Weekend Antiangst: The Inauguration

No, this isn't going to be about actual inaugurations. How fun would that be to read every Saturday? Ian's list of (least) favorite presidential inaugurations. But they could even be presidents for other countries or even businesses!

But, no, things I'm not doing: that. Sorry, history nerds.

No, I've finally come up with something to do for these weekends which doesn't require searching for videos that I know piss me off and then writing about them, which requires me to review them even further and even delve into actual research, depending on the product, where all of that just riles me up in the worst of ways. Nonsexually. I said the worst of ways. I feel bad if I have family members reading this, but they now know what they've been in for.

Also, yes, maybe I should've put a hyphen between "anti" and "angst" up there, but I like the word in makes. An-shung-stuh. 

An-shung-stuh. Important ending sound.

Anywho, what I'm going to be trying, as I realized reviewing Twitter profiles and the relative tweets is kind of...difficult...to make an entire post (sober) about, and since I did that, what, once? Well, I'm moving onto something with a little more fluff to counter all the bitchosity I bring during the week.

Saturday is now the day of "Ian's List of Stuff That Appeals to His Taste With No Particular Structure," or the ILoSTAtHTWNPS, as the kids call it. And even THAT, as I just made up the sentence with no expectancy, has a nice sound. "I lost at hot wonps." Wonps. That is the new title for this feature. 

See, people, I work on the fly.

The way this rolls: I pick one category a week (song, TV show, play, food, container, precipitation, whatever) and give a little insight on why I mentioned it. This will cumulative until 10, which is the cap for the list.

What does that mean? It means I will start off with 1 category and move to 2 next week, with the 1st category staying on until I run out of things to list in that particular section. 3rd week holds the 2 former categories with new subjects PLUS a new third one. If you don't understand, show up in 3 weeks and you'll go "OHHHHH! That makes sense." 

ON TO THE RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY!

(Imagine Liv Tyler dressed in Zelda's outfit here. Don't worry if you don't want to imagine it, because I sure am. Yes, ma'am.)

Category the One-st: Beer of the Week

Winner: Labatt Blue Light

Reason: Honestly, it's the only beer we have in the house, and since it's Friday and the Cavs are on, it's Beertime. Even if it wasn't, I'd still be drinking it. For as cheap as it is, it's mighty tasty. Sure, it's a piss-poor substitute for the snobby beers I've been introduced to, but man, when you get two of those in a mug given to you by your fraternity for being old, you feel good drinking its golden splendor. I see you looking at me, Xi Chi crest, and you are wondrous. Keep holding my beer for me and I will keep drinking from you.

See? Simple. Next week, we'll have a BotW and a new category. I picked beer first because there are a SHLOAD of beers that I enjoy, so that will at least last us until we get to the 10th category added.

Why are you reading this? You should also be drinking and/or partying!

Come back Monday, especially if you like to disenjoy things. Next Saturday: another Wonps.

Innuendo That Lasts

The reason this thing didn't get updated at the usual time stems from two reasons: I couldn't find the exact video I wanted, and I don't know how to edit them.

This is where imadnauseam@gmail.com comes into play. If you know how to get videos from Y'tube (shortening makes it hip, right?) and then edit them, hit me up. 

Either way, the extended version I found is, luckily, still awful! A blessing and a curse, to be fair.

BUT! I ask you all to watch 0:22 to the end, as that's pretty much the edited version, and what I will be talking about first, so let that sucker load, and then skip ahead, then watch, then puke, then go back to the beginning, then watch, then puke again. 

Also, let me inform you that after the "no crash," they explain it's sold in stores everywhere in that same, faux sultry manvoice, so, yeah, they cut out a nice part that extends the suckitude. And, the last line is "Now, I'm ready!" That in your head? Good. 

The edited version pops up on most the stuff I watch all day. ESPN, Comedy Central, FX, etc. This 10-second sucker will repeat itself over, and over, and over, and over, and over.

Actually, do that. Watch from 0:22 to the end a few times.

Go ahead. I can wait.

You done? No, you're not. You didn't try it. DO IT!

Good. Unless you didn't, then I'm disappointed in you.

