It's coming...

Yeah, yeah, "that's what she said" and all that fun. But, really, the update is on its way. Back in the mindset, less sick, and ready to get back in the game...again.

Wonps Weekend: the Dos

Remember Wonps? Did you just start reading recently and have no idea what an archive is? Google it. Google everything! Google elgoog. 

Anyway, it is short for something long, where "Wonps" actually should be "wnps" which SHOULD mean "with no particular structure," even though, looking back, this does have a bit of a structure, but hey! Who cares? Not me! Wonps fits anyway.

If you don't know what it is, this is your last reminder! It has to do with things I review in a positive light, and has more to do with personal tastes and things I enjoy with little reason on why I'm posting it outside...well, I can.

So, starting with last week's and entering the new category, here we go.

1. Beer of the Week: Guinness

-This encompasses any different Guinness you would have. This dry stout is quite thick for a popular, mainstream beer, but that just makes it that much more grand. A few things I just found out while researching for this: Guinness has been linked to being good for your heart, which is awesome, and Guinness is partially made with isinglass, which is from fish. So, for those men out there that love meat and beer, guess what? Two for one special, baby. Also, any brewing company that is related to both a book of records (you know what it is, don't give me that look) and an attempt at making St. Patrick's Day a true national holiday (no class/work/anything so you can get wasted in the middle of a parade is always a good idea) make Guinness this week's BotW.

NEW 2. Pagebound of the Week: The Mosnter at the End of This Book: Starring Lovable, Furry Old Grover

-This is also my brother's favorite kids' book, but man, it is a good read even today. It is apparently post-modern, but as a kid, I didn't give a flying eff. It is neat because it is You vs. Grover. He finds out there's a monster at the end of the book and doesn't want you to get there to unleash it. Unfortunately for him, I like to turn pages. He does his best to tie the pages together, wall them up with bricks, anything, but my hands were TOO STRONG. There's a twist, but I won't spoil it unless you want me to.

Spoiler! Highlight: IT'S GROVER! YAAAAAY!

It was enjoyable to find this amongst my books recently, and I still enjoy it now as much as I did then. If you were ever a kid (some of you, I doubt), see if you have it anywhere you ever lived, or pick it up from the interweb or get lucky at a used bookstore.

That is all. Get out mah house!

A deadly case of the suck

Remember the previous entry. Going to bore that into your brain. Remember, Remember, the 4th of March. Not as catchy, but a bit more relevant.

It's Friday! Hoo and Ray! And you're reading this. Do you feel good about yourself? You should! You're finding out what specific commercial annoys me at this moment.

Finally learned how to save Flash videos to my hard drive AND made a Youtube account, so I can start saving the commercials I've reviewed/reamed to it in case they get taken down. Should probably check on that, but first, the reason you're all here.

You are all here to read some of my glorious poetry, I assume. Otherwise, take a hike.

Aw, shit. Must've misplaced my journal of dreams and lyricism. Looks like I have to critique another commercial.

First off, let me put a blanket statement out there: I have no clue what's going on. Yeah, I eventually got what the deal was, but, for some reason, I just couldn't get a grasp on what was happening the first 20 times I watched this.

Oh, yeah, the reason is shitty acting. 

Well, there are a few more, but that just stands out to me. The camera work also sucks, and the set itself...well, I don't go camping too much, but how often do you bring a dartboard with you? And if you do, does that not remind you of a bar? It does to me, and I see no beer. None. Four guys camping without beer. Let your minds create a scenario where this is sensible. Take your time.

Okay, back to the dartboard. They completely missed an opportunity at humor, albeit cheap, at the beginning. You have Sergeant Sick coughing while Mr. What's The inFlection throws a dart. Could it not have been comically distracting enough to have him miss the shot wildly, and perhaps hit one of the other slobs hanging out. Like I said, it would be cheap, but when you have a crappy ad, you take what you can get.

And still focusing on that moment: you guys want burgers or bacon or whatever the guy is making for food, right? Well, who do you have grilling: some guy reading a camper's guide/medicine book/Hustler, the dart-playing Mr. WTF, or some guy who is messing with sticks. All perfectly viable choices; they aren't doing anything important. Nope! Let's make the sick guy do it! Makes sense. Nothing he has can be contagious, right? It's got to be something caused by an animal in the wild.

Whoops.

So Dr. Icanread suggests a snakebite, and Coughy McGee does exclaim he's achey. Well, let's see.....did he have a bite mark? Don't you think that's something he would've noticed around the time he would've gotten it? 

