Click Here For Creepy Celeb Pictures

So, here's something new. I did mention I would eventually work with internet ads, magazine ads, billboards, and radio ads if I could find them. Well, we ARE on the internet, and since I am terrible at saving animated .gifs (that stupid little silhouette of someone getting their freak on about...insurance...I will have you), I haven't been able to find a suitably awful internet ad. Granted, I must be pretty lazy to not find one, but I didn't go all out to search since there was an abundance of already-terrible TV ads.

But here we are. And here you go.

At first glance, this is a banner for facial reconstruction surgery. How else would these celebs get such perfect bone structure?

No. It's about white teeth. Ohhh, wait, yeah, I see it. It's pretty hard to miss the multiple unnecessary lens flares.

We can look first at the picture of Brad Pitt. Or is that Lance Bass? Or Barack Obama?

See, I can't tell because someone must've punched him in the face and given him a fat lip. And a fat chin. And a fat jaw. And fat cheeks. And fat teeth. And then they must've unpunched him in the rest of his face, which is why he has small eyes. And nose. And ears. And hair. Unpunched hair. It works for me, at least.

The problem here isn't the idea of the lens flare. It's the idea that "more is better." Here's a hint, "1 Trick for Whiter Teeth," if that is your real name: when you're advertising a better something (in this case: teeth, of course), I would suggest you, I dunno, let us see them? You went through the trouble of distorting his face to enlarge the teethal region, but then you found out how to make lens flares.

Now, I'm not very good at photoshop, as evident from my whining about it, but I do surf the interocean plenty, and from what I've learned from sites on webcomics, articles, sports blogs, blah blah blah, is that the "lens flare" is cool, but, man, is it ever overused.

Well, "1 Trick for Whiter Teeth" was a "1 Trick Pony for Photoshop" here. It just got corny in here, people.

We can see half the teeth. Are they that white? No. Would we want them that white? Sure, why the hell not? Let's have teeth soooooo white that they blind you. Actually, that's not the worst idea, is it? I mean, let's look at this scenario: you're a generally surly person, someone who doesn't like to smile much. Two reasons: you hate everyone and you have yellow teeth. Well, if you use this one trick (didn't look up what it is, because I like my face to be at normal proportions), you can GET those whiter teeth, and maybe this'll encourage your surly-self to smile more. Still a grumpy Gus? Smile anyway and blind those people you hate. Win-win, champ.

Oh, and my favorite part? Look a little bit above that behemoth of a chin. You see that white line going across? Do you see where the fuck that could be coming from? I see no source for that flare line at all. Perhaps he was dodging a bullet at the time this picture was taken, all with a terrific smile that no one can see because we are now legally blind because of said smile. S'ok, though, because at least we can show off our sunglasses  year round. Yeah, I'm awful, but I'm not these "1 trick" people.

At least the second picture doesn't overdo the lens flare. 

Okay, that's a lie, but we CAN see the teeth.

But first, you notice that the same sort of distortions were made to this picture as the one above it. The difference? I have NO idea who this person could be. What I DO know is that she looks like she can crush my skull in one bite. Them's some power jaws. 

This picture just generally creeps me out more than the former. The tooth all the way to the right is blurred. Did that tooth not sign the forms to allow its image to be displayed on TV? Perhaps it is in the Witness Protection Program? 

And then you have the two white dots near her chin. Don't be childish, I don't mean they're what you think they are. Please, give me SOME credit. 

It's not toothpaste splatter, you immature person, you. I'm sure she has the manners to clean that up.

No, it just looks like....wait.

Waaaaaait a second. 

You think it means...oh! Gross! Well, you just march yourself into the bathroom and wash your brain out with some Irish Spring.

It does look like someone spit on the camera, though, and that whoever photoshopped this needed to enhance that, too. I mean, why not? More attention to take away from the teeth that seem to actually be white, though we can't focus on that anyway because of what appears to be white straw emerging from her mouth.

Now time for ratings...FrOm ThE iNtErNeT! WhoooooooOOOOOOOOO!

Anyway, here:

-Guy: If you're Brad Pitt: 12 points for being a good actor, -23 points for allowing you image to be distorted in such a way, and -48 for probably not allowing it but also not stopping it. 6 flare points, though, for ruining my vision.

-Girl: Sorry I didn't know who you were, but I'm afraid that, if I knew your name, then that would somehow allow you to find me and wreck me with your humongous jaw. You can have all the points in the world if you just promise to keep those chompers away from me.

-"1 Trick": So, I did want whiter teeth, but now I'm scared on what teeth whitening will do to the rest of my face, so thanks for that irrational fear. 7 Therapy Points.

Hope my branching out worked a bit. Get used to it because I've now got a stockpile of internet banner ads, all cringe-worthy.