Oh, what's that? You're trying to go to a different site? Sorry, can't let you do that. Attempting to close your browser? Nope, not permitted. Ctrl-alt-delete will not save you now.
Of course, you could do any of those, but then you're just a dick. Don't be a dick. Be a dude.
I'm doing this not because they're good or bad, but because 3/4 of them (yes, four Zelda commercials) are Japanese, which makes them both extremes at the same time.
Whenever I marry, I expect my wife to dress as Zelda at least once. She will get diamonds afterwards, I promise, but everyone has their fantasies and wishes. Mine just happens to be way too nerdy to admit to the public. Well, guess what? Admitted. Public'd. This is how I do.
Is it wrong of me to show you these instead of relevant ads? No. Is it right of me, then? No. It is left of me. Left-handed, that is. Because Link is left-handed. He's a southpaw.
Shut up. Let's just do this.
FIRST we have Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening.
Did you see those eyes?! He can make the X-dead eyes!
Get me that puppet. Screw the rest of the ad. Did you understand the story? No? I don't care. Get me that damn puppet.
Did you get it for me yet? No?! What the hell, guys?! Watch the commercial again. Do you see the Link puppet? Did you see him spin-slash? Did you see the X-eyes?! GET ME THAT PUPPET!
Moving on!
SECOND we see Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventure, which was a game meant for 4 people to play and enjoy, using teamwork, different weapons, and apparent color coordination to succeed. Or you could play it by yourself if you're a jerk.
Oh, and if you didn't notice in the commercial, any time you open a treasure chest, feel free to murder your companions and hoard it for yourself. That's how we all feel, I understand. One minute, stab each other. The next? Slay a monster as a team. Immediately following, please stab each other again. It's a fun cycle.
"Yatta" means "I did it!," I believe, but I learned that from Heroes, so don't take my word for it since I took my word for a series that needs to get back to being good. You read me, Tim Kring. Fix.
So, yeah, the little song the Links sing is cute, the puppetry (GET ME THAT FUCKING PUPPET) was neat, and then there was more Japanese, but it's okay, because cute songs, puppets, and stabbing each other is the Japanese craze, right? Japacraze? Awesome.
You also get the subject of our THIRD commercial with Four Swords, which is arguably the best Zelda game ever, Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. No, this isn't going to be a gaming blog, I just want to indulge myself in something fantastic once in a while, thanks for asking.
But this commercial...this takes the cake. I mean, what's better than starting off with Link and a bunch of the lesser-known Zelda characters leading us with a dance video, albeit difficult dancing (I don't dance, and I now blame the Japanese for it), while Zelda herself sultries it up in a cage? Not much, unless that dancing leads into fighting.
Of course it does.
Oh. Oh, no. Wait. Does Zelda have a manvoice? Is this like classic Shakespeare where the men play all parts? Oh, no. Oh, man. That hurts, Japan. That really hurts. You have ruined a lot in a little amount of time.
But it works out, right? Link does pull out the Master Sword and fends off his former dance buddies. Also, get me that sword. Wait, I already have it? Good. Nerdwish complete.
But then Ganon shows up. For those not in-the-know, Ganon(dorf) is the Big Bad of the Zelda series more often than not. You can also get me that massive Ganon puppet and I promise* I won't force ridiculously terrible ads on you anymore.
*Crossing my fingers AND toes.
Though, the scene following his entrance intrigues me. I mean, you usually get a sword or special arrows or a magic shield or anything you can wield that's made of gold/silver/mirrorness that beats Ganon, right? When did they use the power of dance to defeat him? Did I miss that game? Do they have a Zelda DDR? If they do, I will begin weeping...now. Oh, not for joy, but for pure terror and despair.
And this allows us to leave the Land of the Rising Sun for the FOURTH commercial, straight from England.
Whoa. Deep voice. Did they hire Don LaFontaine (look it up) for this commercial? If they did, good call. If he's dead, bad call.
He's dead. Sucks for us.
Okay, let me try to set this up. We have Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, which uses a cartoon-graphics style (cel-shading, hipsters) instead of the more realistic approach from the two previous games (Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask). Lots of people threw a world-class hissy fit about this, but the game is a shload of fun, and those people soon shut up and were sent to their corners to wear the dunce hat. Fuckwits.
Now, imagine a very cartoony-looking game, which has many elements of humor strewn about, being portrayed as a drama. Wait. Stop imagining and watch.
Well, we do have a Dinghy jumping a barrel, running along the beach, attacking grass, moving a block, and aerial assaulting some wood. Spell it out, people, because that's what's being delivered here.
Also crawling, rupees, ridiculously sounding birds, wide-eyed lava reactions, and blocking?! YES! SO INTENSE!
Well, Gohma, that big skeleton bug looking sucker, does seem to be making me shit my pants. Figuratively, of course.
Wait, "figuratively" means I actually did it, right? Oh...well, whichever word means it actually happened. Use that one.
Ratings!
-Four Links: Though you are supremely awesome, I will only award you 1 point. See who earns it.
-So you think you can Danceaneses: 50 points for your dance moves and special effects for a Super Nintendo commercial. -10 points from Gryffindor that you can earn back when you make Zelda a girl. Seriously, what the fuck, Japan? Geez!
-Dramatic Voiceover Guy: Movie previews not paying you enough? Figured you'd branch out into a much deeper art form, I take it. 100 posthumous points if you are Don LaFontaine. -100 if you're lying, you liar.
-GET ME THAT MOTHERFUCKING PUPPET.
That is all.
1 comment:
Hee hee...I've never been much of a Zelda fan, but those games have always had interesting commercials. I mean, there's the one with the crazy guy shouting the names of Zelda enemies, and who can forget about the Zelda rap, complete with 1980s cheesiness.
"The Legend of Zelda is really rad.
Those creatures from Ganon are pretty bad."
Anyways, the Japanese commercials were awesome, especially the Link to the Past one, with the distinctively Asian but cute Zelda. The last one was just a bunch of gameplay videos, which is blah.
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