Okay, well, what about Hoof-and-Mouth disease? You know, the one thing that sounds a bit made-up, but it isn't? Oh, but did I mention that it rarely happens to humans and that the guy would probably be dead? Not a guarantee, but you never know.

Nope, he has the Morning Drive.

Wait, what disease is that?

It's not a disease. It's the fact that he HAS to drive the guys home in the morning. It is his JOB. Would've been nice if Mr. WTF didn't say that line like he was suggesting what ailment Coughy McGee had. It really took me a while to figure out what was going on. Does that make me dumb and this commercial clever? No. Does it make it confusing and force the actors to take some speech classes? Sure.

But then they all get to the Nyquil part, and all three non-sick guys sound like assholes who knew what he had the entire time. Note the way Sergeant Stick has a nonchalant look on his face while he sarcastically states "the common cold." So was this all just a major dick move by the three jerks to annoy Coughy? If it was, it confused me. It confused Mikael, too, at least, so take it up with him! He's the responsible one!

It's all good, though, with the sugary way that Mr. WTF hands the Nyquil to Coughy. There are undertones there that I'm sure they didn't intend, but hey, we have them enrolled for the next semester to fix their sheisty work here.

Blah, blah, more shit happens, and then he drives them home. Remember that ooVoo commercial we talked about waaaaaaaaaaay back when? And then remember how the words didn't fit with the way that dad's mouth moved? Same thing goes for Ex-Coughy's "Woohoo!" here. Try it out.

Did it work? If it did, you're a liar or a ventriloquist. If it didn't, then you're a normie.

And, throughout all this, we had three perfectly healthy people WHO COULD'VE DRIVEN HOME INSTEAD. The caps were necessary because they are fuckpoops.

Usually I try to find something good about all these awful ads, but man, this one only encouraged me to go camp more often in hopes of taking the essentials: meat and beer. No darts. No jackasses. Just meat and beer.

Now, for the great outdoor ratings:

-Coughy: Thanks for tainting my food with your sickness, and thanks for rubbing it in my face that you can say anything you want with your mouth wide open. It's a neat, almost reverse-ventriloquist talent that I envy, and envy does NOT warrant you more points. -7 for you.

-Mr. WTF: All those points you just scored in darts? Take them away, reverse them, and that's all you deserve. Let's assume you hit bulls-eye. -50 points for you, bad sir.

-Dr. Icanread: I hear you can read. That's neat. Can you not be a dick? -14 points because you look like a douche, too.

-Sarge: I've never seen someone above the age of 5 enjoy playing with sticks more than you. Sure, it's neat to pick up a massive branch off the ground every once in a while and use it as a walking stick or swing it around, but hey, you're about 30 and playing with two little sticks and not air-drumming. You are wrong. -11 points.

Remember: tomorrow is back to the Wonps. Don't recall what "wonps" is? Tune in tomorrow to find out, then! Or...read back a bit...but tune in instead.

Makin' the bad rapz

Remember when I tried to get you guys to give me a 5-line rant/critique on that Heineken commercial a while back, and about three of your did it?

Well, we're doing it again, except you're actually going to participate! Anyone that doesn't won't get credit for this class and will be forced to repeat the 5th grade.

Yeah, I know most of you are high schoolers and up, but I'm sending you back that far anyway. That is, if you don't participate. So...do.

This is mostly on account that I'm feeling too good to rip apart anything. It's a feeling of accomplishment, and you know who else can have that feeling? YOU! Yeah, if you actually write about this thing, you can feel good about yourself, too!

What do you get? The top three (yeah, we need more than three to truly have a "top three") will have theirs posted along with mine this upcoming Monday. It's not money, but it's at least...funny? Maybe, if you do it, I'll try to rhyme less*.

*Not a guarantee.

Requirements: be funny, don't rely solely on cussing (that's MY gig, you have more character than that), and keep it to 5-lines. No more. No less. We're being super precise here. It's a short commercial, and it gives you a lot to work with, but "concise" is the key word.

Oh, you probably need the commercial.

I'm tempted to tear it apart now, but I'll wait for this great mood to scatter.

How do you respond? You see that comments section down there? DON'T USE IT! It completely takes out the point of me posting my favorites on Monday if everyone can read them, so...don't!

