Super Bowl's Best/Worst: Part One of Three

Why, oh why did I promise updates three days in a row?

Probably because I already had the ads? 

Today, we begin the top three AND bottom three ads from the '09 Super Bowl. First off, be forewarned: you may not agree with my choices or their places. I have my reasons, and I will do my best to state them, but as far as I remember, this is where I write and where you don't.

Except that one time I gave you guys a chance to voice your own opinions. But most of you failed to do so. Maybe if you did, I would be glad to post your own opinions on the Super Bowl ads (and you can in the comments), but until you learn what "audience participation" is, no soap box for you!

Except those that DID respond. You get privileges.

So, like I said, I will do my best to elaborate why I chose these 6 for best and worst. And we will always start with the "best" list. It's like having desert before dinner, except less fattening. Aw, who am I kidding? This is a calorie-packed blog.

#3 Best: Doh-ree-toes

Why: What's more funny than unexpected vanadalism? Unexpected nut shots. What's even funnier than that? Probably the other two ads I chose to be above this one.

Seriously, though, the action in this commercial came out of nowhere, PLUS I think it was fan written. I'm not sure, and I'm too lazy to look it up, but I'm pretty positive that Doritos had a contest for fan-created ads for the Super Bowl, and these fans did not disappoint.

Also, you may feel bad for the old guy who gets front row seats to The Nutcracker, but how often do you think he uses Lefty and Low Rider? Yeah, yeah, it's not funny to get hit in the nuts. But isn't it funny to watch someone else receive said treatment? Save your sympathy for things that aren't inherently hilarious.

Rewatching it, that initial crash is so jarring. And that makes it awesome. Destruction isn't as cool unless it sounds cool.

And, man, my balls are not a fan of this, but my balls also don't control my sense of humor. If you don't know what they control, then pay attention in health class. Also, no, I did not name my own testicles "Lefty and Low Rider." I assumed the old guy did. You don't get to know. The soap box is not for my duts.

If you don't know what duts are, then you also know I'm usually not this...vulgar? Profane, yes. Nut-discussing vulgar? Notsomuch.

Moving on from that train wreck.

#3 Worst: Cheetos.

Yes, it IS awesome that my #3's have rhyming products. It is also awesome that they are original bright orange. It is not awesome that this one sucks.

"But, Ian," you say, "I thought this one was funny! Why don't you?" 

Well, I was discussing this with my Jewish buddy, and yes, I have to say he's Jewish to just enhance the differences between he and I (Him and me? He and me? I and him and me and he and wheeeeee? Fuck it; don't care), he pointed out that he is "not sure why [the Cheetos] commercials are advocating destructive/antisocial behavior," and I have to agree with him wholeheartedly.

Okay, it started off harmless enough by throwing orange snack foods into a washer with all white. And by "harmless," I mean "fucking annoying and I don't care how someone treats you, you probably shouldn't ruin their whites, asshole...unless it's Hitler...then it's okay." 

Or, perhaps, this Cheetos ad where the guy puts the crunchy (and good even 6 months old, trust me) junkfood all over his coworkers cubicle, and he even crushes one between his Macbook's (or whatever Mac laptop it is) screen and trackpad. To cap it off, this guy appears to not just be a "neat freak," but rather OCD. It's one thing if someone has apparently wronged you, and we never see this guy wrong the Cheeto-eater. 

But the Super Bowl one. Okay, so the chatty woman is a huge bitch and an even bigger stereotype. Does that give Average-Gal a reason to entice pigeons into attacking her? Also, on that note, why the hell are the pigeons actually attacking her? No, I'm not from a big city, so we don't get a bunch of "flying rats" as people seem to call them, so I don't know if this is normal pigeon behavior, but would they really do that?

And what's worse is Chester Cheetah's apparent fetish from antisocial behavior. 

"Yes."

Did that not creep you out? It didn't? Then perhaps his "relationship" with the hooded pigeon at the end did. 

If it didn't, then congratulations, you have found a new way to spread the Bird Flu. Oh, don't play dumb with me, you birdophiliac. And no, I don't know what the actual word would be for someone who sexes up birds, but feel free to Google that. I'm sure you'll feel really good about yourself afterwards.

So, if you happened to enjoy a 30-second, Cheetos-driven version of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds," then you may not appreciate my choice, but this commercial is not funny or fun. I expect to be entertained by Super Bowl ads, and this one did not nondisappoint. It didn't appoint? Whatever, English majors feel free to snicker at me.

And if this is the one I only hated third worst, then what could I have in store for the other two? Probably ones you liked. So come on back tomorrow and Friday to have your tastes called into question!

No ratings, as I'm already rating them 3, 2, and 1. Don't wanna be too redundant several times repeating. 

Tune in tomorrow for the #2 best and worst of the Supah Bowl.