Anyway, commercial repetition will get a product stuck in your head, so one point for the industry. Commercial repetition may also annoy the hell out of you, putting a negative connotation with whatever product, so take that point away and give it to someone deserving. Orphans need points, I hope.

Even so, if the commercial made sense, then sure, repetition would at least merit something. But, as you've seen the essentially edited edition, you notice yourself thinking "What the bagoo?" That's right, you used a word usually reserved for me and some of my friends.

You have someone stating the product name, and then an almost rhyme. In the actual edit, there is an unnecessarily long pause between "energy that lasts" and "no crash" where you can tell that, if the voice-over guy was good, he would've made some kind of change in inflection, but nope. Instead, he deserves to get paid as much as I do for bitching about this stuff.

Oh, and then you still see the guy at the end of the shortened ad, in his unusually tight dress shirt (that's not company policy, but today IS casual Friday...hmmm...conflicted) stating "Now, I'm ready!" Unfortunately, we don't have a fucking clue what he's ready for. Is he going off to shrink more of his clothes? Perhaps he's going to beat the shit out of whomever's on the other side of the desk? That's what people use energy shots for, right? Shit-beating-out-of-itude?

Of course, a few days ago I finally saw the real ad, and then it was all I could find on the webterweb. Instead of ruining this entry, it enhances, just like 6 hour energy enhances not only your mind and body, but actually doesn't do either of those. It does make you bounce off the fucking walls, though.

So now, feel free to watch the entire ad.

Oh, and you can close your mouth now. You may be shocked, but that thing got on TV, even though that furniture commercial with the boner-spring I showcased a while back couldn't be shown, despite no actual sexual content. Way to play favorites, FCC.

So we get to Mrs. Hola (Mrs. Hoe-la from now on, because my clever lever has been pulled) being a nice, innocent, abstinent secretary for Stacker 2. Product placement within product placement. Overkill? Yes. It seems like she's slacking on the job, though, not taking notes or calls, neglecting to file paperwork, not a single copy of anything being made, but, wait! It's okay! Her boss has called her in for what could only be a most important meeting. She grabs...something...and heads on it.

Apparently, the boss has just been given a raise!

Oh, yeah, I went there, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

So, welcome to sex on TV, enhanced by some energy drink. Oh, it's okay that he knocked the picture off his desk. It's only presumably his wife. No biggie for a big-time Stacker 2 exec, right? Thank God he had Stacker 2's energy shot to get him through that!

What the fuck, people? Adultery sells? No, it doesn't. Sex sells, this has been proven. Studies and the fact that, well, we all love sex (if you're having it, and fuck the people that are if you're not, right? But don't actually fuck them, because then you're one of them, and then a hypocrite, but then you won't care, right? Followin' me?). What we don't love is worrying that our loved one/spouse/partner/fuckbuddy is sexing it up with their secretary/boss. Yeah, do remember it's MRS. Hoe-la, not Ms. or Miss.

Oh.

Wait.

He wasn't getting it on with Mrs. Hoe-la. That's clean then, right? No actual sexual content?

No, he was jacking it. Fantastic.

And what makes it even better? Instead of just jacking it, maybe even to his wife's picture? He jacked it and then took an energy shot in preparation to do his also married secretary.

These are life lessons, people. The main lesson here is: if you buy these overly expensive energy shots, you will cheat on your lover, but thankfully, you'll have the drive to plow.

I hope you're all relatively disgusted by now, because it's ratings time!

-Mrs. Hoe-la, to you, I bequeath 8 hot points, because, well, you're hot. But I take them all away and give you 1 Scarlet Letter. If you don't know what that means, then you missed that day in English class.

-Big-Time Exec. Guy, I never gave you an actual nickname, but I still have some ratings and parting gifts. 2 energy points because tapping that fine, stenographer ass will use them up. Negative 8 energy points because that shit DOES make you crash, or it at least made me crash the one time I tried. And, as a consolation prize (which you will receive in your divorce settlement), I award you some XL T-shirts so you can wear something that doesn't show off your nips.

Feel free to show up tomorrow to check out something I'll be doing every weekend that happens to be a critique, but gives you a little more insight into the things I like and do. AKA things that won't be so outright sucky to watch.

