This is where imadnauseam@gmail.com comes into play. If you know how to get videos from Y'tube (shortening makes it hip, right?) and then edit them, hit me up.
Either way, the extended version I found is, luckily, still awful! A blessing and a curse, to be fair.
BUT! I ask you all to watch 0:22 to the end, as that's pretty much the edited version, and what I will be talking about first, so let that sucker load, and then skip ahead, then watch, then puke, then go back to the beginning, then watch, then puke again.
Also, let me inform you that after the "no crash," they explain it's sold in stores everywhere in that same, faux sultry manvoice, so, yeah, they cut out a nice part that extends the suckitude. And, the last line is "Now, I'm ready!" That in your head? Good.
The edited version pops up on most the stuff I watch all day. ESPN, Comedy Central, FX, etc. This 10-second sucker will repeat itself over, and over, and over, and over, and over.
Actually, do that. Watch from 0:22 to the end a few times.
Go ahead. I can wait.
You done? No, you're not. You didn't try it. DO IT!
Good. Unless you didn't, then I'm disappointed in you.
Anyway, commercial repetition will get a product stuck in your head, so one point for the industry. Commercial repetition may also annoy the hell out of you, putting a negative connotation with whatever product, so take that point away and give it to someone deserving. Orphans need points, I hope.
Even so, if the commercial made sense, then sure, repetition would at least merit something. But, as you've seen the essentially edited edition, you notice yourself thinking "What the bagoo?" That's right, you used a word usually reserved for me and some of my friends.
You have someone stating the product name, and then an almost rhyme. In the actual edit, there is an unnecessarily long pause between "energy that lasts" and "no crash" where you can tell that, if the voice-over guy was good, he would've made some kind of change in inflection, but nope. Instead, he deserves to get paid as much as I do for bitching about this stuff.
Oh, and then you still see the guy at the end of the shortened ad, in his unusually tight dress shirt (that's not company policy, but today IS casual Friday...hmmm...conflicted) stating "Now, I'm ready!" Unfortunately, we don't have a fucking clue what he's ready for. Is he going off to shrink more of his clothes? Perhaps he's going to beat the shit out of whomever's on the other side of the desk? That's what people use energy shots for, right? Shit-beating-out-of-itude?
Of course, a few days ago I finally saw the real ad, and then it was all I could find on the webterweb. Instead of ruining this entry, it enhances, just like 6 hour energy enhances not only your mind and body, but actually doesn't do either of those. It does make you bounce off the fucking walls, though.
So now, feel free to watch the entire ad.
Oh, and you can close your mouth now. You may be shocked, but that thing got on TV, even though that furniture commercial with the boner-spring I showcased a while back couldn't be shown, despite no actual sexual content. Way to play favorites, FCC.
So we get to Mrs. Hola (Mrs. Hoe-la from now on, because my clever lever has been pulled) being a nice, innocent, abstinent secretary for Stacker 2. Product placement within product placement. Overkill? Yes. It seems like she's slacking on the job, though, not taking notes or calls, neglecting to file paperwork, not a single copy of anything being made, but, wait! It's okay! Her boss has called her in for what could only be a most important meeting. She grabs...something...and heads on it.
Apparently, the boss has just been given a raise!
Oh, yeah, I went there, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
So, welcome to sex on TV, enhanced by some energy drink. Oh, it's okay that he knocked the picture off his desk. It's only presumably his wife. No biggie for a big-time Stacker 2 exec, right? Thank God he had Stacker 2's energy shot to get him through that!
What the fuck, people? Adultery sells? No, it doesn't. Sex sells, this has been proven. Studies and the fact that, well, we all love sex (if you're having it, and fuck the people that are if you're not, right? But don't actually fuck them, because then you're one of them, and then a hypocrite, but then you won't care, right? Followin' me?). What we don't love is worrying that our loved one/spouse/partner/fuckbuddy is sexing it up with their secretary/boss. Yeah, do remember it's MRS. Hoe-la, not Ms. or Miss.
Oh.
Wait.
He wasn't getting it on with Mrs. Hoe-la. That's clean then, right? No actual sexual content?
No, he was jacking it. Fantastic.
And what makes it even better? Instead of just jacking it, maybe even to his wife's picture? He jacked it and then took an energy shot in preparation to do his also married secretary.
These are life lessons, people. The main lesson here is: if you buy these overly expensive energy shots, you will cheat on your lover, but thankfully, you'll have the drive to plow.
I hope you're all relatively disgusted by now, because it's ratings time!
-Mrs. Hoe-la, to you, I bequeath 8 hot points, because, well, you're hot. But I take them all away and give you 1 Scarlet Letter. If you don't know what that means, then you missed that day in English class.
-Big-Time Exec. Guy, I never gave you an actual nickname, but I still have some ratings and parting gifts. 2 energy points because tapping that fine, stenographer ass will use them up. Negative 8 energy points because that shit DOES make you crash, or it at least made me crash the one time I tried. And, as a consolation prize (which you will receive in your divorce settlement), I award you some XL T-shirts so you can wear something that doesn't show off your nips.
Feel free to show up tomorrow to check out something I'll be doing every weekend that happens to be a critique, but gives you a little more insight into the things I like and do. AKA things that won't be so outright sucky to watch.
No comments:
Post a Comment