It really IS the pits! HAW!

Yeah, so I'm still withholding my Heineken rant because three, count 'em, three of you have responded. There are plenty more of you who are just as irritable as I am AND that read this, so why the balls aren't you throwing your hat in the ring, too? 

But I digress. Actually, no, I don't. I'm perfectly on the point, here, people, and that point is that you. Are. Slackers. So step it up and gimme a 5-line rant unless you think it's dumb to do so. And if it is, then why are you reading? And if you say "well, I'm not reading," then you are both dumb for reading AND a liar whose pants may be afire as they possibly hang from nothing else but a telephone wire.

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Email it, people, with a response. If you don't want your name posted, then I won't post your name, and I also won't post your post if I don't like your post. 5 posts. Make it 6. 

But to today's ad(s) of choice! It combines two things men love: sports and sweating.

Except there's no sweating, and the sports are all about still pictures with a moving mouth. Sorry if I spoiled the commercials. 

We start off with the sexy.

For those unfamiliar with Chris Paul, he is steals and assists leader. What does "assist" mean here? It means "to pass the ball to another player, enabling them to score a basket." Wait, what does "basket" mean here? It's where you score in basketball. What's "basketball," you ask? I was going to ask if you were from China, but even they love basketball. Learn to watch sports, nerds. 

Anywho, as you can see here, CP3, as he is known throughout the NBA (Nasketball Bational Association, for all you care if I spell right or not), is not very...active, which is the opposite of how he is on the court. Yes, I want you to watch a basketball game before reading these things.

But, since it's not really Chris Paul, or CP3, we shall let CP3 stand for...um...Crappy Picture...3. Because he's still got the three fingers up? Not all of them are perfect, people, but at least I try (AHEM).

Since I've already kept track of my "post" count (7), might as well point out that the word "sexy," which really should be kept away from commercials focusing on the word "pits" (3), was said 9 times. That's right. Nine sexys, five powers, four perfects, and three pits. No partridge in a pear tree because A) I tire of the "p" alliteration, and B) hey, it might be Chinese New Year, but it's not Chinese Christmas. I don't think there IS a Chinese Christmas, but then again, I don't really care to find out. No offense, China, but I'm not you.

So, ladies, may I ask: do you find CP3 sexy? You do? Is it reeeeeally because of his pits? It is? 

Get the fuck out of my bar. We don't appreciate your pit-lovin' kind around here. 

Michael Jordan had a bunch of great ads, LeBron's ads are also very entertaining (albeit everywhere), and then...this. CorpoPhiliac3 did not make the right choice when selling his image.

Oh, but there's a second one, because just one pits commercial wouldn't do it.

Before you ask: no, they can't even keep the same voice actor for another commercial.  Sure, one's about sexiness (what sexiness?) and this one's about intensity (also curious as to where that may be), but if a vocal actor doesn't have the range to be both sexy AND intense (last I checked, I found them to go hand-in-hand, unless you are that boring in bed, and you may be, and I won't judge you unless you are a commercial, and then that's weird that you're reading this)...I lost my train of thought.

Oh, right! If a voice actor can't be both sexy AND intense, then how the fuck are they acting in anything?

Anywho, to the ad itself. First off, Chris Paul is only 6 foot tall, so yeah, it's possible for him to dunk, and he has dunked, it's more likely that he'd go for the layup, or even a no-look pass (GO WATCH), but it's okay, because he's brought his pits! Fuck the ball, he doesn't need that for a dunk (hint: he does), he's got his pits!

And, of course, if I did have a scratch-n-sniff TV (I do, don't worry), I wouldn't really utilize that feature for basketball.

You would? Didn't I just kick your ass outta my bar a few minutes ago? I'll get the guns. I call them Mr. Fist and Sergeant-at-arms! FLEX.

Fucking-A, I don't care about someone's fucking armpits! Yes, I wear deoderant. Why? Because I want you to avoid smelling mine! And sure, you can say he wants you to smell them because he knows they don't reek, thanks to Right Guard. But you forget that the real Chris Paul isn't C-myPits3, so you also forget that CumPump3 (yeah, I can say that) has an armpit fetish and wants you to "get-on-up-in-'der." You unlucky sonofabitch.

And, thankfully, Right Guard tries to add a nice little tag line at the end. And by "nice," I mean they talk about someone's armpits being cuddly. 

Seriously, people. Cats and dogs can be cuddly. Blankets are cuddly. Anything fluffy, fuzzy, soft, snuggly, etc. can be cuddly. Anything that is usually covered in an intense amount of sweat and is usually found in a crease on your body will more-than-likely not be cuddly. Get those thoughts out of your head.

Ratings and Reekings:

-The real Chris Paul: Thanks for playing great basketball. A triple-double for you. Oh, but make it a double-double because I'm taking away all your assists for selling your image to this. Don't know what I mean by anything-double? WATCH SOME DAMN SPORTS!

-CunnilingusPor3 (a menage-a-suck, if you will): I give you 1 pit point. You may redeem it by getting a better fetish. Granted, I don't want to know about it, so use it discretely. If I see an ad about your arousal toward humping light bulb fixtures, our friendship is over. Of course, it never began, but still.

-Right Guard: You are the wrong guard. See what I did there? See how you also don't get any points? Yep.

Catch you Friday. And I better catch you responding to the DIY post.

Slackers!

So you guys are terrible at actually reading what I asked you to do.

So, for that, I shan't write today's entry!

Well, rather, I'm recovering from a drink-laden weekend, but I really do want you people to respond to the DIY post. If you feel shy and that it's embarassing to do what I do (thanks a lot, jerks), then post it as Anonymous. 