Last (but not least...and most least)...Super Bowl Ratings (Part the Third of the Threes)

It's still Wednesday, so I take this as a good sign. 

Let's skip the appetizer and go straight for the prime rib, and if you're a vegetarian, I'm sorry for your loss of meat, but I thank you for leaving more for us. You're all champions in my eyes.

My favorite commercial from the Super Bowl is...

Not this one:

It was my favorite, but after watching it again, I realized the humor came more from the shock of the last few lines, the "no one wants to see you naked" and then Captain Creeper's line. But, since I saw this commercial already, the shock value is gone, and so is a large chunk of the humor. 

But! Luckily for Teleflora, it was more than good enough to keep their name in my head. They also did a fantastic job of actually advertising their service in a clever way, not bashing any other flower delivery service specifically (though, to be fair, I don't know a single other one, so good job not alerting us to others in case you suck, Teleflora), and having a short, cute, one-time funny commercial. Well done, Teleflora, but you only hold 1 1/2th place.

Instead, the REAL winner is: 

Are you surprised? You shouldn't be. Alec Baldwin is hilarious. I'm still not fully into "30 Rock," but I do know I should be! That's a step in the right direction.

This commercial panders to my age group easily: it's random, it features the shows we watch (note how they advertise "30 Rock" in here...clever contractual move, Baldwin), and it gives us interweberly hip a service we so desperately need: downloading shows for free without being pirates. Though piratetism is pretty cool. Yar and such.

The real winner here is the editing team. The special effects and set and CGI and junk are all well and good, but the key moment in this commercial that broke me was the back-and-forth laughter. I'm going to watch it again.

Yeah, STILL hilarious.

But, for every Alec Baldwin, we have a Stephen. Someone who's had the taste of success once and feels untouchable afterwards, but learn they are not only the reason we can't have nice things, but the reason we actually have bad things.

And here's my visual/audio aid:

Note: it took me a bit to find a non-3D version of this. The headache you can get from the ad itself is bad enough. I didn't want to ruin your entire day, but this...well, this may just do so anyway.

Because there is SO MUCH SHIT going on here, I'm going to break it down by the seconds once again, for your sake, my sake, and sanity's sake.

0:00-0:03- Lizard Lake. Get it? Instead of Swan, which is an animal, you get Lizard, which is ALSO an animal! We're already on the Clever Train. Next Stop: Smartsville.

0:03-0:17- Football players doing ballet. It's not uncommon. Apparently a lot do take it for the coordination it teaches and flexibility it enhances. Performing Swan Lizard Lake? A little more uncommon, but a lot of potential, to be fair. This could be funny.

0:17-0:26- Or not. With that little rattlesnake-handshake thingy, we begin our journey down past Hell into what can only be described as "The Thing Nightmares are Made Of, Only We Had To Through These Parts Out Because They Made Nightmares Too Wretched." It's a long description, but very accurate, as evident by the pointless Superman-type leap...and less-than-comedic crash, and another unfunny crash because the dancers were looking at your feet. If you were real dancers, you would know not to do that, assholes! We would have been able to avoid this upcoming mess (yes...would have been able to avoid this future you haven't seen yet) if you weren't idiots. But, then again, if you weren't, this may have been an enjoyable experience.

It's not, though.

0:26-0:32- Oh, joy, those fucking lizards. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. This is where the Stephen Baldwin analogy comes into play. Last year's ad with the hot gal was pretty good in the sense that it was new, and there was a hot lady. This year, it's a bunch of football players...and lizards...and characters from a movie that was still 2 months from being out. I liked the trailers for "Monsters Vs. Aliens," but this may be enough to change my mind.

0:32-0:38- Well, the director of this ballet's gotta be pissed. This isn't Swan Lake at all! Who's the joker that put on this cah-razy music, with all these wacky characters? And who said all the lizards could turn into piss-poor Heisman trophies? "Not I," said the ballet director.

0:38-0:41- Okay, one thing that makes sense: a dancing behemoth accidentally punting a small lizard. It's a liiiiittle logical. Another football player trying to bite him mid-air? Not so much. Unless he was trying to express shock and awe with that face, which, in that case, F minus, sir.

