Wendy's: tasty, cheap, and their chicken sandwiches are even better than elementary school chicken patties. I know! I was surprised the first time I had one of theirs, too, and I realized that I would never have a normal "hot lunch" again.
Is "hot lunch" a sexual tactic? If it is, I'm sorry.
Just Googled that, and I continue to be sorry. Then again, would you rather have a spicy chicken sandwich or a "hot lunch" today? Exactly.
Wait, is "spicy chicken sandwich" a sexual tactic? If it is, then what the fuck is wrong with people? And why do I expect half of you to come up with what it could be?
You people are what's wrong with the fast food industry. Wait. No. These commercials are. And the awful things fast food does to your body. And pretty much everything but Wendy's and sometimes BK.
Alright, successfully tossed off track and re-track'd. We've got a value menu of Wendy's commercials for you. Yes, you can watch these commercials for cheap and they won't fill you up at all, and some of them may make you sick if you overindulge.
Movin' on.
Why.
Why?!
WHY?!
WHY THE F--actually, I like this one.
But it was banned.
FUCK.
So we have three sub par Wendy's commercials and one good one (that no one gets to see because it's too awesome for your eyes).
We go in reverse chronological order!
Numero 1) Starting us off, I know you've had to have been forced to watch these in the middle of pretty much anything you watch, and yes, the entire series with these guys is awful, but what can spice up a commercial? An ethnicity portrayed a completely different ethnic group? Did it work?
NO! You knew it wouldn't. Little can save an awful ad campaign unless you kill off the characters, which would get the commercial banned, and subsequently I would enjoy it. It's the circle of suck, people.
Why did I choose this one out of the several that plague our TV airwaves? Because it's short. Of course, we all know short things can be awful. Hell, Randy Newman put that in a song. He was also a dick. Well, so am I, but my voice isn't as funny.
Actually, go ahead and pretend the rest of this is read by Randy Newman, see if that doesn't give you a perspective on how ricockulous this all is.
But, yeah, even short commercials can bring about stabbing pains. Meaning either the pains are so sharp from the awfulness of it all, or you will want to stab yourself, preferably in your eyes or ears to never have to deal with all this again*.
*Don't stab yourselves over a commercial. Just punch a random passerby. Share the pain.
Look at that ad! Even the guys that normally taint our television are awkwarded out. It's not acting, people. There is no other reaction you can give that Annoysian (think about it, and it's meant toward him, not the rest of you, who I like despite your mathematics genius and your love for cameras [two stereotypes for the price of one, on the house]) than to be disgusted.
You dry-heaved when you watched it, didn't you? I did.
Number the 2) brings us what was supposed to kick off a brand new style of Wendy's commercials. I remember reading in the newspaper they had filmed a bunch in the same way, the stupid Wendy's wig, blah blah don't give a fuck. The newspaper also claimed it was Wendy's trying to reinvent its advertising, attempting to bring a new level of humor to their ads.
It. Didn't. Work.
I get it. People kicking trees? Yeah, it represents everyone going to other fast food places because "everyone's doing it." You can hear your parents saying "if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" And I ask "did I just force myself to watch awful advertising to try to entertain/annoy people?" And then I jump.
But it's only a 1 foot high bridge, so I'm okay. Lucky you!
Explain to me why a frozen burger would end up dry. When you unfreeze a burger, does it not get wet when you grill it again? Isn't "frozen" usually related to "ice" which is made from "water" or am I making too much sense?
Sure, there's probably more to it, but I'm not here to agree with TV.
If this guy can tear a phonebook in half with his bare hands, and if he can not copy Will Ferrel when he "acts," then yeah, maybe I'll buy into this. But he can't stop lying or copying, so I'm out.
Number 3 for me) is the most unrealistic one of all.
First off, let me say that I understand the point of this. I know that Wendy's is saying their breakfast is better than what's presented before this guy.
But, also let me say my scenario is better. It always is.
So we've got this guy on a beach with a hot librarian. Note again that this is a beach, and if you can go to the beach and find a hot librarian, this is going to be a good day.
But! She also transforms into a blonde.
Wait. Three blondes! You may not be man enough, but you better give it a fucking shot! Heh, fucking. Pun'd.
But nope. You skip out on it for a Wendy's breakfast. What would've been better? Maybe, I dunno, getting your foursome on with Magic Chick(s) and then getting breakfast with them? Or without, your call, as long as you do the deed.
What, it's a dream? Well, fuck that. Minus the guy...uh...vacuuming the ocean, I didn't even realize it was all supposed to be a dream. Can't Wendy's give the guy a break and make it a reality? 1-3 hot women who want a normal guy and top it off with a bacon sammich?
So, yeah, I guess I don't hate this one for it's awful situations or bad acting, but rather because you screwed the guy over by not screwing him over and over and over!
But, 4thly) the good commercial that was BANNED. The FCC does ruin a lot of things, but does it have to take away good ads? Apparently.
I don't really have much to say about it. It's funny, and I like it. They also bring in a stereotypical Indian (no, I don't think they all drive cabs or work in 7-11s, but rather that they are all doctors...real life references, people) to administer this test.
And then fatty goes boom. Hurray!
So I guess I do have a...beef...with this commercial! Yes! Two puns!
Yeah, but my complaint is more about the censorship. I take it that Wendy's isn't allowed to go the Morgan Spurlock route and show fast food kills people? Even if it's with an explosion and not organ failure?
Nope, explosion's too real. Three of my friends have gone that way after enjoying some spicy Wendy's. Those poor bastards never got to...to eat their Frosties!!! Bwaaaah-haaaaa!!
Yeah, melodrama OVER.
So, the lesson today, kiddies, is the lesson I give every time: commercials suck, and when they don't, you won't see them.
Except sometimes.
Ratings, in viewed order: fail, fail, fasianail, Will Ferrail, fail, HOTHOTHOTHOT, and win-win.
Catch you when I feel like it.
(Two things: assholes took the first commercial off on the one I had embedded, so I had to give you one with an Adult Swim bit at the beginning. Secondly, yes, he's in The Dark Knight, but he also made this. Bad > Good here.)
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