It really IS the pits! HAW!

Yeah, so I'm still withholding my Heineken rant because three, count 'em, three of you have responded. There are plenty more of you who are just as irritable as I am AND that read this, so why the balls aren't you throwing your hat in the ring, too? 

But I digress. Actually, no, I don't. I'm perfectly on the point, here, people, and that point is that you. Are. Slackers. So step it up and gimme a 5-line rant unless you think it's dumb to do so. And if it is, then why are you reading? And if you say "well, I'm not reading," then you are both dumb for reading AND a liar whose pants may be afire as they possibly hang from nothing else but a telephone wire.

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Email it, people, with a response. If you don't want your name posted, then I won't post your name, and I also won't post your post if I don't like your post. 5 posts. Make it 6. 

But to today's ad(s) of choice! It combines two things men love: sports and sweating.

Except there's no sweating, and the sports are all about still pictures with a moving mouth. Sorry if I spoiled the commercials. 

We start off with the sexy.

For those unfamiliar with Chris Paul, he is steals and assists leader. What does "assist" mean here? It means "to pass the ball to another player, enabling them to score a basket." Wait, what does "basket" mean here? It's where you score in basketball. What's "basketball," you ask? I was going to ask if you were from China, but even they love basketball. Learn to watch sports, nerds. 

Anywho, as you can see here, CP3, as he is known throughout the NBA (Nasketball Bational Association, for all you care if I spell right or not), is not very...active, which is the opposite of how he is on the court. Yes, I want you to watch a basketball game before reading these things.

But, since it's not really Chris Paul, or CP3, we shall let CP3 stand for...um...Crappy Picture...3. Because he's still got the three fingers up? Not all of them are perfect, people, but at least I try (AHEM).

Since I've already kept track of my "post" count (7), might as well point out that the word "sexy," which really should be kept away from commercials focusing on the word "pits" (3), was said 9 times. That's right. Nine sexys, five powers, four perfects, and three pits. No partridge in a pear tree because A) I tire of the "p" alliteration, and B) hey, it might be Chinese New Year, but it's not Chinese Christmas. I don't think there IS a Chinese Christmas, but then again, I don't really care to find out. No offense, China, but I'm not you.

So, ladies, may I ask: do you find CP3 sexy? You do? Is it reeeeeally because of his pits? It is? 

Get the fuck out of my bar. We don't appreciate your pit-lovin' kind around here. 

Michael Jordan had a bunch of great ads, LeBron's ads are also very entertaining (albeit everywhere), and then...this. CorpoPhiliac3 did not make the right choice when selling his image.

Oh, but there's a second one, because just one pits commercial wouldn't do it.

Before you ask: no, they can't even keep the same voice actor for another commercial.  Sure, one's about sexiness (what sexiness?) and this one's about intensity (also curious as to where that may be), but if a vocal actor doesn't have the range to be both sexy AND intense (last I checked, I found them to go hand-in-hand, unless you are that boring in bed, and you may be, and I won't judge you unless you are a commercial, and then that's weird that you're reading this)...I lost my train of thought.

Oh, right! If a voice actor can't be both sexy AND intense, then how the fuck are they acting in anything?

Anywho, to the ad itself. First off, Chris Paul is only 6 foot tall, so yeah, it's possible for him to dunk, and he has dunked, it's more likely that he'd go for the layup, or even a no-look pass (GO WATCH), but it's okay, because he's brought his pits! Fuck the ball, he doesn't need that for a dunk (hint: he does), he's got his pits!

And, of course, if I did have a scratch-n-sniff TV (I do, don't worry), I wouldn't really utilize that feature for basketball.

You would? Didn't I just kick your ass outta my bar a few minutes ago? I'll get the guns. I call them Mr. Fist and Sergeant-at-arms! FLEX.

Fucking-A, I don't care about someone's fucking armpits! Yes, I wear deoderant. Why? Because I want you to avoid smelling mine! And sure, you can say he wants you to smell them because he knows they don't reek, thanks to Right Guard. But you forget that the real Chris Paul isn't C-myPits3, so you also forget that CumPump3 (yeah, I can say that) has an armpit fetish and wants you to "get-on-up-in-'der." You unlucky sonofabitch.

And, thankfully, Right Guard tries to add a nice little tag line at the end. And by "nice," I mean they talk about someone's armpits being cuddly. 

Seriously, people. Cats and dogs can be cuddly. Blankets are cuddly. Anything fluffy, fuzzy, soft, snuggly, etc. can be cuddly. Anything that is usually covered in an intense amount of sweat and is usually found in a crease on your body will more-than-likely not be cuddly. Get those thoughts out of your head.