I also won't say who it was if you email me and I see your real name and would rather not have your name attached, but 2 posts is not enough posts. So hop to it!

imadnauseam@gmail.com or just comment on the DIY post and be me. Or be you. Just be mad. Or if you like it, be happy, yet misguided.

DIY!

As much as I love bitching at/toward/near you people about bad advertising, I figured I'd try something different, a once-a-month deal. I'm going to let YOU give me a 5-sentence description in my comments OR email me at imadnauseam@gmail.com and I will post my favorite 3 on Monday along with my regular post.

No, this isn't me being lazy. Trust me, I have enough to say about this ad, and I may just make it my Monday massacre, but for now, I want to get your thoughts.

Also, if you don't comment? Yeah, I'm-a hate you. And this will end up being a boring idea when it's rather awesome. Why? Because I made it and you love it.

Anywho, let's see what you got.

So if you read this, gimme your own 5-sentence rant in the comments, email me, IM me, whatever you kids do nowadays, and I will choose my favorite 3 for Monday. Don't work too blue, and keep it clever.

Or just be mad. It's how I do my thing.

DO IT!

Whatsurance?

Hello, you fantastic people. How are you today? Isn't it lovely out? Sure, it may be cold, but is the snow not glorious? Even though the birds are away, can't you hear them chirping anyway?

You know why I'm happy and you should be, too. If you're not, then poop on you, spoilsport. Let us have our fun.

But, business is business, and I'm not paid to talk nice about things. I'm also not paid. Therein lies the question: why do I do this? 

Answer is simple: I'm pretty awesome. Do you disagree? Go ahead and write an Anti-Ian blog. Just make sure to link here and say how stupid this place is so people can come and read and give me more hits and get hooked make me feel bad about myself.

So what's on the board for today's "discussion?" Esurance. Now, I know you probably have an idea on what services Esurance offers. Let me show you these ads and see if you don't change your mind. 

One!

Alright, class, from evidence here, what would you say Esurance does?

Did someone say they offer auto insurance quotes, and a quick-and-easy way to find them? Oh, I'm sorry. I want an answer from the overwhelming evidence in the commercial, and I fail to see one car in this ad.

What, you say? There are robots? Yes, but do cars play basketball? No. Did they in the movie Cars? I don't know. Didn't see it. It was a movie about living cars. Not exactly fantastic viewing, and one of Pixar's worst ideas. Fish? Yes. Toys? Awesome. Cars? Fuck you.

The correct answer on Esurance's offers could've been any of the following: basketball camp with robotic trainers, a referee abuse support group, an attempt to make the WNBA look good, a class on awful puns, a trailer for a Charlie's Angels sequel, or a razor specifically made to shave your facial hair and form a pornostache. Any of these would've been acceptable. 

But you either listened to what they said or checked their website. Unfortunately, a lot of people are visual learners, and while the services they appear to offer are mostly awesome (sorry, can't grow my own pornostache), they obviously have nothing to do with cars or insurance.

But, hey, maybe the next one will help!

A-two?

Alright, class, let's see if you learned anything from the last question. 

NO. It's NOT about auto insurance. Yes, I heard the guy reading about such protection from the dictionary. He even called it a "dictionary of auto insurance terms." What regular dictionary is that big, much less one narrowed down to only that vocabulary? No, it's obviously just a cover for the commercial's true intentions.

What should've been your immediate reaction: a new film starring a hot cartoon chick and a stuck up, real life guy. Who Framed Jessica Rabbit?, perhaps? Also, more pun lessons.

Like I said: visual. I want to see cars. Safe Auto usually has them, Geico...well, we already ripped them apart, didn't we? 

No, no, no, don't read back. You may see something along the lines of me saying I like other Geico ads, i.e. with the cavemen or Geico gecko. You'd just be hallucinating, trust me. Just take my word today, shall we? We shall.

We shalln't? Aw...

Still, we're trying to learn what these commercials provide via the evidence from them, and talk is cheap. More cars.

A-three! KRNSCH. A-three.

Last chance, pupils. This question only has one possible answer. What is Esurance--wait, scratch that. What did Unsurance (this is where you sit in awe at my cleveritude) showcase this round?

NO. NOT AUTO INSURANCE COVERAGE. Close, though.

They DO offer insurance, but only to flying machines powered by hippie music and with the ability to grow grass on oil drills.

Yes, people, in reality, Unsurance is an eco-friendly insurance provider. I don't know what being eco-friendly has to do with the insurance so much as the cars themselves, but hey, who's arguing?

I am. Me. This guy. I am doing the arguing.

To be fair, I don't hate these ads. I do find them visually captivating. I just find them actually uninformative. I don't care if some dusty ol' faux British guy recites the definition, I want to see car damage in action. Don't want anyone hurt (except for Herschman), but I want some indication on what the commercials are for. What if I was deaf, and these commercials didn't provide closed captioning? And then what if I didn't have the internet so I couldn't look it up online?

Wait. Can the deaf drive? And, if they can, can the internetless drive? I'd think you couldn't do anything until you learned to have the internet. It's a crime to be without auto insurance (yeah, these commercials are illegal, so keep it on the down low...low down? Which one?), and it's a crime to be sans-interwubs.

If you want quick and easy ratings, just go to http://www.unsurance.com and click on the "This Site Doesn't Exist" button.

Dumbability: Is it the ability to be dumb? We'll find out!

Remember when I said I'd update on the weekend? Good. Then remember when I lied about it because this is going up Monday? You do now.

Yeah, so I skipped the "real" update, but from what I gather, you liked Friday's quickie, so I slacked off a bit and got my anger all pent up for today.