Instead, help clear the dust off the email I use specifically for here:

IMADNAUSEAM@GMAIL.COM

All caps are necessary on the webterin.

I'll see you Friday, where I get back in the groooove, like Stella, or David Spade.

Click Here For Creepy Celeb Pictures

So, here's something new. I did mention I would eventually work with internet ads, magazine ads, billboards, and radio ads if I could find them. Well, we ARE on the internet, and since I am terrible at saving animated .gifs (that stupid little silhouette of someone getting their freak on about...insurance...I will have you), I haven't been able to find a suitably awful internet ad. Granted, I must be pretty lazy to not find one, but I didn't go all out to search since there was an abundance of already-terrible TV ads.

But here we are. And here you go.

At first glance, this is a banner for facial reconstruction surgery. How else would these celebs get such perfect bone structure?

No. It's about white teeth. Ohhh, wait, yeah, I see it. It's pretty hard to miss the multiple unnecessary lens flares.

We can look first at the picture of Brad Pitt. Or is that Lance Bass? Or Barack Obama?

See, I can't tell because someone must've punched him in the face and given him a fat lip. And a fat chin. And a fat jaw. And fat cheeks. And fat teeth. And then they must've unpunched him in the rest of his face, which is why he has small eyes. And nose. And ears. And hair. Unpunched hair. It works for me, at least.

The problem here isn't the idea of the lens flare. It's the idea that "more is better." Here's a hint, "1 Trick for Whiter Teeth," if that is your real name: when you're advertising a better something (in this case: teeth, of course), I would suggest you, I dunno, let us see them? You went through the trouble of distorting his face to enlarge the teethal region, but then you found out how to make lens flares.

Now, I'm not very good at photoshop, as evident from my whining about it, but I do surf the interocean plenty, and from what I've learned from sites on webcomics, articles, sports blogs, blah blah blah, is that the "lens flare" is cool, but, man, is it ever overused.

Well, "1 Trick for Whiter Teeth" was a "1 Trick Pony for Photoshop" here. It just got corny in here, people.

We can see half the teeth. Are they that white? No. Would we want them that white? Sure, why the hell not? Let's have teeth soooooo white that they blind you. Actually, that's not the worst idea, is it? I mean, let's look at this scenario: you're a generally surly person, someone who doesn't like to smile much. Two reasons: you hate everyone and you have yellow teeth. Well, if you use this one trick (didn't look up what it is, because I like my face to be at normal proportions), you can GET those whiter teeth, and maybe this'll encourage your surly-self to smile more. Still a grumpy Gus? Smile anyway and blind those people you hate. Win-win, champ.

Oh, and my favorite part? Look a little bit above that behemoth of a chin. You see that white line going across? Do you see where the fuck that could be coming from? I see no source for that flare line at all. Perhaps he was dodging a bullet at the time this picture was taken, all with a terrific smile that no one can see because we are now legally blind because of said smile. S'ok, though, because at least we can show off our sunglasses  year round. Yeah, I'm awful, but I'm not these "1 trick" people.

At least the second picture doesn't overdo the lens flare. 

Okay, that's a lie, but we CAN see the teeth.

But first, you notice that the same sort of distortions were made to this picture as the one above it. The difference? I have NO idea who this person could be. What I DO know is that she looks like she can crush my skull in one bite. Them's some power jaws. 

This picture just generally creeps me out more than the former. The tooth all the way to the right is blurred. Did that tooth not sign the forms to allow its image to be displayed on TV? Perhaps it is in the Witness Protection Program? 

And then you have the two white dots near her chin. Don't be childish, I don't mean they're what you think they are. Please, give me SOME credit. 

It's not toothpaste splatter, you immature person, you. I'm sure she has the manners to clean that up.

No, it just looks like....wait.

Waaaaaait a second. 

You think it means...oh! Gross! Well, you just march yourself into the bathroom and wash your brain out with some Irish Spring.

It does look like someone spit on the camera, though, and that whoever photoshopped this needed to enhance that, too. I mean, why not? More attention to take away from the teeth that seem to actually be white, though we can't focus on that anyway because of what appears to be white straw emerging from her mouth.

Now time for ratings...FrOm ThE iNtErNeT! WhoooooooOOOOOOOOO!

Anyway, here:

-Guy: If you're Brad Pitt: 12 points for being a good actor, -23 points for allowing you image to be distorted in such a way, and -48 for probably not allowing it but also not stopping it. 6 flare points, though, for ruining my vision.

