

Yeah, but my complaint is more about the censorship. I take it that Wendy's isn't allowed to go the Morgan Spurlock route and show fast food kills people? Even if it's with an explosion and not organ failure? 

Nope, explosion's too real. Three of my friends have gone that way after enjoying some spicy Wendy's. Those poor bastards never got to...to eat their Frosties!!! Bwaaaah-haaaaa!!

Yeah, melodrama OVER.

So, the lesson today, kiddies, is the lesson I give every time: commercials suck, and when they don't, you won't see them. 

Except sometimes. 

Ratings, in viewed order: fail, fail, fasianail, Will Ferrail, fail, HOTHOTHOTHOT, and win-win.

Catch you when I feel like it.

(Two things: assholes took the first commercial off on the one I had embedded, so I had to give you one with an Adult Swim bit at the beginning. Secondly, yes, he's in The Dark Knight, but he also made this. Bad > Good here.)

I type it louder

As stated before, I'm a Clevelander, and I love my Cleveland sports teams, even if they are generally awful (yes, I know I wasn't alive/into sports during The Catch, The Fumble, The Shot, The Drive, and Red Right 88, but it's in my blood, damnit!), but I felt a little crappy when Progressive Insurance bought the naming rights for Jacobs Field, where the Cleveland Indians play.

Sure, the Cavs' "Richfield Coliseum" became "Gund Arena" and then "Quicken Loans Arena," but at least they call that last one "The Q." The Indians' "Progressive Field" just sounds like every other sponsored stadium. Couldn't call it Pro Field? Too corny? Fuck you, I like it. And it's not like the Indians progressed at all once the stadium was named that. Shit.

But it wasn't just that name that bothered me. Soon after Jacobs Field was renamed (as I will continue to call it that and not it's new moniker), new Progressive.com commercials started popping up. Past ones had Ryan Stiles, and I do like funny people, so maybe these guys would be good. Hell, if Safe Auto can come up with their catchy jingle and Geico can be generally funny (fuck you, Fuckwad), then Progressive can keep up with them, right?

WRONG. You should've learned that by now.

Also, feel free to note that the video quality is the same the ad's quality.

So this is what the internet looks like? All white and clean? Has this person ever been on the interwebs?

Okay, I get it, the commercial is showing that Progressive.com is a safe, easy way to shop for insurance online, so they have to spiff up what we encounter every day. So no LOLs, no porn (shit!), and no flaming. Not realistic, but hey, they want to make a good name for themselves.

And holy shit, 350 dollars! Isn't that supposed to be their average projected savings by every customer who switches to Progressive, or that's at least what they want to portray, right? So if everyone that comes into that storeternet pretty much gets that savings, they all get that annoying voice congratulating them over the PA? Balls to that.

But look on the bright side! Super savings and bonuses! Concierge claim service, local response claims service, 24/7 live support, and probably a Trojan because you can't go on a website without fucking up your hard drive somehow. Oh, you can expect some spyware, too, so Progressive can see when you search other insurance sites and then mess your stuff up. They don't take kindly to browsers.

Clarification: people who browse for other insurance. But, hey...that works for internet browsers, too! Take note of my apparent wittiness.

And of course Mr. Guy's all excited. Even a "wow!" escapes his lips. But then that annoying hipster chick has to say it louder. Whitey keepin' the brothas down, right? 

Oh, I can't say that? Oh, yeah, I'm white, too. Whoops.

So apparently there IS flaming in this commercial. Doing something on the internet and then someone trying to do better in a passive-aggressive manner. That's what I want from my insurance reps is cockiness. Especially from a woman who ate a red popsicle or went down on Clifford, depending on how awful you want it to be. I like to provide you with options.

Another example? Why, I'm glad you asked!

Same idea. Same $350. But this guy doesn't get his savings broadcast to the rest of the apathetic intershop. Lucky jerk.