And what better to dive into but a Bud Light commercial, but before we do, think about the Budweiser commercials you've seen. The Budweiser frogs, the Budweiser Clydesdales (horses, smartie), Whazzaup, Real Men of Genius, etc. All good ads, right? Memorable, funny, and usually they show up during the Superbowl, which is kinda neat. 

Speaking of which, prepare for me to rip apart bad Superbowl ads. Those are just uncalled for.

But then...

...there's Bud Light. Light on calories, light on entertainment.

Let's be fair; the map thing is pretty cool and could've been used for shloads of funny. Instead, it was used for anything but.

Let's look at the "facts" of this commercial, shall we?

41% of the people polled (hint: I don't think they polled anyone, much less the people on the set) thought "drinkability" meant "the ability to drink." Got that?

26% thought it meant "easy to swallow." Candle wax seems like it'd be easy to swallow. Is it drinkable? We'll get to that in a second.

One guy in Boston. That's a percent now, right? Every single opinion should be listed on this poll, correct? Fuckin' A, people. Yeah, they tried to be funny with that one, but they didn't really succeed. At all.

So, from those "facts," we get the answers from 67andoneguy%. The other 22andnineguys% either had no opinion, or, like me, had a very strong statement against dumb shit like this. I was a oneguy%.

So, Anheuser-Busch, what does it mean? "Just the right taste."

Hold up, lemme just check the Merriam-Webster site...

Yeah, you're right, Bud Light. You are spot fuckin' on.

Or, let's just copy and paste the actual entry right here:

Main Entry:

¹drink·able 

Pronunciation:

\ˈdriŋ-kə-bəl\

Function:

adjective

Date:

1611

: suitable or safe for drinking

— drink·abil·i·ty \ˌdriŋ-kə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun

So, what we've learned here is that Bud Light's been defining things wrong since 2008, while actual dictionaries are awesome. Also, no, candle wax may be able to be swallowed, but, according to M-W, it isn't exactly "drinkable" or doesn't have "drinkability." I did thing it had just the right taste, though. I would also recommend Bleach the ad geniuses at Bud Light, as I believe they'd find it has just the right taste.

At least Captain Caughtoffguard (who never asked what drinkability meant, Sergeant Fuckstick, but thanks for giving him the wrong answer so he'll fail his vocab exam tomorrow) is right on the map. It is a nice map. But why does someone who doesn't deserve nice things have it?

Feel free to note Lieutenant Disinterested on the couch to your right, as he's just there to get drunk and is sick of all these English lessons.

And thanks, Lt. FS, as being the worst wingman ever. Last I checked, friends don't let other friends cockblock when hot women are involved. Beer goggle worthy women, sure, but not hot ones, and I'm not drunk right now, so I can tell you, without a doubt, that the side of that lady is smokin'.

Oh, be quiet, girls, you feel the same way about us guys and waking up next to one after a night of partying. Everyone gets a walk of shame.

Also, how do I know that Lt. Fuckstick ruined everything with his dumbass "bunny ears" move? Because that girl is anti-furry. She knows the ins-and-outs of the interweb, and she is not down with Peter Cottontail. Doesn't rhyme, but works.

But wait! Here's more!

We get yet another wrong definition! Yaaaay! Well, wrong unless the definition changed since last I checked the site.

Nope, still the same. 

Yeah, still the same now, too.

"Drinkability" does NOT mean being a light drink. That's why you're "Bud Light" and not "Budrinkable." Though that's an awesome name. Feel free to use that, Anheuser-Busch, but I expect royalties. And only if you read up on what words mean once in a while.

But that's not even my biggest problem this time. Maybe the fact that this guy says baba ghanoush is her personal favorite festival food and then goes on to say, not 3 fucking seconds later, that he has no idea what it is and, in fact, likes it because it sounds cool. I hope he's allergic to eggplant.

Baba ghanoush is made of eggplant. There's the punchline. 

Okay, so the last little bit made me chuckle the first time I saw, and I hate to admit it, BUT! Ever since then, I've loathed that guy in his Panama hat. I think that's a Panama hat. I don't wear anything but a Kangol hat, so sue me for being stylish and pretending I'm Samuel L. Jackson.

This is all just disappointing because, like I said, Budweiser makes awesome ads for TV, radio, and print, but Anheuser-Busch really skimps on ads for its other beverages. Oh, it also really skimps on making beer that tastes good. Sorry, Budweiser, but you may be cheap, but you also suck pretty bad. I'll stick with Keystone for my cheap beer. Probably because it goes down smooth. That means it has drinkability, people.

No, it doesn't. That was a test. You failed!

Ratings are not necessary, as I don't think Bud Light knows what "rating*" means. 

*Main Entry: rating

Function:

noun

Date:

2009

1. The just-right sound that occurs when you twist off the cap of a cool, refreshing Bud Light.

2. The satisfaction stemming from crushing a can of Bud Light after finishing it off before your manly friends, thus propelling yourself to the spot of Alpha Male.

One with a deep message

So, I looked deep and hard (gutter-minded, enjoy) for a good/bad commercial for today, and I found a good one. 

Let's dive right in.

So what did we learn from all of this?

Well, besides Charles Barkley was pretty funny pre-DUI (look up the story, but, in a nutshell, it's because he was speeding to get to this girl that he found had certain talents stemming from her pie hole, though feel free to replace "pie" with another "p" word, and there you've got it), he really wants 'dem socks.

Well, I can relate.

GIMME 'DAT PUPPET!

Real update on the weekend.

Legend of Zelda: Commercials to the Past

Yes, you completely read that right. I am reviewing near 4 minutes of Legend of Zelda commercials, and you have to watch and read.