-Girl: Sorry I didn't know who you were, but I'm afraid that, if I knew your name, then that would somehow allow you to find me and wreck me with your humongous jaw. You can have all the points in the world if you just promise to keep those chompers away from me.

-"1 Trick": So, I did want whiter teeth, but now I'm scared on what teeth whitening will do to the rest of my face, so thanks for that irrational fear. 7 Therapy Points.

Hope my branching out worked a bit. Get used to it because I've now got a stockpile of internet banner ads, all cringe-worthy.

Weekend Antiangst: The Inauguration

No, this isn't going to be about actual inaugurations. How fun would that be to read every Saturday? Ian's list of (least) favorite presidential inaugurations. But they could even be presidents for other countries or even businesses!

But, no, things I'm not doing: that. Sorry, history nerds.

No, I've finally come up with something to do for these weekends which doesn't require searching for videos that I know piss me off and then writing about them, which requires me to review them even further and even delve into actual research, depending on the product, where all of that just riles me up in the worst of ways. Nonsexually. I said the worst of ways. I feel bad if I have family members reading this, but they now know what they've been in for.

Also, yes, maybe I should've put a hyphen between "anti" and "angst" up there, but I like the word in makes. An-shung-stuh. 

An-shung-stuh. Important ending sound.

Anywho, what I'm going to be trying, as I realized reviewing Twitter profiles and the relative tweets is kind of...difficult...to make an entire post (sober) about, and since I did that, what, once? Well, I'm moving onto something with a little more fluff to counter all the bitchosity I bring during the week.

Saturday is now the day of "Ian's List of Stuff That Appeals to His Taste With No Particular Structure," or the ILoSTAtHTWNPS, as the kids call it. And even THAT, as I just made up the sentence with no expectancy, has a nice sound. "I lost at hot wonps." Wonps. That is the new title for this feature. 

See, people, I work on the fly.

The way this rolls: I pick one category a week (song, TV show, play, food, container, precipitation, whatever) and give a little insight on why I mentioned it. This will cumulative until 10, which is the cap for the list.

What does that mean? It means I will start off with 1 category and move to 2 next week, with the 1st category staying on until I run out of things to list in that particular section. 3rd week holds the 2 former categories with new subjects PLUS a new third one. If you don't understand, show up in 3 weeks and you'll go "OHHHHH! That makes sense." 

ON TO THE RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY!

(Imagine Liv Tyler dressed in Zelda's outfit here. Don't worry if you don't want to imagine it, because I sure am. Yes, ma'am.)

Category the One-st: Beer of the Week

Winner: Labatt Blue Light

Reason: Honestly, it's the only beer we have in the house, and since it's Friday and the Cavs are on, it's Beertime. Even if it wasn't, I'd still be drinking it. For as cheap as it is, it's mighty tasty. Sure, it's a piss-poor substitute for the snobby beers I've been introduced to, but man, when you get two of those in a mug given to you by your fraternity for being old, you feel good drinking its golden splendor. I see you looking at me, Xi Chi crest, and you are wondrous. Keep holding my beer for me and I will keep drinking from you.

See? Simple. Next week, we'll have a BotW and a new category. I picked beer first because there are a SHLOAD of beers that I enjoy, so that will at least last us until we get to the 10th category added.

Why are you reading this? You should also be drinking and/or partying!

Come back Monday, especially if you like to disenjoy things. Next Saturday: another Wonps.

Innuendo That Lasts

The reason this thing didn't get updated at the usual time stems from two reasons: I couldn't find the exact video I wanted, and I don't know how to edit them.

This is where imadnauseam@gmail.com comes into play. If you know how to get videos from Y'tube (shortening makes it hip, right?) and then edit them, hit me up. 

Either way, the extended version I found is, luckily, still awful! A blessing and a curse, to be fair.

BUT! I ask you all to watch 0:22 to the end, as that's pretty much the edited version, and what I will be talking about first, so let that sucker load, and then skip ahead, then watch, then puke, then go back to the beginning, then watch, then puke again. 

Also, let me inform you that after the "no crash," they explain it's sold in stores everywhere in that same, faux sultry manvoice, so, yeah, they cut out a nice part that extends the suckitude. And, the last line is "Now, I'm ready!" That in your head? Good. 

The edited version pops up on most the stuff I watch all day. ESPN, Comedy Central, FX, etc. This 10-second sucker will repeat itself over, and over, and over, and over, and over.