Also, same oneupmanship. A guy celebrates with a noise maker? Sure, it's the New Year, and he just saved decent bucks on insurance? Wait, what's that? Some dumb bitch has to play her noise maker louder and pretend it's a song that she wrote? What creativity! That will surely bring in more customers with our annoying, braggart sense of advertising! Huzzah!

You can tell that hipster chick went to Julliard and majored in Sucking At Music. I was going to go with "Blowing At Music" but that's how a lot of instruments are played. There's your nugget of knowledge for the day. Use it tomorrow at work and impress your water cooler friends. Or your fry station friends. I'm no judge. If I were, that would be awesome, but no.

Late breaking realization! Her name's Flo! That sucks! Sorry to all Flo-fans out there, but hey, gotta stick with my gut.

Auld Lang Ratings.

-Mr. Guy: Hey, congrats on your generic insurance purchase and saving $350. Maybe you can get a bit more from suing Progressive for being treated like an idiot by personnel. 350 lawyer points to help you out there.

-Mr. New Year's Guy: Hope you enjoyed your new insurance, too, and your subsequent party with a surly attitude after dealing with Flo. 350 drinking points. You'll need them.

-Flo: Your lipstick does not deter attention away from your split-ends and everything else. I bet you're actually a cool person in real life, but yeah, stop doing what you do. 350 new job points. Use them. NOW.

That's it until Friday. We'll see how the mood goes. You might get something generally enjoyable to watch, which means someone less angry to read, when means less entertaining, but still! Git!

BK vs. Fuckwad: The Redux

Through all the blogs...

All the internet you've ever seen...

Nothing has ever been so mind-blowingly intense...

So...mind-numbingly DRAMATIC...

Until the most intense, dramatic, bloggy, internetful post...yet to come...

UNTIL NOW!

Just like how ER advertises every episode is the most intense episode yet, I figured I'd give you a dose on what bad advertising is like, even plugging TV shows.

Wait, I do that all the time? Well why the hell didn't you tell me before? I figured this was for all my private feelings and secret crushes and flowery dreams. 

Well, thanks for the notice now, asshole.

Anyway, one week later, here's the continuation and conclusion of The Battle of the Creepy!

This week, we will start with The King, who fell behind on his last attempt. Let's see if he can up the ante.

Unh-tss-unh-tss-unh-tss-unh-tss.

Have I properly shifted the mood to sexy? Yeah, I did.

So you're in a British strip club, sitting there and expecting some woman with Caesarean scars and enough cellulite that you believe they had to have bathed in cottage cheese before gettin' on the pole, BUT WAIT!

It's The King to the rescue*!

*Horror. To the horror, yes.

So instead of expecting to see some hot 'n sexy meat, you get hot 'n sexy meat. But this one you can touch! Plus, it'll give you good taste AND a heart attack instead of an erection you can't satisfy.

Well, okay, maybe you can have the erection still, your call.

So, is it creepy? A bit. Shocking, definitely. A bit disturbing, of course. But still, you have The King giving you a show with a single tassel (you know where it stems from, you sicko). But what do you get beforehand? A triple bacon burger. Best strip club visit ever? 

Yes. Oh, God, yes.

But just creepy enough to overtake Fuckwad. I know I had a different name for him before, but I don't remember what it was and Fuckwad fits so much better, don't you think? Yep, you do.

Can even the scrappy newcomer take top creeper from a well-established peeping Tom?

If you don't say "Yes, that's the creepiest fucking pile of money I've ever seen," then you have to introduce me to your stack of Benjamins some other time.

Sure, we last saw Fuckwad at a restaurant eyeballing your woman/you, but this time, he found out where you work. And no, he didn't decide to just see what floor your office was on and visit, telling your secretary that you were related (you have the same eyes). Nope, he got on a scaffold and found your meeting room 20 stories up.

How the hell did he know where you worked, and how the fuck did he know you were having a meeting, or did he just expect a chance encounter? Whatever it was, it worked. And you can't exactly go to the cops and ask for a restraining order against money, can you? That'd put you in the poor house!

Get it?

