A deadly case of the suck

Remember the previous entry. Going to bore that into your brain. Remember, Remember, the 4th of March. Not as catchy, but a bit more relevant.

It's Friday! Hoo and Ray! And you're reading this. Do you feel good about yourself? You should! You're finding out what specific commercial annoys me at this moment.

Finally learned how to save Flash videos to my hard drive AND made a Youtube account, so I can start saving the commercials I've reviewed/reamed to it in case they get taken down. Should probably check on that, but first, the reason you're all here.

You are all here to read some of my glorious poetry, I assume. Otherwise, take a hike.

Aw, shit. Must've misplaced my journal of dreams and lyricism. Looks like I have to critique another commercial.

First off, let me put a blanket statement out there: I have no clue what's going on. Yeah, I eventually got what the deal was, but, for some reason, I just couldn't get a grasp on what was happening the first 20 times I watched this.

Oh, yeah, the reason is shitty acting. 

Well, there are a few more, but that just stands out to me. The camera work also sucks, and the set itself...well, I don't go camping too much, but how often do you bring a dartboard with you? And if you do, does that not remind you of a bar? It does to me, and I see no beer. None. Four guys camping without beer. Let your minds create a scenario where this is sensible. Take your time.

Okay, back to the dartboard. They completely missed an opportunity at humor, albeit cheap, at the beginning. You have Sergeant Sick coughing while Mr. What's The inFlection throws a dart. Could it not have been comically distracting enough to have him miss the shot wildly, and perhaps hit one of the other slobs hanging out. Like I said, it would be cheap, but when you have a crappy ad, you take what you can get.

And still focusing on that moment: you guys want burgers or bacon or whatever the guy is making for food, right? Well, who do you have grilling: some guy reading a camper's guide/medicine book/Hustler, the dart-playing Mr. WTF, or some guy who is messing with sticks. All perfectly viable choices; they aren't doing anything important. Nope! Let's make the sick guy do it! Makes sense. Nothing he has can be contagious, right? It's got to be something caused by an animal in the wild.

Whoops.

So Dr. Icanread suggests a snakebite, and Coughy McGee does exclaim he's achey. Well, let's see.....did he have a bite mark? Don't you think that's something he would've noticed around the time he would've gotten it? 

Okay, well, what about Hoof-and-Mouth disease? You know, the one thing that sounds a bit made-up, but it isn't? Oh, but did I mention that it rarely happens to humans and that the guy would probably be dead? Not a guarantee, but you never know.

Nope, he has the Morning Drive.

Wait, what disease is that?

It's not a disease. It's the fact that he HAS to drive the guys home in the morning. It is his JOB. Would've been nice if Mr. WTF didn't say that line like he was suggesting what ailment Coughy McGee had. It really took me a while to figure out what was going on. Does that make me dumb and this commercial clever? No. Does it make it confusing and force the actors to take some speech classes? Sure.

But then they all get to the Nyquil part, and all three non-sick guys sound like assholes who knew what he had the entire time. Note the way Sergeant Stick has a nonchalant look on his face while he sarcastically states "the common cold." So was this all just a major dick move by the three jerks to annoy Coughy? If it was, it confused me. It confused Mikael, too, at least, so take it up with him! He's the responsible one!

It's all good, though, with the sugary way that Mr. WTF hands the Nyquil to Coughy. There are undertones there that I'm sure they didn't intend, but hey, we have them enrolled for the next semester to fix their sheisty work here.

Blah, blah, more shit happens, and then he drives them home. Remember that ooVoo commercial we talked about waaaaaaaaaaay back when? And then remember how the words didn't fit with the way that dad's mouth moved? Same thing goes for Ex-Coughy's "Woohoo!" here. Try it out.

Did it work? If it did, you're a liar or a ventriloquist. If it didn't, then you're a normie.

And, throughout all this, we had three perfectly healthy people WHO COULD'VE DRIVEN HOME INSTEAD. The caps were necessary because they are fuckpoops.

Usually I try to find something good about all these awful ads, but man, this one only encouraged me to go camp more often in hopes of taking the essentials: meat and beer. No darts. No jackasses. Just meat and beer.

Now, for the great outdoor ratings:

-Coughy: Thanks for tainting my food with your sickness, and thanks for rubbing it in my face that you can say anything you want with your mouth wide open. It's a neat, almost reverse-ventriloquist talent that I envy, and envy does NOT warrant you more points. -7 for you.

-Mr. WTF: All those points you just scored in darts? Take them away, reverse them, and that's all you deserve. Let's assume you hit bulls-eye. -50 points for you, bad sir.

-Dr. Icanread: I hear you can read. That's neat. Can you not be a dick? -14 points because you look like a douche, too.

-Sarge: I've never seen someone above the age of 5 enjoy playing with sticks more than you. Sure, it's neat to pick up a massive branch off the ground every once in a while and use it as a walking stick or swing it around, but hey, you're about 30 and playing with two little sticks and not air-drumming. You are wrong. -11 points.

Remember: tomorrow is back to the Wonps. Don't recall what "wonps" is? Tune in tomorrow to find out, then! Or...read back a bit...but tune in instead.