Actually, do that. Watch from 0:22 to the end a few times.

Go ahead. I can wait.

You done? No, you're not. You didn't try it. DO IT!

Good. Unless you didn't, then I'm disappointed in you.

Anyway, commercial repetition will get a product stuck in your head, so one point for the industry. Commercial repetition may also annoy the hell out of you, putting a negative connotation with whatever product, so take that point away and give it to someone deserving. Orphans need points, I hope.

Even so, if the commercial made sense, then sure, repetition would at least merit something. But, as you've seen the essentially edited edition, you notice yourself thinking "What the bagoo?" That's right, you used a word usually reserved for me and some of my friends.

You have someone stating the product name, and then an almost rhyme. In the actual edit, there is an unnecessarily long pause between "energy that lasts" and "no crash" where you can tell that, if the voice-over guy was good, he would've made some kind of change in inflection, but nope. Instead, he deserves to get paid as much as I do for bitching about this stuff.

Oh, and then you still see the guy at the end of the shortened ad, in his unusually tight dress shirt (that's not company policy, but today IS casual Friday...hmmm...conflicted) stating "Now, I'm ready!" Unfortunately, we don't have a fucking clue what he's ready for. Is he going off to shrink more of his clothes? Perhaps he's going to beat the shit out of whomever's on the other side of the desk? That's what people use energy shots for, right? Shit-beating-out-of-itude?

Of course, a few days ago I finally saw the real ad, and then it was all I could find on the webterweb. Instead of ruining this entry, it enhances, just like 6 hour energy enhances not only your mind and body, but actually doesn't do either of those. It does make you bounce off the fucking walls, though.

So now, feel free to watch the entire ad.

Oh, and you can close your mouth now. You may be shocked, but that thing got on TV, even though that furniture commercial with the boner-spring I showcased a while back couldn't be shown, despite no actual sexual content. Way to play favorites, FCC.

So we get to Mrs. Hola (Mrs. Hoe-la from now on, because my clever lever has been pulled) being a nice, innocent, abstinent secretary for Stacker 2. Product placement within product placement. Overkill? Yes. It seems like she's slacking on the job, though, not taking notes or calls, neglecting to file paperwork, not a single copy of anything being made, but, wait! It's okay! Her boss has called her in for what could only be a most important meeting. She grabs...something...and heads on it.

Apparently, the boss has just been given a raise!

Oh, yeah, I went there, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

So, welcome to sex on TV, enhanced by some energy drink. Oh, it's okay that he knocked the picture off his desk. It's only presumably his wife. No biggie for a big-time Stacker 2 exec, right? Thank God he had Stacker 2's energy shot to get him through that!

What the fuck, people? Adultery sells? No, it doesn't. Sex sells, this has been proven. Studies and the fact that, well, we all love sex (if you're having it, and fuck the people that are if you're not, right? But don't actually fuck them, because then you're one of them, and then a hypocrite, but then you won't care, right? Followin' me?). What we don't love is worrying that our loved one/spouse/partner/fuckbuddy is sexing it up with their secretary/boss. Yeah, do remember it's MRS. Hoe-la, not Ms. or Miss.

Oh.

Wait.

He wasn't getting it on with Mrs. Hoe-la. That's clean then, right? No actual sexual content?

No, he was jacking it. Fantastic.

And what makes it even better? Instead of just jacking it, maybe even to his wife's picture? He jacked it and then took an energy shot in preparation to do his also married secretary.

These are life lessons, people. The main lesson here is: if you buy these overly expensive energy shots, you will cheat on your lover, but thankfully, you'll have the drive to plow.

I hope you're all relatively disgusted by now, because it's ratings time!

-Mrs. Hoe-la, to you, I bequeath 8 hot points, because, well, you're hot. But I take them all away and give you 1 Scarlet Letter. If you don't know what that means, then you missed that day in English class.

-Big-Time Exec. Guy, I never gave you an actual nickname, but I still have some ratings and parting gifts. 2 energy points because tapping that fine, stenographer ass will use them up. Negative 8 energy points because that shit DOES make you crash, or it at least made me crash the one time I tried. And, as a consolation prize (which you will receive in your divorce settlement), I award you some XL T-shirts so you can wear something that doesn't show off your nips.

Feel free to show up tomorrow to check out something I'll be doing every weekend that happens to be a critique, but gives you a little more insight into the things I like and do. AKA things that won't be so outright sucky to watch.