But it's that combination of Fuckwad's piercing gaze and that techno music you know he'd play once he tied you up and put on his leather money clip because he's got that kind of fetish. He would get his ink all over you and make you check out his watermark. That sick son-of-a-dollar.

So, yes, he's creepy as shit, but The King's got a backup plan! Video games!

Yes, The King made a trio of video games that BK gave out for a small amount of money a while back. Nothing better* than advertising through gaming.

*worse

No, I never bought them because A) I didn't have an Xbox at the time and B) Seriously, I would never buy a game based off a fast food franchise. Now, cola company? Sure, I played that 7up game and it was AWESOME, but fast food's just too low on the...food...chain? Heeeee!

But...wait, what's that?!

Oh, fuck, no!! It's a poor Photoshop attempt!! FUCK! AHH!!! RUN!!!!!

Or, rather, it's Fuckwad on your tail, King! FUCK! AHH!!! RUN!!!!!

Yeah, imagine getting that for your birthday. Then ask your parents if they can look you in the eye and say they love you. Nightmare-inducing games may be popular, but do you really want one that'll keep you up for days, maybe weeks? Those eyes...melting your brain. I shudder at the thought.

So, the contest is over because I've done my fair share of bitching for the day.

The winner, you say?

No one won here. It was truly a bloodbath of not-so-epic proportions. But who's creepier?

Fuckwad. He is a fuckwad creepier and...a fuckwad of money. What do you want from me? 

Seriously, leave me be, or I will glue googly-eyes to a stack of fives and leave it on your windowsill. You may say "Awesome, free money!" But then you will see those eyes. 

And that's all you will know from then on.

Peace, jerks!

New Year, Same Old Marc Norton

Yeah, so instead of learning to use Photoshop so I could do what I wanted for the continuation of Monday's battle royale, I drank.

A lot.

So Norton Friday it is! 

Also, Happy New Year. Personally, until we get cloud cities and Jetsons/Futurama transport tubes, every year is just the same as the last. I'm sure that joke has been done before, but here I am without a fuck to give. And there's your first f-bomb on here for the new year. Movin' on.

I had never actually seen this one until about 5 minutes ago when I went hunting for Norton classics. I then truly realized that, despite having seen scores of his commercials, there are many more festering on the internet and I'm sure he's still rolling. It would be a damn shame to take the money he's put into these dozens of commercials he's made in 1-2 years and pool it into, I dunno, one really good commercial?

Too much to ask, I know.

First thing you notice? That guy's Wolverine haircut.

Oh, wait. First thing you notice if you're a guy? Hot Mrs. Claus makes a return! You're welcome.

So Hugh Jackman post-ugly stick tussle (HJPUST...or Hij Pust, which sounds as ugly as he looks) proposes to Hottie Hot Hottie and she denies him. Not because he cuts his own hair with safety scissors or starred in Australia, but because Hij Pust has bad credit.

Wait, a semi-legit reason to not marry someone? And in a Norton Furniture commercial?! What the fuck, people?!

But here's the thing: she says no so adamantly that it's a bit ridiculous when she seems to turn around with an idea to fix his problem! Hurrah! 

Norton comes in, blah blah blah, heard this spiel, don't give a shit. Well, not entirely true. Hij Pust does a great job with his spasms that he takes our focus off staring at Marc Norton. But then we get stuck staring at him instead. Could we not just move both of them off the screen, perhaps a few countries away for good measure, just so we can watch Hottie Hot Hottie? Do they not realize sex really sells, but it kind of fails when you counter such sex appeal with all that is boner-killing? 

Yep, imagine hearing Marc Norton's voice next time you're trying to get off. Enjoy THAT.

So Marc Norton saves the day, gets the girl, and rides into the sunset, where he hopefully crisps nicely, and the whole point of calling him in is ruined. Yes, bring in Marc Norton to fix your credit (hint: he doesn't fix your credit so much as give you crappy furniture, so thanks a bunch, misleading advertising), and then flip off your boyfriend for someone just as unappealing. Makes sense to me!

At least you see Norton covering his face in shame. A moment of realization? Probably not, as we'll have more of his shit to watch next Friday, I'm sure.