Ratings and Reekings:

-The real Chris Paul: Thanks for playing great basketball. A triple-double for you. Oh, but make it a double-double because I'm taking away all your assists for selling your image to this. Don't know what I mean by anything-double? WATCH SOME DAMN SPORTS!

-CunnilingusPor3 (a menage-a-suck, if you will): I give you 1 pit point. You may redeem it by getting a better fetish. Granted, I don't want to know about it, so use it discretely. If I see an ad about your arousal toward humping light bulb fixtures, our friendship is over. Of course, it never began, but still.

-Right Guard: You are the wrong guard. See what I did there? See how you also don't get any points? Yep.

Catch you Friday. And I better catch you responding to the DIY post.

Slackers!

So you guys are terrible at actually reading what I asked you to do.

So, for that, I shan't write today's entry!

Well, rather, I'm recovering from a drink-laden weekend, but I really do want you people to respond to the DIY post. If you feel shy and that it's embarassing to do what I do (thanks a lot, jerks), then post it as Anonymous. 

I also won't say who it was if you email me and I see your real name and would rather not have your name attached, but 2 posts is not enough posts. So hop to it!

imadnauseam@gmail.com or just comment on the DIY post and be me. Or be you. Just be mad. Or if you like it, be happy, yet misguided.

DIY!

As much as I love bitching at/toward/near you people about bad advertising, I figured I'd try something different, a once-a-month deal. I'm going to let YOU give me a 5-sentence description in my comments OR email me at imadnauseam@gmail.com and I will post my favorite 3 on Monday along with my regular post.

No, this isn't me being lazy. Trust me, I have enough to say about this ad, and I may just make it my Monday massacre, but for now, I want to get your thoughts.

Also, if you don't comment? Yeah, I'm-a hate you. And this will end up being a boring idea when it's rather awesome. Why? Because I made it and you love it.

Anywho, let's see what you got.

So if you read this, gimme your own 5-sentence rant in the comments, email me, IM me, whatever you kids do nowadays, and I will choose my favorite 3 for Monday. Don't work too blue, and keep it clever.

Or just be mad. It's how I do my thing.

DO IT!

Whatsurance?

Hello, you fantastic people. How are you today? Isn't it lovely out? Sure, it may be cold, but is the snow not glorious? Even though the birds are away, can't you hear them chirping anyway?

You know why I'm happy and you should be, too. If you're not, then poop on you, spoilsport. Let us have our fun.

But, business is business, and I'm not paid to talk nice about things. I'm also not paid. Therein lies the question: why do I do this? 

Answer is simple: I'm pretty awesome. Do you disagree? Go ahead and write an Anti-Ian blog. Just make sure to link here and say how stupid this place is so people can come and read and give me more hits and get hooked make me feel bad about myself.

So what's on the board for today's "discussion?" Esurance. Now, I know you probably have an idea on what services Esurance offers. Let me show you these ads and see if you don't change your mind. 

One!

Alright, class, from evidence here, what would you say Esurance does?

Did someone say they offer auto insurance quotes, and a quick-and-easy way to find them? Oh, I'm sorry. I want an answer from the overwhelming evidence in the commercial, and I fail to see one car in this ad.

What, you say? There are robots? Yes, but do cars play basketball? No. Did they in the movie Cars? I don't know. Didn't see it. It was a movie about living cars. Not exactly fantastic viewing, and one of Pixar's worst ideas. Fish? Yes. Toys? Awesome. Cars? Fuck you.

The correct answer on Esurance's offers could've been any of the following: basketball camp with robotic trainers, a referee abuse support group, an attempt to make the WNBA look good, a class on awful puns, a trailer for a Charlie's Angels sequel, or a razor specifically made to shave your facial hair and form a pornostache. Any of these would've been acceptable. 

But you either listened to what they said or checked their website. Unfortunately, a lot of people are visual learners, and while the services they appear to offer are mostly awesome (sorry, can't grow my own pornostache), they obviously have nothing to do with cars or insurance.

But, hey, maybe the next one will help!

A-two?

Alright, class, let's see if you learned anything from the last question. 

NO. It's NOT about auto insurance. Yes, I heard the guy reading about such protection from the dictionary. He even called it a "dictionary of auto insurance terms." What regular dictionary is that big, much less one narrowed down to only that vocabulary? No, it's obviously just a cover for the commercial's true intentions.

