Sure, the Cavs' "Richfield Coliseum" became "Gund Arena" and then "Quicken Loans Arena," but at least they call that last one "The Q." The Indians' "Progressive Field" just sounds like every other sponsored stadium. Couldn't call it Pro Field? Too corny? Fuck you, I like it. And it's not like the Indians progressed at all once the stadium was named that. Shit.
But it wasn't just that name that bothered me. Soon after Jacobs Field was renamed (as I will continue to call it that and not it's new moniker), new Progressive.com commercials started popping up. Past ones had Ryan Stiles, and I do like funny people, so maybe these guys would be good. Hell, if Safe Auto can come up with their catchy jingle and Geico can be generally funny (fuck you, Fuckwad), then Progressive can keep up with them, right?
WRONG. You should've learned that by now.
Also, feel free to note that the video quality is the same the ad's quality.
So this is what the internet looks like? All white and clean? Has this person ever been on the interwebs?
Okay, I get it, the commercial is showing that Progressive.com is a safe, easy way to shop for insurance online, so they have to spiff up what we encounter every day. So no LOLs, no porn (shit!), and no flaming. Not realistic, but hey, they want to make a good name for themselves.
And holy shit, 350 dollars! Isn't that supposed to be their average projected savings by every customer who switches to Progressive, or that's at least what they want to portray, right? So if everyone that comes into that storeternet pretty much gets that savings, they all get that annoying voice congratulating them over the PA? Balls to that.
But look on the bright side! Super savings and bonuses! Concierge claim service, local response claims service, 24/7 live support, and probably a Trojan because you can't go on a website without fucking up your hard drive somehow. Oh, you can expect some spyware, too, so Progressive can see when you search other insurance sites and then mess your stuff up. They don't take kindly to browsers.
Clarification: people who browse for other insurance. But, hey...that works for internet browsers, too! Take note of my apparent wittiness.
And of course Mr. Guy's all excited. Even a "wow!" escapes his lips. But then that annoying hipster chick has to say it louder. Whitey keepin' the brothas down, right?
Oh, I can't say that? Oh, yeah, I'm white, too. Whoops.
So apparently there IS flaming in this commercial. Doing something on the internet and then someone trying to do better in a passive-aggressive manner. That's what I want from my insurance reps is cockiness. Especially from a woman who ate a red popsicle or went down on Clifford, depending on how awful you want it to be. I like to provide you with options.
Another example? Why, I'm glad you asked!
Same idea. Same $350. But this guy doesn't get his savings broadcast to the rest of the apathetic intershop. Lucky jerk.
Also, same oneupmanship. A guy celebrates with a noise maker? Sure, it's the New Year, and he just saved decent bucks on insurance? Wait, what's that? Some dumb bitch has to play her noise maker louder and pretend it's a song that she wrote? What creativity! That will surely bring in more customers with our annoying, braggart sense of advertising! Huzzah!
You can tell that hipster chick went to Julliard and majored in Sucking At Music. I was going to go with "Blowing At Music" but that's how a lot of instruments are played. There's your nugget of knowledge for the day. Use it tomorrow at work and impress your water cooler friends. Or your fry station friends. I'm no judge. If I were, that would be awesome, but no.
Late breaking realization! Her name's Flo! That sucks! Sorry to all Flo-fans out there, but hey, gotta stick with my gut.
Auld Lang Ratings.
-Mr. Guy: Hey, congrats on your generic insurance purchase and saving $350. Maybe you can get a bit more from suing Progressive for being treated like an idiot by personnel. 350 lawyer points to help you out there.
-Mr. New Year's Guy: Hope you enjoyed your new insurance, too, and your subsequent party with a surly attitude after dealing with Flo. 350 drinking points. You'll need them.
-Flo: Your lipstick does not deter attention away from your split-ends and everything else. I bet you're actually a cool person in real life, but yeah, stop doing what you do. 350 new job points. Use them. NOW.
That's it until Friday. We'll see how the mood goes. You might get something generally enjoyable to watch, which means someone less angry to read, when means less entertaining, but still! Git!
1 comment:
Progressive Field...that's bollocks. I'll always know the stadium as Jacobs! And what about the Indians getting Carl Pavano, eh? Nothing like paying $1.5 million on a DL entry. I suppose it is a $350 saving over somebody else on the market like Derek Lowe...
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