Oh, what's that? You're trying to go to a different site? Sorry, can't let you do that. Attempting to close your browser? Nope, not permitted. Ctrl-alt-delete will not save you now.

Of course, you could do any of those, but then you're just a dick. Don't be a dick. Be a dude.

I'm doing this not because they're good or bad, but because 3/4 of them (yes, four Zelda commercials) are Japanese, which makes them both extremes at the same time.

Whenever I marry, I expect my wife to dress as Zelda at least once. She will get diamonds afterwards, I promise, but everyone has their fantasies and wishes. Mine just happens to be way too nerdy to admit to the public. Well, guess what? Admitted. Public'd. This is how I do.

Is it wrong of me to show you these instead of relevant ads? No. Is it right of me, then? No. It is left of me. Left-handed, that is. Because Link is left-handed. He's a southpaw.

Shut up. Let's just do this.

FIRST we have Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening.

Did you see those eyes?! He can make the X-dead eyes! 

Get me that puppet. Screw the rest of the ad. Did you understand the story? No? I don't care. Get me that damn puppet.

Did you get it for me yet? No?! What the hell, guys?! Watch the commercial again. Do you see the Link puppet? Did you see him spin-slash? Did you see the X-eyes?! GET ME THAT PUPPET!

Moving on!

SECOND we see Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventure, which was a game meant for 4 people to play and enjoy, using teamwork, different weapons, and apparent color coordination to succeed. Or you could play it by yourself if you're a jerk.

Oh, and if you didn't notice in the commercial, any time you open a treasure chest, feel free to murder your companions and hoard it for yourself. That's how we all feel, I understand. One minute, stab each other. The next? Slay a monster as a team. Immediately following, please stab each other again. It's a fun cycle.

"Yatta" means "I did it!," I believe, but I learned that from Heroes, so don't take my word for it since I took my word for a series that needs to get back to being good. You read me, Tim Kring. Fix.

So, yeah, the little song the Links sing is cute, the puppetry (GET ME THAT FUCKING PUPPET) was neat, and then there was more Japanese, but it's okay, because cute songs, puppets, and stabbing each other is the Japanese craze, right? Japacraze? Awesome.

You also get the subject of our THIRD commercial with Four Swords, which is arguably the best Zelda game ever, Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. No, this isn't going to be a gaming blog, I just want to indulge myself in something fantastic once in a while, thanks for asking.

But this commercial...this takes the cake. I mean, what's better than starting off with Link and a bunch of the lesser-known Zelda characters leading us with a dance video, albeit difficult dancing (I don't dance, and I now blame the Japanese for it), while Zelda herself sultries it up in a cage? Not much, unless that dancing leads into fighting.

Of course it does.

Oh. Oh, no. Wait. Does Zelda have a manvoice? Is this like classic Shakespeare where the men play all parts? Oh, no. Oh, man. That hurts, Japan. That really hurts. You have ruined a lot in a little amount of time.

But it works out, right? Link does pull out the Master Sword and fends off his former dance buddies. Also, get me that sword. Wait, I already have it? Good. Nerdwish complete.

But then Ganon shows up. For those not in-the-know, Ganon(dorf) is the Big Bad of the Zelda series more often than not. You can also get me that massive Ganon puppet and I promise* I won't force ridiculously terrible ads on you anymore.

*Crossing my fingers AND toes.

Though, the scene following his entrance intrigues me. I mean, you usually get a sword or special arrows or a magic shield or anything you can wield that's made of gold/silver/mirrorness that beats Ganon, right? When did they use the power of dance to defeat him? Did I miss that game? Do they have a Zelda DDR? If they do, I will begin weeping...now. Oh, not for joy, but for pure terror and despair.

And this allows us to leave the Land of the Rising Sun for the FOURTH commercial, straight from England.

Whoa. Deep voice. Did they hire Don LaFontaine (look it up) for this commercial? If they did, good call. If he's dead, bad call.

He's dead. Sucks for us.

Okay, let me try to set this up. We have Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, which uses a cartoon-graphics style (cel-shading, hipsters) instead of the more realistic approach from the two previous games (Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask). Lots of people threw a world-class hissy fit about this, but the game is a shload of fun, and those people soon shut up and were sent to their corners to wear the dunce hat. Fuckwits.

Now, imagine a very cartoony-looking game, which has many elements of humor strewn about, being portrayed as a drama. Wait. Stop imagining and watch.

Well, we do have a Dinghy jumping a barrel, running along the beach, attacking grass, moving a block, and aerial assaulting some wood. Spell it out, people, because that's what's being delivered here.

Also crawling, rupees, ridiculously sounding birds, wide-eyed lava reactions, and blocking?! YES! SO INTENSE!

Well, Gohma, that big skeleton bug looking sucker, does seem to be making me shit my pants. Figuratively, of course. 

Wait, "figuratively" means I actually did it, right? Oh...well, whichever word means it actually happened. Use that one.

Ratings!

-Four Links: Though you are supremely awesome, I will only award you 1 point. See who earns it.

-So you think you can Danceaneses: 50 points for your dance moves and special effects for a Super Nintendo commercial. -10 points from Gryffindor that you can earn back when you make Zelda a girl. Seriously, what the fuck, Japan? Geez!

-Dramatic Voiceover Guy: Movie previews not paying you enough? Figured you'd branch out into a much deeper art form, I take it. 100 posthumous points if you are Don LaFontaine. -100 if you're lying, you liar.

-GET ME THAT MOTHERFUCKING PUPPET.

That is all.

Weeeeeeeeird

Okay, so I'm in a strange mood. I'm not really pissed off enough to properly tear into a commercial I hate, nor am I content enough to praise one I enjoy.

So you get a hybrid.