What should've been your immediate reaction: a new film starring a hot cartoon chick and a stuck up, real life guy. Who Framed Jessica Rabbit?, perhaps? Also, more pun lessons.

Like I said: visual. I want to see cars. Safe Auto usually has them, Geico...well, we already ripped them apart, didn't we? 

No, no, no, don't read back. You may see something along the lines of me saying I like other Geico ads, i.e. with the cavemen or Geico gecko. You'd just be hallucinating, trust me. Just take my word today, shall we? We shall.

We shalln't? Aw...

Still, we're trying to learn what these commercials provide via the evidence from them, and talk is cheap. More cars.

A-three! KRNSCH. A-three.

Last chance, pupils. This question only has one possible answer. What is Esurance--wait, scratch that. What did Unsurance (this is where you sit in awe at my cleveritude) showcase this round?

NO. NOT AUTO INSURANCE COVERAGE. Close, though.

They DO offer insurance, but only to flying machines powered by hippie music and with the ability to grow grass on oil drills.

Yes, people, in reality, Unsurance is an eco-friendly insurance provider. I don't know what being eco-friendly has to do with the insurance so much as the cars themselves, but hey, who's arguing?

I am. Me. This guy. I am doing the arguing.

To be fair, I don't hate these ads. I do find them visually captivating. I just find them actually uninformative. I don't care if some dusty ol' faux British guy recites the definition, I want to see car damage in action. Don't want anyone hurt (except for Herschman), but I want some indication on what the commercials are for. What if I was deaf, and these commercials didn't provide closed captioning? And then what if I didn't have the internet so I couldn't look it up online?

Wait. Can the deaf drive? And, if they can, can the internetless drive? I'd think you couldn't do anything until you learned to have the internet. It's a crime to be without auto insurance (yeah, these commercials are illegal, so keep it on the down low...low down? Which one?), and it's a crime to be sans-interwubs.

If you want quick and easy ratings, just go to http://www.unsurance.com and click on the "This Site Doesn't Exist" button.

Dumbability: Is it the ability to be dumb? We'll find out!

Remember when I said I'd update on the weekend? Good. Then remember when I lied about it because this is going up Monday? You do now.

Yeah, so I skipped the "real" update, but from what I gather, you liked Friday's quickie, so I slacked off a bit and got my anger all pent up for today.

And what better to dive into but a Bud Light commercial, but before we do, think about the Budweiser commercials you've seen. The Budweiser frogs, the Budweiser Clydesdales (horses, smartie), Whazzaup, Real Men of Genius, etc. All good ads, right? Memorable, funny, and usually they show up during the Superbowl, which is kinda neat. 

Speaking of which, prepare for me to rip apart bad Superbowl ads. Those are just uncalled for.

But then...

...there's Bud Light. Light on calories, light on entertainment.

Let's be fair; the map thing is pretty cool and could've been used for shloads of funny. Instead, it was used for anything but.

Let's look at the "facts" of this commercial, shall we?

41% of the people polled (hint: I don't think they polled anyone, much less the people on the set) thought "drinkability" meant "the ability to drink." Got that?

26% thought it meant "easy to swallow." Candle wax seems like it'd be easy to swallow. Is it drinkable? We'll get to that in a second.

One guy in Boston. That's a percent now, right? Every single opinion should be listed on this poll, correct? Fuckin' A, people. Yeah, they tried to be funny with that one, but they didn't really succeed. At all.

So, from those "facts," we get the answers from 67andoneguy%. The other 22andnineguys% either had no opinion, or, like me, had a very strong statement against dumb shit like this. I was a oneguy%.

So, Anheuser-Busch, what does it mean? "Just the right taste."

Hold up, lemme just check the Merriam-Webster site...

Yeah, you're right, Bud Light. You are spot fuckin' on.

Or, let's just copy and paste the actual entry right here:

Main Entry:

¹drink·able 

Pronunciation:

\ˈdriŋ-kə-bəl\

Function:

adjective

Date:

1611

: suitable or safe for drinking

— drink·abil·i·ty \ˌdriŋ-kə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun

So, what we've learned here is that Bud Light's been defining things wrong since 2008, while actual dictionaries are awesome. Also, no, candle wax may be able to be swallowed, but, according to M-W, it isn't exactly "drinkable" or doesn't have "drinkability." I did thing it had just the right taste, though. I would also recommend Bleach the ad geniuses at Bud Light, as I believe they'd find it has just the right taste.