0:41-0:45- More dancing, but now that the vocals are in, we get a good sense to how out-of-tune it is. Great use of vocal effects, guys. Greater use of ruining the music from Swan Lake by associating it with this shit. Oh, and now there's a giant lizard. Will it be in the movie "Monsters vs. Aliens," or does the director of that movie have more sense? At this point, anything shitty could happen.

0:45-0:52- More dancing. I'm thinking of calling the cops and filing a noise complaint. I don't want to be "that guy," but I don't want these people to be anywhere near me. You make personal sacrifices for these situations. Oh, and what would a shitty party be without some jackass who Bedazzled his from teeth? Yeah, that's a good grill. Who needs gold teeth when you can put Sobe there instead? All I want for Christmas is to break their four front teeth. Their four front teeth. Their four front teeth.

0:52-1:00- Shitty dancing continues. Lizard cheerleaders do nothing but induce more barfing. Football players remind us they belong on the field and off the dance floor.

1:00-1:01- And there you go. You're left with a very disturbing transformation from man to lizard. Is it cool? No. Is it well done? No. Is it creepier than every horror movie that came out within the past 5 years? Yes, but that's not saying much. We don't need any more "Saw" movies, thank you.

Now, I could've picked a lot of different ones for the worst commercial of the Super Bowl. Pick a beer one, and you'll realize: they were all bad. But, even though I hate the idea behind the "drinkability" slogan (IT MEANS YOU ARE ABLE TO DRINK IT, ANHEUSER-BUSCH), two things: I already did a segment on that, and, even combined, they weren't nearly as bad as this Sobe one.

The absolute worst thing about this, though? Sobe tastes like shit. Pretty much every bad ad I've reviewed has a service/product that I enjoy. Beer, fast food, snacks, cell phones, furniture...but Sobe is awful. Just awful. It was what prisoners shower with. Yes, they end up stickier than when they go in. It is an awful prison, mind you, but they aren't forced to drink it, at least. That's cruel. Too cruel for even me.

No ratings. I feel you've gone through enough having to watch that 1-minute tragedy. 

We will get back to our normal ads Friday. "Normal" in the sense that nothing will be normal and everything you see will be horrible. Well, I guess that is on par for this blog.

Get out!

Dusting off the cobwebs (Super Bowl: part deux of three)

Well, I was just watching the Oscars (Cavs already did their domination, so I guess I could watch this), and Tom Cruise murdered Jimmy Kimmel via arson, so...that's cool.

Anyway, who's the dick that didn't update this thing for the longest time? 

Oh...whoops.

So I've been busy and a bit uninspired. Why? Because I've been content with life. When I'm happy, I don't get angry about so many things anymore.

But! I've found a way to write with spite without actually being pissed. Granted, anger for this is like steroids for baseball. Except it doesn't shrink my balls or make me seem like an asshole in front of the national media. Anger, instead, makes balls bigger and only makes me seem like an asshole in front of local newspapers.

Oh, I guess I should get back to critiquing shit, right? And what better way than to start off with Part Deux of my Super Bowl Favorites/Haterites (yup) list!

Wait, when the hell was the Super Bowl? I've been gone for that long?

Anywho, my 2nd favorite Super Bowl ad for this past game!

The key here is repetition. The key here is repetition makes everything funnier. The key here is I'm not going to continue this bit.

Seriously, though, we've all seen a comedy skit, stand-up bit, cartoon, etc. that uses this technique. It starts off funny, gets funnier, tapers off, then the repetition somehow makes it even funnier.

That, and the implementing of "It's gold" is rather...well, golden.

Also that, and I love it because every worker that hates where they are reminds me, at least visually, of someone I know in real life. Even that fist that punches the koala. That's me. I punch things.

Okay, I just watched in five times. 1st time: funny. 2nd time: a little funnier because I noticed the blending of gold bars. 3rd: kinda worse. 4th: not much better. 5th: I got distracted by the Oscars.

Failed experiment, but just take my word for it that this commercial should kill (and did...I died from watching), or you could watch it yourself BEFORE reading this. And if you haven't watched the ads I bitch about before reading these until now, then...hey, dummy.