2009's first ratings. Hurray.

-Hij Pust: I'll give you a few points for playing a badass in most of your films, but I will then take them all away for this. Every. Point. Ever. You used to play Asteroids when you were a kid? I'm taking the points away from there, too. I will hunt all your points down and I will make you wish you were never awarded points.

-Hottie Hot Hottie: I will give you ten points. 3 of them being my area code, the other 7 being the rest of my phone number.

-Wheezy: Way to help me ring in the new year with you. I hope you're happy. I sure ain't. -2009 points for you, sir.

Maybe I'll do that weekend Twitter/Webcomic thing I promised. Maybe I'll still be hungover tomorrow. I promise nothing.

Until then, deal with it.

Who's got two thumbs and lied?

Yeah, so I'm trying to learn more about komp-yoo-tear things which are INTEGRAL to the conclusion, so you get NOTHING. You LOSE! Good DAY, sir!

Well, not entirely true, but you don't get the conclusion to the Fuckwad vs. The King battle...yet.

Oh, and Happy New Year's/Years'/Yearses Eve. Go get drunk or don't.

Let's get right into this long one.

Now this was partly a request, but I've been meaning to find this and give it what for (yes, welcome to the 1920s again). It's just full of all sorts of "fun" and "exciting" thing for a product that we all would "love" to "have." "Right?"

I get "paid" by the quotation mark, "people."

Remember English class when you studied poetry, rhyme schemes, stuff like that? Good. Remember the time other kids had to read theirs aloud, and while some were good and some were obviously just putting words in some order to get a passing grade, there was the one kid who thought rhyming was necessary no matter how corny? Remember that the rhythm was off and the message was terrible and you all laughed at him/her (if it was you...well, sucks to be you then)?

Remember when they got hired to write for a commercial?

This product is made by ASM, as you can see in the corner you're trying to look at because you can't just look away from this train wreck, but you can avert your gaze. Now, I tried to find out what ASM meant and how it was related to the Snuggie. Assistant Stage Manager, a Java bytecode, a wafer processor, even American Society for Microbiology. All seem pretty related to Snuggie, right?

Because I can't find what it means, and because every website I go to with Snuggie actually plays this God-forsaken ad every. Fucking. Time...well, then we get to be crass and call it the Ass-Slapping Mungers. I think I was born this classy, people.

Now back to yelling about the commercial itself.

We've seen worse advertised things on TV before, right? I mean, at least Billy Mays isn't piercing our eardrums with this nonsense.

But, even without the Maysinator, we are left with 2 minutes of trash. Yep. You just watched 2 whole minutes of people who are having the time of their life in that thing.

And what is it? A blanket with sleeves? For $14.Fucking95 cents? WHAT A FUCKING BARGAIN!

Or maybe, just maybe, you could pull out your bathrobe and wear it backwards. You even get a sash with that one. Or, hey! Why not wear your bathrobe forward like a normal person? Nah, too much sense. With all that sense (read: cents [read: pun]) you could buy a Snuggie and bypass all that logic! Hurrah!

Okay, so I'm still not touching on the commercial itself, but this product is so ricockulous that it's hard to not point it out even though the dumbest person reading this knows it. Are you the dumbest person reading this? That's up for me to point out and you to sulk at.

So why don't we go by this a step at a time, shall we? I'll even give you time markers for your convenience! And that's not all! You'll also get rage fueled from a Cavalier loss! Yeah, I'm from Cleveland, and our sports are the number one cause for heart and head trauma. 

But to the thing or whatnot! Again!

0:00 to 0:12- Yeah, we already touched on the rhyming and how it makes you yearn for Leonard Nimoy's "fantastic" poetry. Sorry, Spock, but you're not cut out for ottava rima quite yet. But the points I wanna touch on here? When they said "slip and slide," did you not think of that summer toy from your childhood? So did I and how it knocked the wind out of me every time. And that just pissed me off more.

