Anyway, who's the dick that didn't update this thing for the longest time?
Oh...whoops.
So I've been busy and a bit uninspired. Why? Because I've been content with life. When I'm happy, I don't get angry about so many things anymore.
But! I've found a way to write with spite without actually being pissed. Granted, anger for this is like steroids for baseball. Except it doesn't shrink my balls or make me seem like an asshole in front of the national media. Anger, instead, makes balls bigger and only makes me seem like an asshole in front of local newspapers.
Oh, I guess I should get back to critiquing shit, right? And what better way than to start off with Part Deux of my Super Bowl Favorites/Haterites (yup) list!
Wait, when the hell was the Super Bowl? I've been gone for that long?
Anywho, my 2nd favorite Super Bowl ad for this past game!
The key here is repetition. The key here is repetition makes everything funnier. The key here is I'm not going to continue this bit.
Seriously, though, we've all seen a comedy skit, stand-up bit, cartoon, etc. that uses this technique. It starts off funny, gets funnier, tapers off, then the repetition somehow makes it even funnier.
That, and the implementing of "It's gold" is rather...well, golden.
Also that, and I love it because every worker that hates where they are reminds me, at least visually, of someone I know in real life. Even that fist that punches the koala. That's me. I punch things.
Okay, I just watched in five times. 1st time: funny. 2nd time: a little funnier because I noticed the blending of gold bars. 3rd: kinda worse. 4th: not much better. 5th: I got distracted by the Oscars.
Failed experiment, but just take my word for it that this commercial should kill (and did...I died from watching), or you could watch it yourself BEFORE reading this. And if you haven't watched the ads I bitch about before reading these until now, then...hey, dummy.
While you're distracted with gasping at my meanitude, I'll be starting one of the two tied for 2nd place. That's right, a tie, because I'm a cheater!
Chill out. You may like this. I get that. I didn't, and I have my reasons!
Well, the first may be ignorance on my part. I understand that bugs tend to go for sweet stuff (mostly ants...but I guess they did a Coke commercial before, right? And that's why they got shafted on casting on this one? Specieists). But to this extent, and with...is that a dung beetle? I'm terrible with biology, for feel free to correct me, but I can't open a bottle that's not a twist off without an opener or my teeth. Yeah, it hurts sometimes, but you do dumb things when drunk. Don't believe me? Grab a drink and see what happens*!
*I don't condone underage drinking. I do condone awesome things that happen when drunk, though.
But, yeah, realism = not there. That's not that big of a deal, actually. What IS the big deal is I DON'T WANT A ONE MINUTE STORY ABOUT BUGS STEALING FROM PEOPLE! That guy bought that Coca-Cola with his hard earned money doing whatever the hell he does (he's a bit unshaven and without shoes, so...beggar? Vagabond? Actor? Hi-yo!), and he doesn't need a team of bugs pulling a heist.
Wait...count the bugs. Grab 14 of them and George Clooney can make another Ocean's film. Who would expect Danny Ocean to work with a crack team of grasshoppers? Box Office Gold. If "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" can become number one, then anything can. Agree to agree on this, people.
But the BIGGEST problem I have with this is but one, simple thing: the butterfly.
Let's pause for a second and pretend that I can ignore this commercial trying to make a 1-minute story without unsympathetic characters and a dung beetle stronger than my right hand (his name is NITRO) using music from "Peter and the Wolf" even though that story has absolutely nothing to do with this commercial. Are you set in this fantasy world? Good.
Now imagine you call in the butterflies to help. They're beautiful, yet frightening creatures. Yet, you have the one butterfly land on the guys nose to cause an itch.
Yes, it causes him to lift his arm so the bottle can roll without bumping into it. But, instead of finding a way around his arm (those slighted ants, perhaps, with their super strength and cuteness from "Honey! I Shrunk the Kids"), you are risking waking him up with the itch (he may have a super sensitive nose, who knows? Knows...nose...hehe!) or he could've used his other arm, which happened to be closer to his nose and already a bit elevated.
It's picky, but I'm picky. It all works.
And I'm assuming all the bugs got bug diabetes from that much Coke. And bug cavities. And bug sugar rushes and crashes. And bug fat because that's what pop does to you. And bug stickiness, which is just the worst.
But, even those these are tied, I think I hate this next one slightly more.
Okay, let me take you through my thought process when first seeing this ad. Pay no attention to the title of the clip, because that wasn't part of it when it showed during the Super Bowl.
0:00-0:08- A sunglasses commercial? No...too early, no punchline, no twist. But then the twisting logo reminds me of the recylcing symbol...so maybe that? Nope.
0:08-0:14- This doesn't seem right for a military commercial. Bob Dylan and the army just...they don't seem to go together, am I right? Oh, we're still going. Good thing I type 45 words per 6 seconds. Means I can type all my thoughts without pausing!
0:14-0:17- Okay, I can see this somehow tying into a skateboard commercial, but when do you ever see those? For skateboard video games, yeah. X-games coming up? No...then what?
0:17-0:22- Oh, shit, is Bruce Lee resurrected! No...hopes got up for an awesome, new kung-fu movie. Just some symmetrical karate shit. Don't really see a purpose in advertising for that.
0:22-0:25- FUCK! It's a got-dang cell phone commercial exploiting the dumbest concert-goer technique ever. Lighters = yes. Cell phones = FUCK YOU!
0:25-0:31- Oh, we're still going, and no Verizon or Alltel logo popped up? We may be in the clear. Just Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am. jamming, that's cool.
0:31-0:34- Surfing. Same vein as skateboarding. Don't care. Movin' on!
0:34-0:37- A car commercial. Fanfuckingtastic. It's better than a cell phone ad, though, in the sense that genital warts are better than syphillis.
0:37-0:40- Oh, not that, either? Instead a...graffiti commercial? What? Or, maybe just something about peace? One of those ads with a message? Okay, well, that makes sense with all the past/present tie-ins, I guess.
0:40-0:43- Gumby is not Shrek. Green does not mean similar. Gumby is stretchy and flexible. Shrek is an ogre. Gumby doesn't do constant pop culture references. Shrek does. Not as much as Family Guy, but to the point where the whole "fairy tale" story took a backseat to Eddie Murphy being a jackass. Yes, I meant that in every sense.
0:43-0:48- Did not need to see a guy dancing in a speedo. Really didn't need it.
0:48-0:53- Go America? Yeah? Still doesn't make sense. Are we trying to weed out the terrorists by finding people who didn't cheer at this ad and sending them to Gitmo?
0:53-0:55- Thank you, Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am.
0:55-1:02- What. WHAT. Come ON! All that (mostly) neat shit for one tiny, minuscule, pointless connection between the ages for PEPSFUCKINGI?! That's it, I'm out. 1 minute of completely worthless buildup to something expectedly cool but apparently ridamndiculous.
No ratings still, because this series is all about already being rated.
Catch you guys next time, and glad to be back and writing these entries, even if they get me so riled up I want to punch something cute.
C'mere. Pow.
1 comment:
The Pepsi one is definitively worse, hands down, no contest. Thank God... 'scuse me. Thank capitalism that we live in a country where artists can constantly do the work of older, more iconic artists, and that two of them can then come together and sell the rights to their work for a quick buck at the expense of taste and any amount of common sense. Pepsi is to music as Christian Bale is to the lunch lady back at Wooster with the "No Swearing" pin. That's some SAT shit right there!
Also, yes indeed: FUCK CELL PHONES AT CONCERTS. I want to personally strangle every person who's ever had the audacity to think that's cool, but I just don't have the time or gas money. Rant over!
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