Get it?

You don't?

Oh, that's because it's a car commercial NOT ABOUT THE CAR.

And yes, there IS a car, and you assume the message is that because the pet is a hybrid pet, and a creepy lookin' dogfish at that, that the car would ALSO be a hybrid, but no mention of that anywhere. Can't find it in the commercial. Can't find it on the interweb. Can't. Find. It.

Wouldn't that have made sense? Should I give up on the logic now?

But the commercial's kinda neat in its own right. I mean, considering we all know how wet dog smells, and that fish reek, and then you combine both aspects and keep it as a pet. If you love that odor, then hey, more power to you! If you don't? Then you're pretty normal, and more power to you.

Maybe if the dog didn't look like the failed mutant experiment done onto the senator by Magneto in the first X-men movie (obscurish pop culture reference: check), then it would be even cooler to have. Then again, it's fake, so that's a damper on our plans.

So, going through the commercial itself, I don't have any real qualms with it, outside not having a clue what the guy says, if anything. It isn't an American commercial (at least not North American), so there's an excuse. I totally get what the dog's saying, though, so we're good there. I take it dogs don't really have that language barrier per country. Per species, sure, but not country.

He runs, he swims, he slobbers on the ball that's in his owner's mouth, he pees in the ocean (who doesn't? Gross), he chases a cat, the cat chases him (yeah, I laughed out loud at that part [I LOL'd, considering you people only understand webcronyms]), and he gets caught in a net. All the normal activities of your everyday dogfish.

Stop telling me it's not real! I want to belieeeeeeeeeve!

Actually, I wanted to point out that "fishing" part. I particularly enjoyed this commercial and didn't see any deeper message. If you want to put a deep message in a commercial, it'd be a PSA, and it would be very preachy for a car commercial (unless it was about pollution, but it's not here). 

But, lo and behold, if you go to the actual Youtube page where this video is hosted, you can find yourself among comments like "Why does this commercial make my (Snickers)* hard" and "Before I die, I'm gonna (have an enjoyable afternoon at the ballpark with)^ a dogfish." ~

*Because you put it in the freezer.

^Good for you! That's a good goal.

~Not the real words, but hey, even I'm not that vulgar. Or am I? Nope.

But besides those lovely Youtube comments (internet oxymoron: check), you can find ones that fight for fish rights. Yes, questions that plague our existence. Would we stick a hook in a dog's mouth like we do with fish? I mean, if we don't fish for dogs, why would we fish for fish? Because that's what the word's for and how a lot of people made their living back in the day, or perhaps just how they ate that night? 

Sorry. I forgot where I was and tried the "sense" thing again.

Nope, no deeper message, folks, but it would've been awesome, as I said before, if this was a hybrid car, but it's not. It's a hybrid pet. Not a hybrid car. It's a Spacefox.

Wait, wouldn't that be an awesome commercial? A fox in space? Oh...yeah...that dog, Laika. Whoops. Same idea, sadder outcome. Stupid Cosmonauts.

Maybe...a foxy woman in space...selling cars? Yes. Volkswagen, go for it. I'll be waiting.

Ratings time, ratings time, ratings time makes me feel so fiiiine!

-Dogfish: Not quite Catdog's (semi-tolerable cartoon reference: check) sense of conflict, but hey, neat! 3 Wormbones for you. Who's a good, nonexistent boy? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

-Surfer Dude: I'm taking your pet. 2 guinea pigs to recover from the loss. You'll get a new dogfish someday. When they become real, of course.

-Fisherman: 4 contracts from China to catch more dogfish for them. Does China really put dog in their food? If so, then my statement stands. If not, then I bring stereotypes to the table, and you read them, and you probably nodded when I said it, too. You racist.

-Youtube: 1 screening process. It would be good for all of us, I promise.

Remember, hit me up at imadnauseam@gmail.com if you have any requests. I want your bad commercials. Well, "want" is the wrong word. But you know what I mean.

Also, if you enjoy reading this shlock, spread the word. Leave the comments. Throw the rotten vegetables. I don't care, just lemme know if you're out there, people, for fuck's sake!

(Going through the entire thing without one F-bomb: check)

(Wait, what? I did? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me.)

Come on, Youtube

Head's up: if you find any links not working, feel free to email me at

imadnauseam@gmail.com

Yeah, I made an email specifically for this. I'm that dedicated.

Also, use it to email me any requests you have. If you have a local commercial that makes you cringe? Hit me up with a link, or even just send me the company's name and a description and I'll do my best to hunt it down. The worse, the better.

Thanks (or no thanks, if you're a jerk)!

It's not fast food, It's tasty.

That would be a better tagline, in my opinion. Thankfully my opinion is all you get here.

Wendy's: tasty, cheap, and their chicken sandwiches are even better than elementary school chicken patties. I know! I was surprised the first time I had one of theirs, too, and I realized that I would never have a normal "hot lunch" again. 

Is "hot lunch" a sexual tactic? If it is, I'm sorry.

Just Googled that, and I continue to be sorry. Then again, would you rather have a spicy chicken sandwich or a "hot lunch" today? Exactly.

Wait, is "spicy chicken sandwich" a sexual tactic? If it is, then what the fuck is wrong with people? And why do I expect half of you to come up with what it could be?

You people are what's wrong with the fast food industry. Wait. No. These commercials are. And the awful things fast food does to your body. And pretty much everything but Wendy's and sometimes BK. 

Alright, successfully tossed off track and re-track'd. We've got a value menu of Wendy's commercials for you. Yes, you can watch these commercials for cheap and they won't fill you up at all, and some of them may make you sick if you overindulge.

Movin' on.

Why.

Why?!