Oh, also, note how that blonde bimbo (I'm blonde, too, deal with it) hurled that blanket off of her. She could've gotten the phone without that flail, but nope. Gotta sell it. And it didn't sell. Hopefully not, at least.

0:12 to 0:30- Note how happy everyone is to be looking like Idiot of the Year! Goofiest smile gets a bonus*! Actually, notice the John McCain stunt double. He looks pissed to be doing this, but that presidential victory left bills unpaid, so you've gotta make your money somehow.

*At the cost of your dignity.

0:30 to 0:39- Ultra Warm Fleece, which is in no way different than any other fleece! It's just sown into a pathetic form. Congratulations on your "Worst Purchase Ever" achievement. Because oversized sleeves is a good thing, right? 

0:39 to 0:41- Of course it's a good thing! It lets these failures look like either a colorblind Jedi or a KKK member who put their robes in with the colors. Whoa. Pun totally unintended and yet still offensive. Yikes. Note how I'm not getting rid of it because that may have been my "best" joke so far.

0:41 to 0:57- Blah, blah, blah, more activities you can do while looking like a Halloween party reject. But Backgammon? Does anyone actually know how to play that game? I asked Jeeves and even he had no fucking clue. Wait, does Ask Jeeves still exist? Am I behind on the interweb times?

0:57 to 1:01- But fuck you, babies and dogs! No Snuggie for you!

1:01 to 1:08- Okay, the Snuggie by a campfire isn't a bad idea. You know, if you don't realize you're next to a fucking fire which is the epitome of keeping you warm. Here's hoping those things are extra flammable. And then wear them to a soccer game in America! I assume it's soccer and not in any other country because if it were football, basketball (yes, outside, asshole), baseball, hockey, badminton, or especially soccer where they like soccer, your ass would've been stomped when you showed up with your Snuggie, even though your brought tofu burgers for everyone, you yuppie shit. Also note how the girl can't get her arms through. Convenient product. And, of course, wear it in a dorm and see how many friends you make at college. Take your time, I know it's hard to count to zero.

1:08 to 1:14- If this thing was dry clean only, good luck at finding a cleaners that won't laugh you out of their store.

1:14 to 1:20- Haven't we seen all these shots more than we'd like? Yes, "one time" is more than we'd like, but you catch my drift.

1:20 to wait, this thing's still going? Fuck! 1:28- They have competitors? Good fucking butts. Thankfully this embarrassment only costs you the same amount it'd cost to get a decent bathrobe at any store ever, but we went through that and Ass-Slapping Mungers did not get the memo.

1:28 to 1:42- Fuck yes, three colors to hide your shame in! And fuck yes, reading light that has nothing to with a blanket outside the fact you can read while wearing this atrocity! I can also read while having sex, but do I? Are they selling sex with 2 minute long ads now? Can you show me where you found this awesome idea? Actually, to be fair, that light looks pretty sweet with its robotosity going on. I'm sure you could use it to play pretend Star Wars as hinted at before, but fuck that, I want that thing. I'll pay the $14.95. You can keep your ass blanket, I want that light.

1:42 to the end of the ad as we know it, and I feel like shiiiiiiit- $75 value. You're kidding, I hope. First off, "value" is not the word you would associate with this thing. "Fecal," yes. Value, fuck no. You also get to wait 2-6 weeks, which gives you ample time to realize what a mistake you've made. Though, if you can use that 30-day money-back guarantee to just send back the Fuggie (finally picked something) and keep that light, then maybe it'd be worth it. No...no, putting that on a credit card statement is a scar for life. You can't weasel your way out of that one.

And you made it. Lucky you. Pour one out for the many that could not survive that war between your brain and all that is suck.

I'd give individuals ratings, but every single person in that ad, associated with that product, or ever even called the number to do anything but laugh/complain gets 3467 thumbs down. find 1733.5 people and ask them kindly to turn down their thumbs. Do it for the good of mankind.

We'll see what happens Friday, whether it be Norton Friday or the conclusion to our Battle de las Creepas.

I'm pissed and I'm out.