While you're distracted with gasping at my meanitude, I'll be starting one of the two tied for 2nd place. That's right, a tie, because I'm a cheater!

Chill out. You may like this. I get that. I didn't, and I have my reasons!

Well, the first may be ignorance on my part. I understand that bugs tend to go for sweet stuff (mostly ants...but I guess they did a Coke commercial before, right? And that's why they got shafted on casting on this one? Specieists). But to this extent, and with...is that a dung beetle? I'm terrible with biology, for feel free to correct me, but I can't open a bottle that's not a twist off without an opener or my teeth. Yeah, it hurts sometimes, but you do dumb things when drunk. Don't believe me? Grab a drink and see what happens*!

*I don't condone underage drinking. I do condone awesome things that happen when drunk, though.

But, yeah, realism = not there. That's not that big of a deal, actually. What IS the big deal is I DON'T WANT A ONE MINUTE STORY ABOUT BUGS STEALING FROM PEOPLE! That guy bought that Coca-Cola with his hard earned money doing whatever the hell he does (he's a bit unshaven and without shoes, so...beggar? Vagabond? Actor? Hi-yo!), and he doesn't need a team of bugs pulling a heist.

Wait...count the bugs. Grab 14 of them and George Clooney can make another Ocean's film. Who would expect Danny Ocean to work with a crack team of grasshoppers? Box Office Gold. If "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" can become number one, then anything can. Agree to agree on this, people.

But the BIGGEST problem I have with this is but one, simple thing: the butterfly.

Let's pause for a second and pretend that I can ignore this commercial trying to make a 1-minute story without unsympathetic characters and a dung beetle stronger than my right hand (his name is NITRO) using music from "Peter and the Wolf" even though that story has absolutely nothing to do with this commercial. Are you set in this fantasy world? Good.

Now imagine you call in the butterflies to help. They're beautiful, yet frightening creatures. Yet, you have the one butterfly land on the guys nose to cause an itch. 

Yes, it causes him to lift his arm so the bottle can roll without bumping into it. But, instead of finding a way around his arm (those slighted ants, perhaps, with their super strength and cuteness from "Honey! I Shrunk the Kids"), you are risking waking him up with the itch (he may have a super sensitive nose, who knows? Knows...nose...hehe!) or he could've used his other arm, which happened to be closer to his nose and already a bit elevated. 

It's picky, but I'm picky. It all works.

And I'm assuming all the bugs got bug diabetes from that much Coke. And bug cavities. And bug sugar rushes and crashes. And bug fat because that's what pop does to you. And bug stickiness, which is just the worst.

But, even those these are tied, I think I hate this next one slightly more.

Okay, let me take you through my thought process when first seeing this ad. Pay no attention to the title of the clip, because that wasn't part of it when it showed during the Super Bowl.

0:00-0:08- A sunglasses commercial? No...too early, no punchline, no twist. But then the twisting logo reminds me of the recylcing symbol...so maybe that? Nope.

0:08-0:14- This doesn't seem right for a military commercial. Bob Dylan and the army just...they don't seem to go together, am I right? Oh, we're still going. Good thing I type 45 words per 6 seconds. Means I can type all my thoughts without pausing!

0:14-0:17- Okay, I can see this somehow tying into a skateboard commercial, but when do you ever see those? For skateboard video games, yeah. X-games coming up? No...then what?

0:17-0:22- Oh, shit, is Bruce Lee resurrected! No...hopes got up for an awesome, new kung-fu movie. Just some symmetrical karate shit. Don't really see a purpose in advertising for that.

0:22-0:25- FUCK! It's a got-dang cell phone commercial exploiting the dumbest concert-goer technique ever. Lighters = yes. Cell phones = FUCK YOU!

0:25-0:31- Oh, we're still going, and no Verizon or Alltel logo popped up? We may be in the clear. Just Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am. jamming, that's cool.

0:31-0:34- Surfing. Same vein as skateboarding. Don't care. Movin' on!

0:34-0:37- A car commercial. Fanfuckingtastic. It's better than a cell phone ad, though, in the sense that genital warts are better than syphillis.