WHY?!

WHY THE F--actually, I like this one.

But it was banned.

FUCK.

So we have three sub par Wendy's commercials and one good one (that no one gets to see because it's too awesome for your eyes). 

We go in reverse chronological order!

Numero 1) Starting us off, I know you've had to have been forced to watch these in the middle of pretty much anything you watch, and yes, the entire series with these guys is awful, but what can spice up a commercial? An ethnicity portrayed a completely different ethnic group? Did it work? 

NO! You knew it wouldn't. Little can save an awful ad campaign unless you kill off the characters, which would get the commercial banned, and subsequently I would enjoy it. It's the circle of suck, people.

Why did I choose this one out of the several that plague our TV airwaves? Because it's short. Of course, we all know short things can be awful. Hell, Randy Newman put that in a song. He was also a dick. Well, so am I, but my voice isn't as funny. 

Actually, go ahead and pretend the rest of this is read by Randy Newman, see if that doesn't give you a perspective on how ricockulous this all is.

But, yeah, even short commercials can bring about stabbing pains. Meaning either the pains are so sharp from the awfulness of it all, or you will want to stab yourself, preferably in your eyes or ears to never have to deal with all this again*.

*Don't stab yourselves over a commercial. Just punch a random passerby. Share the pain.

Look at that ad! Even the guys that normally taint our television are awkwarded out. It's not acting, people. There is no other reaction you can give that Annoysian (think about it, and it's meant toward him, not the rest of you, who I like despite your mathematics genius and your love for cameras [two stereotypes for the price of one, on the house]) than to be disgusted. 

You dry-heaved when you watched it, didn't you? I did.

Number the 2) brings us what was supposed to kick off a brand new style of Wendy's commercials. I remember reading in the newspaper they had filmed a bunch in the same way, the stupid Wendy's wig, blah blah don't give a fuck. The newspaper also claimed it was Wendy's trying to reinvent its advertising, attempting to bring a new level of humor to their ads.

It. Didn't. Work.

I get it. People kicking trees? Yeah, it represents everyone going to other fast food places because "everyone's doing it." You can hear your parents saying "if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" And I ask "did I just force myself to watch awful advertising to try to entertain/annoy people?" And then I jump.

But it's only a 1 foot high bridge, so I'm okay. Lucky you!

Explain to me why a frozen burger would end up dry. When you unfreeze a burger, does it not get wet when you grill it again? Isn't "frozen" usually related to "ice" which is made from "water" or am I making too much sense?

Sure, there's probably more to it, but I'm not here to agree with TV.

If this guy can tear a phonebook in half with his bare hands, and if he can not copy Will Ferrel when he "acts," then yeah, maybe I'll buy into this. But he can't stop lying or copying, so I'm out.

Number 3 for me) is the most unrealistic one of all.

First off, let me say that I understand the point of this. I know that Wendy's is saying their breakfast is better than what's presented before this guy.

But, also let me say my scenario is better. It always is.

So we've got this guy on a beach with a hot librarian. Note again that this is a beach, and if you can go to the beach and find a hot librarian, this is going to be a good day.

But! She also transforms into a blonde.

Wait. Three blondes! You may not be man enough, but you better give it a fucking shot! Heh, fucking. Pun'd.

But nope. You skip out on it for a Wendy's breakfast. What would've been better? Maybe, I dunno, getting your foursome on with Magic Chick(s) and then getting breakfast with them? Or without, your call, as long as you do the deed.

What, it's a dream? Well, fuck that. Minus the guy...uh...vacuuming the ocean, I didn't even realize it was all supposed to be a dream. Can't Wendy's give the guy a break and make it a reality? 1-3 hot women who want a normal guy and top it off with a bacon sammich? 

So, yeah, I guess I don't hate this one for it's awful situations or bad acting, but rather because you screwed the guy over by not screwing him over and over and over!

But, 4thly) the good commercial that was BANNED. The FCC does ruin a lot of things, but does it have to take away good ads? Apparently.

I don't really have much to say about it. It's funny, and I like it. They also bring in a stereotypical Indian (no, I don't think they all drive cabs or work in 7-11s, but rather that they are all doctors...real life references, people) to administer this test. 

And then fatty goes boom. Hurray!

So I guess I do have a...beef...with this commercial! Yes! Two puns!

Yeah, but my complaint is more about the censorship. I take it that Wendy's isn't allowed to go the Morgan Spurlock route and show fast food kills people? Even if it's with an explosion and not organ failure? 

Nope, explosion's too real. Three of my friends have gone that way after enjoying some spicy Wendy's. Those poor bastards never got to...to eat their Frosties!!! Bwaaaah-haaaaa!!

Yeah, melodrama OVER.

So, the lesson today, kiddies, is the lesson I give every time: commercials suck, and when they don't, you won't see them. 

Except sometimes. 

Ratings, in viewed order: fail, fail, fasianail, Will Ferrail, fail, HOTHOTHOTHOT, and win-win.

Catch you when I feel like it.

(Two things: assholes took the first commercial off on the one I had embedded, so I had to give you one with an Adult Swim bit at the beginning. Secondly, yes, he's in The Dark Knight, but he also made this. Bad > Good here.)

I type it louder

As stated before, I'm a Clevelander, and I love my Cleveland sports teams, even if they are generally awful (yes, I know I wasn't alive/into sports during The Catch, The Fumble, The Shot, The Drive, and Red Right 88, but it's in my blood, damnit!), but I felt a little crappy when Progressive Insurance bought the naming rights for Jacobs Field, where the Cleveland Indians play.

