Didn't I just do this?

Alright, so I'm updating late again...but I still blame you slackers, mostly because I can. That, and for all you that read, you are terrible at actually reading.

But, I tire of waiting, so I'll give my own views on the Heineken ad and your own snippets I enjoyed later.

First off, I pose a question: Sometimes, you'll see a commercial, and then later, something is changed in that ad. It doesn't make it short enough to be a time edit, and the removed portion didn't seem offensive enough to warrant being cut, so why does it happen?

Examples: a recent Verizon ad.

Getting really tired of the Verizon guy getting paid so much for so little, but that's not the point. Instead, if you notice at 0:12, there's a line about his not-so-related-uncle not owing him money. In recent showings, this ad removed the "but he doesn't owe me money" and kept the rest of the dialogue. So, I thought, what warranted this? Are Italians known moochers? Doesn't everyone mooch, though, and even so, is that offensive? If the line was "but he's never whacked me," I'd understand. And for any mobster that reads this, I know nothin', so cool your jets, wise guy.

Was that mafiaesque enough?

Another thought that occurred: is our crappy economy related to this, just because a lack of money was implied? If so, are you people fucked up? Would that line be that offensive to those out of work? 

Then, a final thought came to me: cell phone commercials, for the most part, are garbage, so of course they do dumb shit like this.

A more understood example: remember my bitching about Alltel and Herschman? Well, I believe I mentioned that Verizon had bought Alltel (if I didn't, pretend I did). 

Notice someone missing? Is it not who you expected? If that's true, then who the balls did you expect? I just hinted heavily at what would happen.

This commercial, and the one involving a garbage truck hostage situation (that gets resolved very poorly, but I couldn't find it and bitch about it, so fuck that) both had the Verizon redhead in it. As you can see, he's been edited out, or the scenes were reshot. This is an example of logic, and I wish it applied to all ads. But it never will. Not while I'm alive. Companies unintentionally spite me. It's a hunch.

But, that was all meant for you to ponder on. Watch commercials, keep them in your mind, and take note of any that seem to change for little-to-no reason. Cutting one from 30 seconds to 10 is not a "little-to-no reason" but rather super logical, so keep sharp. 

Now, for the real entry. I do wish this one would be cut from 30 to 0 seconds, but we can't all get what we wish for (sorry, Arizona).

Lemme point out one positive within this: the synchronization is spectacular between the Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, and African actors all portraying the same guy.

Now let me point out that I don't have a FUCKING clue what this is all about.

Seriously. The white guy's getting a tailored suit from what I assume is a generally skilled Asian (by the by, if I get these ethnicities wrong, don't mind me. I'm uncultured and uncouth). This I understand. We're on a good, logical path.

And then it goes to hell.

First off, the real guy doesn't seem to notice/care that he has three ethnic reflections. And, if he's used to it, then what does he see when he only has one mirror or reflecting surface at a time? Eskimo? Indian? Merman? If it's the third, then awesome, but still, what the fuck.

Secondly, how come only one of them gets Skittles? Reparations, people!

Yeah, this is where I lock my door before I get beat down. I expect it. Having black friends doesn't mean I can make black jokes. You'd think I would understand this by now, but I apparently haven't.

Thirdly, how's about a language your target audience can understand? Sure, there will be a few who understand whatever language that is (remember: can't point out true ethnicities), but this is an American commercial, where the majority of us speak English. What, you didn't know that? Are you Canadian? 

Oh, you are? Then welcome to an American blog about awful American (and sometimes South African, British, and Japanese) commercials! Thank you for being the clean USA, Canada.

Still, if we knew what they were saying/shouting, maybe this commercial would be better. I'm not betting on it, but hey, everyone deserves a shot, right? No, not you, Herschman. Never you.

But, alas, we know nothing of their shouting match, nor why he has Skittles, or why there are so many versions of this nerdy white guy. 

I do have a clue why he kicks the mirror out. Wait, no, I don't. I don't get ANYTHING in this ad. He kicks it out of anger? Greed? Being a karate master? You keep being stereotypes, and I'll keep being stereotypical.

Man, I'm awful.

Anyway, the thing that bugs the hell out of most would happen to be the tailor's coy laughter at the end. "Oh, it's okay, strange personality traits ALWAYS kick out my mirrors. It just means we're having a sale! A 'I Know Kung Fu' sale. Because I like The Matrix!" This is how my mind travels.

Related, this commercial does have a shorter version, and while it doesn't make much more sense, it DOES take out the entire dialogue between tailor and Bruce Lee. At least we don't have to attempt to decipher the rather pointless argument.

And yes, if you go to the actual Youtube site for this commercial, people "translated" it in the comments. But that's just it: Youtube comments. Take them for what they're good for*.

*Absolutely nothin'. Thanks, Edwin Starr.

Not getting your regular matings*? Then here are your ratings!

*Sexings-ups

-Whitey: No, you're not eating Skittles. Here are 4 Shittles, though. Not as tasty, but they do come in the color Brown. And I come in the color Classy.

-Tailor: Is this like Poltergeist? Did you build your clothing store on top of an Indian burial ground? You did? Then why are Indians one of the few races not represented here? -2 Logic points.

-Mirror guys: You shouldn't exist, so neither do your points.

-MARS Snacks: That's twice you've wronged me with Skittles ads. Make it three and we'll see what happens. It has to do with the phrase "Taste the Rainbow." Except "Rainbow" will stand for "Ramming an icicle near breathing organs, WOW!" It's not catchy, but it will be painful, and that's all I ask.

To make up for my crappy updating, I'll be doing a Super Bowl series Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this week. They should feature two different countdowns: my 3 favorite ads and the 3 worst from this past Super Bowl. We'll start with the 3rd best and worst and work our way from there. Subject to change if I can't find anything to bitch about (hint: I will find many things).

Until then, imadnauseam@gmail.com: because you still haven't.