0:37-0:40- Oh, not that, either? Instead a...graffiti commercial? What? Or, maybe just something about peace? One of those ads with a message? Okay, well, that makes sense with all the past/present tie-ins, I guess.

0:40-0:43- Gumby is not Shrek. Green does not mean similar. Gumby is stretchy and flexible. Shrek is an ogre. Gumby doesn't do constant pop culture references. Shrek does. Not as much as Family Guy, but to the point where the whole "fairy tale" story took a backseat to Eddie Murphy being a jackass. Yes, I meant that in every sense.

0:43-0:48- Did not need to see a guy dancing in a speedo. Really didn't need it. 

0:48-0:53- Go America? Yeah? Still doesn't make sense. Are we trying to weed out the terrorists by finding people who didn't cheer at this ad and sending them to Gitmo?

0:53-0:55- Thank you, Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am.

0:55-1:02- What. WHAT. Come ON! All that (mostly) neat shit for one tiny, minuscule, pointless connection between the ages for PEPSFUCKINGI?! That's it, I'm out. 1 minute of completely worthless buildup to something expectedly cool but apparently ridamndiculous.

No ratings still, because this series is all about already being rated. 

Catch you guys next time, and glad to be back and writing these entries, even if they get me so riled up I want to punch something cute.

C'mere. Pow.

Where's Ian?

Right here, but I'm still taking a bit off. I have plenty of material (feel free to send in your requests, of course, to imadnauseam@gmail.com because your local stuff is probably just as bad as mine), but I'm actually working on a real website for this, in hopes of getting other material on here outside my rants. Better archiving, places to store the online ads I've found, etc.

Anyone with decent internet-knowhow? Hit me up, gimme some advice, all that sorta junk. I need it.

Until then, keep checkin' in, and I'll keep you updated on...um...updates.

Super Bowl's Best/Worst: Part One of Three

Why, oh why did I promise updates three days in a row?

Probably because I already had the ads? 

Today, we begin the top three AND bottom three ads from the '09 Super Bowl. First off, be forewarned: you may not agree with my choices or their places. I have my reasons, and I will do my best to state them, but as far as I remember, this is where I write and where you don't.

Except that one time I gave you guys a chance to voice your own opinions. But most of you failed to do so. Maybe if you did, I would be glad to post your own opinions on the Super Bowl ads (and you can in the comments), but until you learn what "audience participation" is, no soap box for you!

Except those that DID respond. You get privileges.

So, like I said, I will do my best to elaborate why I chose these 6 for best and worst. And we will always start with the "best" list. It's like having desert before dinner, except less fattening. Aw, who am I kidding? This is a calorie-packed blog.

#3 Best: Doh-ree-toes

Why: What's more funny than unexpected vanadalism? Unexpected nut shots. What's even funnier than that? Probably the other two ads I chose to be above this one.

Seriously, though, the action in this commercial came out of nowhere, PLUS I think it was fan written. I'm not sure, and I'm too lazy to look it up, but I'm pretty positive that Doritos had a contest for fan-created ads for the Super Bowl, and these fans did not disappoint.

Also, you may feel bad for the old guy who gets front row seats to The Nutcracker, but how often do you think he uses Lefty and Low Rider? Yeah, yeah, it's not funny to get hit in the nuts. But isn't it funny to watch someone else receive said treatment? Save your sympathy for things that aren't inherently hilarious.

Rewatching it, that initial crash is so jarring. And that makes it awesome. Destruction isn't as cool unless it sounds cool.

And, man, my balls are not a fan of this, but my balls also don't control my sense of humor. If you don't know what they control, then pay attention in health class. Also, no, I did not name my own testicles "Lefty and Low Rider." I assumed the old guy did. You don't get to know. The soap box is not for my duts.

If you don't know what duts are, then you also know I'm usually not this...vulgar? Profane, yes. Nut-discussing vulgar? Notsomuch.

Moving on from that train wreck.

#3 Worst: Cheetos.

Yes, it IS awesome that my #3's have rhyming products. It is also awesome that they are original bright orange. It is not awesome that this one sucks.

"But, Ian," you say, "I thought this one was funny! Why don't you?" 