Sure, the Cavs' "Richfield Coliseum" became "Gund Arena" and then "Quicken Loans Arena," but at least they call that last one "The Q." The Indians' "Progressive Field" just sounds like every other sponsored stadium. Couldn't call it Pro Field? Too corny? Fuck you, I like it. And it's not like the Indians progressed at all once the stadium was named that. Shit.

But it wasn't just that name that bothered me. Soon after Jacobs Field was renamed (as I will continue to call it that and not it's new moniker), new Progressive.com commercials started popping up. Past ones had Ryan Stiles, and I do like funny people, so maybe these guys would be good. Hell, if Safe Auto can come up with their catchy jingle and Geico can be generally funny (fuck you, Fuckwad), then Progressive can keep up with them, right?

WRONG. You should've learned that by now.

Also, feel free to note that the video quality is the same the ad's quality.

So this is what the internet looks like? All white and clean? Has this person ever been on the interwebs?

Okay, I get it, the commercial is showing that Progressive.com is a safe, easy way to shop for insurance online, so they have to spiff up what we encounter every day. So no LOLs, no porn (shit!), and no flaming. Not realistic, but hey, they want to make a good name for themselves.

And holy shit, 350 dollars! Isn't that supposed to be their average projected savings by every customer who switches to Progressive, or that's at least what they want to portray, right? So if everyone that comes into that storeternet pretty much gets that savings, they all get that annoying voice congratulating them over the PA? Balls to that.

But look on the bright side! Super savings and bonuses! Concierge claim service, local response claims service, 24/7 live support, and probably a Trojan because you can't go on a website without fucking up your hard drive somehow. Oh, you can expect some spyware, too, so Progressive can see when you search other insurance sites and then mess your stuff up. They don't take kindly to browsers.

Clarification: people who browse for other insurance. But, hey...that works for internet browsers, too! Take note of my apparent wittiness.

And of course Mr. Guy's all excited. Even a "wow!" escapes his lips. But then that annoying hipster chick has to say it louder. Whitey keepin' the brothas down, right? 

Oh, I can't say that? Oh, yeah, I'm white, too. Whoops.

So apparently there IS flaming in this commercial. Doing something on the internet and then someone trying to do better in a passive-aggressive manner. That's what I want from my insurance reps is cockiness. Especially from a woman who ate a red popsicle or went down on Clifford, depending on how awful you want it to be. I like to provide you with options.

Another example? Why, I'm glad you asked!

Same idea. Same $350. But this guy doesn't get his savings broadcast to the rest of the apathetic intershop. Lucky jerk.

Also, same oneupmanship. A guy celebrates with a noise maker? Sure, it's the New Year, and he just saved decent bucks on insurance? Wait, what's that? Some dumb bitch has to play her noise maker louder and pretend it's a song that she wrote? What creativity! That will surely bring in more customers with our annoying, braggart sense of advertising! Huzzah!

You can tell that hipster chick went to Julliard and majored in Sucking At Music. I was going to go with "Blowing At Music" but that's how a lot of instruments are played. There's your nugget of knowledge for the day. Use it tomorrow at work and impress your water cooler friends. Or your fry station friends. I'm no judge. If I were, that would be awesome, but no.

Late breaking realization! Her name's Flo! That sucks! Sorry to all Flo-fans out there, but hey, gotta stick with my gut.

Auld Lang Ratings.

-Mr. Guy: Hey, congrats on your generic insurance purchase and saving $350. Maybe you can get a bit more from suing Progressive for being treated like an idiot by personnel. 350 lawyer points to help you out there.

-Mr. New Year's Guy: Hope you enjoyed your new insurance, too, and your subsequent party with a surly attitude after dealing with Flo. 350 drinking points. You'll need them.

-Flo: Your lipstick does not deter attention away from your split-ends and everything else. I bet you're actually a cool person in real life, but yeah, stop doing what you do. 350 new job points. Use them. NOW.

That's it until Friday. We'll see how the mood goes. You might get something generally enjoyable to watch, which means someone less angry to read, when means less entertaining, but still! Git!

BK vs. Fuckwad: The Redux

Through all the blogs...

All the internet you've ever seen...

Nothing has ever been so mind-blowingly intense...

So...mind-numbingly DRAMATIC...

Until the most intense, dramatic, bloggy, internetful post...yet to come...

UNTIL NOW!

Just like how ER advertises every episode is the most intense episode yet, I figured I'd give you a dose on what bad advertising is like, even plugging TV shows.

Wait, I do that all the time? Well why the hell didn't you tell me before? I figured this was for all my private feelings and secret crushes and flowery dreams. 

Well, thanks for the notice now, asshole.

Anyway, one week later, here's the continuation and conclusion of The Battle of the Creepy!

This week, we will start with The King, who fell behind on his last attempt. Let's see if he can up the ante.

Unh-tss-unh-tss-unh-tss-unh-tss.

Have I properly shifted the mood to sexy? Yeah, I did.

So you're in a British strip club, sitting there and expecting some woman with Caesarean scars and enough cellulite that you believe they had to have bathed in cottage cheese before gettin' on the pole, BUT WAIT!

It's The King to the rescue*!

*Horror. To the horror, yes.

So instead of expecting to see some hot 'n sexy meat, you get hot 'n sexy meat. But this one you can touch! Plus, it'll give you good taste AND a heart attack instead of an erection you can't satisfy.

Well, okay, maybe you can have the erection still, your call.

So, is it creepy? A bit. Shocking, definitely. A bit disturbing, of course. But still, you have The King giving you a show with a single tassel (you know where it stems from, you sicko). But what do you get beforehand? A triple bacon burger. Best strip club visit ever? 

Yes. Oh, God, yes.