At least Captain Caughtoffguard (who never asked what drinkability meant, Sergeant Fuckstick, but thanks for giving him the wrong answer so he'll fail his vocab exam tomorrow) is right on the map. It is a nice map. But why does someone who doesn't deserve nice things have it?

Feel free to note Lieutenant Disinterested on the couch to your right, as he's just there to get drunk and is sick of all these English lessons.

And thanks, Lt. FS, as being the worst wingman ever. Last I checked, friends don't let other friends cockblock when hot women are involved. Beer goggle worthy women, sure, but not hot ones, and I'm not drunk right now, so I can tell you, without a doubt, that the side of that lady is smokin'.

Oh, be quiet, girls, you feel the same way about us guys and waking up next to one after a night of partying. Everyone gets a walk of shame.

Also, how do I know that Lt. Fuckstick ruined everything with his dumbass "bunny ears" move? Because that girl is anti-furry. She knows the ins-and-outs of the interweb, and she is not down with Peter Cottontail. Doesn't rhyme, but works.

But wait! Here's more!

We get yet another wrong definition! Yaaaay! Well, wrong unless the definition changed since last I checked the site.

Nope, still the same. 

Yeah, still the same now, too.

"Drinkability" does NOT mean being a light drink. That's why you're "Bud Light" and not "Budrinkable." Though that's an awesome name. Feel free to use that, Anheuser-Busch, but I expect royalties. And only if you read up on what words mean once in a while.

But that's not even my biggest problem this time. Maybe the fact that this guy says baba ghanoush is her personal favorite festival food and then goes on to say, not 3 fucking seconds later, that he has no idea what it is and, in fact, likes it because it sounds cool. I hope he's allergic to eggplant.

Baba ghanoush is made of eggplant. There's the punchline. 

Okay, so the last little bit made me chuckle the first time I saw, and I hate to admit it, BUT! Ever since then, I've loathed that guy in his Panama hat. I think that's a Panama hat. I don't wear anything but a Kangol hat, so sue me for being stylish and pretending I'm Samuel L. Jackson.

This is all just disappointing because, like I said, Budweiser makes awesome ads for TV, radio, and print, but Anheuser-Busch really skimps on ads for its other beverages. Oh, it also really skimps on making beer that tastes good. Sorry, Budweiser, but you may be cheap, but you also suck pretty bad. I'll stick with Keystone for my cheap beer. Probably because it goes down smooth. That means it has drinkability, people.

No, it doesn't. That was a test. You failed!

Ratings are not necessary, as I don't think Bud Light knows what "rating*" means. 

*Main Entry: rating

Function:

noun

Date:

2009

1. The just-right sound that occurs when you twist off the cap of a cool, refreshing Bud Light.

2. The satisfaction stemming from crushing a can of Bud Light after finishing it off before your manly friends, thus propelling yourself to the spot of Alpha Male.

One with a deep message

So, I looked deep and hard (gutter-minded, enjoy) for a good/bad commercial for today, and I found a good one. 

Let's dive right in.

So what did we learn from all of this?

Well, besides Charles Barkley was pretty funny pre-DUI (look up the story, but, in a nutshell, it's because he was speeding to get to this girl that he found had certain talents stemming from her pie hole, though feel free to replace "pie" with another "p" word, and there you've got it), he really wants 'dem socks.

Well, I can relate.

GIMME 'DAT PUPPET!

Real update on the weekend.

Legend of Zelda: Commercials to the Past

Yes, you completely read that right. I am reviewing near 4 minutes of Legend of Zelda commercials, and you have to watch and read.

Oh, what's that? You're trying to go to a different site? Sorry, can't let you do that. Attempting to close your browser? Nope, not permitted. Ctrl-alt-delete will not save you now.

Of course, you could do any of those, but then you're just a dick. Don't be a dick. Be a dude.

I'm doing this not because they're good or bad, but because 3/4 of them (yes, four Zelda commercials) are Japanese, which makes them both extremes at the same time.

Whenever I marry, I expect my wife to dress as Zelda at least once. She will get diamonds afterwards, I promise, but everyone has their fantasies and wishes. Mine just happens to be way too nerdy to admit to the public. Well, guess what? Admitted. Public'd. This is how I do.

Is it wrong of me to show you these instead of relevant ads? No. Is it right of me, then? No. It is left of me. Left-handed, that is. Because Link is left-handed. He's a southpaw.

Shut up. Let's just do this.

FIRST we have Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening.

Did you see those eyes?! He can make the X-dead eyes! 

Get me that puppet. Screw the rest of the ad. Did you understand the story? No? I don't care. Get me that damn puppet.