Well, I was discussing this with my Jewish buddy, and yes, I have to say he's Jewish to just enhance the differences between he and I (Him and me? He and me? I and him and me and he and wheeeeee? Fuck it; don't care), he pointed out that he is "not sure why [the Cheetos] commercials are advocating destructive/antisocial behavior," and I have to agree with him wholeheartedly.

Okay, it started off harmless enough by throwing orange snack foods into a washer with all white. And by "harmless," I mean "fucking annoying and I don't care how someone treats you, you probably shouldn't ruin their whites, asshole...unless it's Hitler...then it's okay." 

Or, perhaps, this Cheetos ad where the guy puts the crunchy (and good even 6 months old, trust me) junkfood all over his coworkers cubicle, and he even crushes one between his Macbook's (or whatever Mac laptop it is) screen and trackpad. To cap it off, this guy appears to not just be a "neat freak," but rather OCD. It's one thing if someone has apparently wronged you, and we never see this guy wrong the Cheeto-eater. 

But the Super Bowl one. Okay, so the chatty woman is a huge bitch and an even bigger stereotype. Does that give Average-Gal a reason to entice pigeons into attacking her? Also, on that note, why the hell are the pigeons actually attacking her? No, I'm not from a big city, so we don't get a bunch of "flying rats" as people seem to call them, so I don't know if this is normal pigeon behavior, but would they really do that?

And what's worse is Chester Cheetah's apparent fetish from antisocial behavior. 

"Yes."

Did that not creep you out? It didn't? Then perhaps his "relationship" with the hooded pigeon at the end did. 

If it didn't, then congratulations, you have found a new way to spread the Bird Flu. Oh, don't play dumb with me, you birdophiliac. And no, I don't know what the actual word would be for someone who sexes up birds, but feel free to Google that. I'm sure you'll feel really good about yourself afterwards.

So, if you happened to enjoy a 30-second, Cheetos-driven version of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds," then you may not appreciate my choice, but this commercial is not funny or fun. I expect to be entertained by Super Bowl ads, and this one did not nondisappoint. It didn't appoint? Whatever, English majors feel free to snicker at me.

And if this is the one I only hated third worst, then what could I have in store for the other two? Probably ones you liked. So come on back tomorrow and Friday to have your tastes called into question!

No ratings, as I'm already rating them 3, 2, and 1. Don't wanna be too redundant several times repeating. 

Tune in tomorrow for the #2 best and worst of the Supah Bowl.

Didn't I just do this?

Alright, so I'm updating late again...but I still blame you slackers, mostly because I can. That, and for all you that read, you are terrible at actually reading.

But, I tire of waiting, so I'll give my own views on the Heineken ad and your own snippets I enjoyed later.

First off, I pose a question: Sometimes, you'll see a commercial, and then later, something is changed in that ad. It doesn't make it short enough to be a time edit, and the removed portion didn't seem offensive enough to warrant being cut, so why does it happen?

Examples: a recent Verizon ad.

Getting really tired of the Verizon guy getting paid so much for so little, but that's not the point. Instead, if you notice at 0:12, there's a line about his not-so-related-uncle not owing him money. In recent showings, this ad removed the "but he doesn't owe me money" and kept the rest of the dialogue. So, I thought, what warranted this? Are Italians known moochers? Doesn't everyone mooch, though, and even so, is that offensive? If the line was "but he's never whacked me," I'd understand. And for any mobster that reads this, I know nothin', so cool your jets, wise guy.

Was that mafiaesque enough?

Another thought that occurred: is our crappy economy related to this, just because a lack of money was implied? If so, are you people fucked up? Would that line be that offensive to those out of work? 

Then, a final thought came to me: cell phone commercials, for the most part, are garbage, so of course they do dumb shit like this.

A more understood example: remember my bitching about Alltel and Herschman? Well, I believe I mentioned that Verizon had bought Alltel (if I didn't, pretend I did). 

Notice someone missing? Is it not who you expected? If that's true, then who the balls did you expect? I just hinted heavily at what would happen.