But just creepy enough to overtake Fuckwad. I know I had a different name for him before, but I don't remember what it was and Fuckwad fits so much better, don't you think? Yep, you do.

Can even the scrappy newcomer take top creeper from a well-established peeping Tom?

If you don't say "Yes, that's the creepiest fucking pile of money I've ever seen," then you have to introduce me to your stack of Benjamins some other time.

Sure, we last saw Fuckwad at a restaurant eyeballing your woman/you, but this time, he found out where you work. And no, he didn't decide to just see what floor your office was on and visit, telling your secretary that you were related (you have the same eyes). Nope, he got on a scaffold and found your meeting room 20 stories up.

How the hell did he know where you worked, and how the fuck did he know you were having a meeting, or did he just expect a chance encounter? Whatever it was, it worked. And you can't exactly go to the cops and ask for a restraining order against money, can you? That'd put you in the poor house!

Get it?

But it's that combination of Fuckwad's piercing gaze and that techno music you know he'd play once he tied you up and put on his leather money clip because he's got that kind of fetish. He would get his ink all over you and make you check out his watermark. That sick son-of-a-dollar.

So, yes, he's creepy as shit, but The King's got a backup plan! Video games!

Yes, The King made a trio of video games that BK gave out for a small amount of money a while back. Nothing better* than advertising through gaming.

*worse

No, I never bought them because A) I didn't have an Xbox at the time and B) Seriously, I would never buy a game based off a fast food franchise. Now, cola company? Sure, I played that 7up game and it was AWESOME, but fast food's just too low on the...food...chain? Heeeee!

But...wait, what's that?!

Oh, fuck, no!! It's a poor Photoshop attempt!! FUCK! AHH!!! RUN!!!!!

Or, rather, it's Fuckwad on your tail, King! FUCK! AHH!!! RUN!!!!!

Yeah, imagine getting that for your birthday. Then ask your parents if they can look you in the eye and say they love you. Nightmare-inducing games may be popular, but do you really want one that'll keep you up for days, maybe weeks? Those eyes...melting your brain. I shudder at the thought.

So, the contest is over because I've done my fair share of bitching for the day.

The winner, you say?

No one won here. It was truly a bloodbath of not-so-epic proportions. But who's creepier?

Fuckwad. He is a fuckwad creepier and...a fuckwad of money. What do you want from me? 

Seriously, leave me be, or I will glue googly-eyes to a stack of fives and leave it on your windowsill. You may say "Awesome, free money!" But then you will see those eyes. 

And that's all you will know from then on.

Peace, jerks!

New Year, Same Old Marc Norton

Yeah, so instead of learning to use Photoshop so I could do what I wanted for the continuation of Monday's battle royale, I drank.

A lot.

So Norton Friday it is! 

Also, Happy New Year. Personally, until we get cloud cities and Jetsons/Futurama transport tubes, every year is just the same as the last. I'm sure that joke has been done before, but here I am without a fuck to give. And there's your first f-bomb on here for the new year. Movin' on.

I had never actually seen this one until about 5 minutes ago when I went hunting for Norton classics. I then truly realized that, despite having seen scores of his commercials, there are many more festering on the internet and I'm sure he's still rolling. It would be a damn shame to take the money he's put into these dozens of commercials he's made in 1-2 years and pool it into, I dunno, one really good commercial?

Too much to ask, I know.

First thing you notice? That guy's Wolverine haircut.

Oh, wait. First thing you notice if you're a guy? Hot Mrs. Claus makes a return! You're welcome.

So Hugh Jackman post-ugly stick tussle (HJPUST...or Hij Pust, which sounds as ugly as he looks) proposes to Hottie Hot Hottie and she denies him. Not because he cuts his own hair with safety scissors or starred in Australia, but because Hij Pust has bad credit.

Wait, a semi-legit reason to not marry someone? And in a Norton Furniture commercial?! What the fuck, people?!

But here's the thing: she says no so adamantly that it's a bit ridiculous when she seems to turn around with an idea to fix his problem! Hurrah! 

Norton comes in, blah blah blah, heard this spiel, don't give a shit. Well, not entirely true. Hij Pust does a great job with his spasms that he takes our focus off staring at Marc Norton. But then we get stuck staring at him instead. Could we not just move both of them off the screen, perhaps a few countries away for good measure, just so we can watch Hottie Hot Hottie? Do they not realize sex really sells, but it kind of fails when you counter such sex appeal with all that is boner-killing? 

Yep, imagine hearing Marc Norton's voice next time you're trying to get off. Enjoy THAT.

So Marc Norton saves the day, gets the girl, and rides into the sunset, where he hopefully crisps nicely, and the whole point of calling him in is ruined. Yes, bring in Marc Norton to fix your credit (hint: he doesn't fix your credit so much as give you crappy furniture, so thanks a bunch, misleading advertising), and then flip off your boyfriend for someone just as unappealing. Makes sense to me!

At least you see Norton covering his face in shame. A moment of realization? Probably not, as we'll have more of his shit to watch next Friday, I'm sure.

2009's first ratings. Hurray.

-Hij Pust: I'll give you a few points for playing a badass in most of your films, but I will then take them all away for this. Every. Point. Ever. You used to play Asteroids when you were a kid? I'm taking the points away from there, too. I will hunt all your points down and I will make you wish you were never awarded points.

-Hottie Hot Hottie: I will give you ten points. 3 of them being my area code, the other 7 being the rest of my phone number.

-Wheezy: Way to help me ring in the new year with you. I hope you're happy. I sure ain't. -2009 points for you, sir.

Maybe I'll do that weekend Twitter/Webcomic thing I promised. Maybe I'll still be hungover tomorrow. I promise nothing.

Until then, deal with it.