Did you get it for me yet? No?! What the hell, guys?! Watch the commercial again. Do you see the Link puppet? Did you see him spin-slash? Did you see the X-eyes?! GET ME THAT PUPPET!

Moving on!

SECOND we see Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventure, which was a game meant for 4 people to play and enjoy, using teamwork, different weapons, and apparent color coordination to succeed. Or you could play it by yourself if you're a jerk.

Oh, and if you didn't notice in the commercial, any time you open a treasure chest, feel free to murder your companions and hoard it for yourself. That's how we all feel, I understand. One minute, stab each other. The next? Slay a monster as a team. Immediately following, please stab each other again. It's a fun cycle.

"Yatta" means "I did it!," I believe, but I learned that from Heroes, so don't take my word for it since I took my word for a series that needs to get back to being good. You read me, Tim Kring. Fix.

So, yeah, the little song the Links sing is cute, the puppetry (GET ME THAT FUCKING PUPPET) was neat, and then there was more Japanese, but it's okay, because cute songs, puppets, and stabbing each other is the Japanese craze, right? Japacraze? Awesome.

You also get the subject of our THIRD commercial with Four Swords, which is arguably the best Zelda game ever, Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. No, this isn't going to be a gaming blog, I just want to indulge myself in something fantastic once in a while, thanks for asking.

But this commercial...this takes the cake. I mean, what's better than starting off with Link and a bunch of the lesser-known Zelda characters leading us with a dance video, albeit difficult dancing (I don't dance, and I now blame the Japanese for it), while Zelda herself sultries it up in a cage? Not much, unless that dancing leads into fighting.

Of course it does.

Oh. Oh, no. Wait. Does Zelda have a manvoice? Is this like classic Shakespeare where the men play all parts? Oh, no. Oh, man. That hurts, Japan. That really hurts. You have ruined a lot in a little amount of time.

But it works out, right? Link does pull out the Master Sword and fends off his former dance buddies. Also, get me that sword. Wait, I already have it? Good. Nerdwish complete.

But then Ganon shows up. For those not in-the-know, Ganon(dorf) is the Big Bad of the Zelda series more often than not. You can also get me that massive Ganon puppet and I promise* I won't force ridiculously terrible ads on you anymore.

*Crossing my fingers AND toes.

Though, the scene following his entrance intrigues me. I mean, you usually get a sword or special arrows or a magic shield or anything you can wield that's made of gold/silver/mirrorness that beats Ganon, right? When did they use the power of dance to defeat him? Did I miss that game? Do they have a Zelda DDR? If they do, I will begin weeping...now. Oh, not for joy, but for pure terror and despair.

And this allows us to leave the Land of the Rising Sun for the FOURTH commercial, straight from England.

Whoa. Deep voice. Did they hire Don LaFontaine (look it up) for this commercial? If they did, good call. If he's dead, bad call.

He's dead. Sucks for us.

Okay, let me try to set this up. We have Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, which uses a cartoon-graphics style (cel-shading, hipsters) instead of the more realistic approach from the two previous games (Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask). Lots of people threw a world-class hissy fit about this, but the game is a shload of fun, and those people soon shut up and were sent to their corners to wear the dunce hat. Fuckwits.

Now, imagine a very cartoony-looking game, which has many elements of humor strewn about, being portrayed as a drama. Wait. Stop imagining and watch.

Well, we do have a Dinghy jumping a barrel, running along the beach, attacking grass, moving a block, and aerial assaulting some wood. Spell it out, people, because that's what's being delivered here.

Also crawling, rupees, ridiculously sounding birds, wide-eyed lava reactions, and blocking?! YES! SO INTENSE!

Well, Gohma, that big skeleton bug looking sucker, does seem to be making me shit my pants. Figuratively, of course. 

Wait, "figuratively" means I actually did it, right? Oh...well, whichever word means it actually happened. Use that one.

Ratings!

-Four Links: Though you are supremely awesome, I will only award you 1 point. See who earns it.

-So you think you can Danceaneses: 50 points for your dance moves and special effects for a Super Nintendo commercial. -10 points from Gryffindor that you can earn back when you make Zelda a girl. Seriously, what the fuck, Japan? Geez!

-Dramatic Voiceover Guy: Movie previews not paying you enough? Figured you'd branch out into a much deeper art form, I take it. 100 posthumous points if you are Don LaFontaine. -100 if you're lying, you liar.

-GET ME THAT MOTHERFUCKING PUPPET.

That is all.