This commercial, and the one involving a garbage truck hostage situation (that gets resolved very poorly, but I couldn't find it and bitch about it, so fuck that) both had the Verizon redhead in it. As you can see, he's been edited out, or the scenes were reshot. This is an example of logic, and I wish it applied to all ads. But it never will. Not while I'm alive. Companies unintentionally spite me. It's a hunch.

But, that was all meant for you to ponder on. Watch commercials, keep them in your mind, and take note of any that seem to change for little-to-no reason. Cutting one from 30 seconds to 10 is not a "little-to-no reason" but rather super logical, so keep sharp. 

Now, for the real entry. I do wish this one would be cut from 30 to 0 seconds, but we can't all get what we wish for (sorry, Arizona).

Lemme point out one positive within this: the synchronization is spectacular between the Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, and African actors all portraying the same guy.

Now let me point out that I don't have a FUCKING clue what this is all about.

Seriously. The white guy's getting a tailored suit from what I assume is a generally skilled Asian (by the by, if I get these ethnicities wrong, don't mind me. I'm uncultured and uncouth). This I understand. We're on a good, logical path.

And then it goes to hell.

First off, the real guy doesn't seem to notice/care that he has three ethnic reflections. And, if he's used to it, then what does he see when he only has one mirror or reflecting surface at a time? Eskimo? Indian? Merman? If it's the third, then awesome, but still, what the fuck.

Secondly, how come only one of them gets Skittles? Reparations, people!

Yeah, this is where I lock my door before I get beat down. I expect it. Having black friends doesn't mean I can make black jokes. You'd think I would understand this by now, but I apparently haven't.

Thirdly, how's about a language your target audience can understand? Sure, there will be a few who understand whatever language that is (remember: can't point out true ethnicities), but this is an American commercial, where the majority of us speak English. What, you didn't know that? Are you Canadian? 

Oh, you are? Then welcome to an American blog about awful American (and sometimes South African, British, and Japanese) commercials! Thank you for being the clean USA, Canada.

Still, if we knew what they were saying/shouting, maybe this commercial would be better. I'm not betting on it, but hey, everyone deserves a shot, right? No, not you, Herschman. Never you.

But, alas, we know nothing of their shouting match, nor why he has Skittles, or why there are so many versions of this nerdy white guy. 

I do have a clue why he kicks the mirror out. Wait, no, I don't. I don't get ANYTHING in this ad. He kicks it out of anger? Greed? Being a karate master? You keep being stereotypes, and I'll keep being stereotypical.

Man, I'm awful.

Anyway, the thing that bugs the hell out of most would happen to be the tailor's coy laughter at the end. "Oh, it's okay, strange personality traits ALWAYS kick out my mirrors. It just means we're having a sale! A 'I Know Kung Fu' sale. Because I like The Matrix!" This is how my mind travels.

Related, this commercial does have a shorter version, and while it doesn't make much more sense, it DOES take out the entire dialogue between tailor and Bruce Lee. At least we don't have to attempt to decipher the rather pointless argument.

And yes, if you go to the actual Youtube site for this commercial, people "translated" it in the comments. But that's just it: Youtube comments. Take them for what they're good for*.

*Absolutely nothin'. Thanks, Edwin Starr.

Not getting your regular matings*? Then here are your ratings!

*Sexings-ups

-Whitey: No, you're not eating Skittles. Here are 4 Shittles, though. Not as tasty, but they do come in the color Brown. And I come in the color Classy.

-Tailor: Is this like Poltergeist? Did you build your clothing store on top of an Indian burial ground? You did? Then why are Indians one of the few races not represented here? -2 Logic points.

-Mirror guys: You shouldn't exist, so neither do your points.

-MARS Snacks: That's twice you've wronged me with Skittles ads. Make it three and we'll see what happens. It has to do with the phrase "Taste the Rainbow." Except "Rainbow" will stand for "Ramming an icicle near breathing organs, WOW!" It's not catchy, but it will be painful, and that's all I ask.

To make up for my crappy updating, I'll be doing a Super Bowl series Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this week. They should feature two different countdowns: my 3 favorite ads and the 3 worst from this past Super Bowl. We'll start with the 3rd best and worst and work our way from there. Subject to change if I can't find anything to bitch about (hint: I will find many things).

Until then, imadnauseam@gmail.com: because you still haven't.