Dumbability: Is it the ability to be dumb? We'll find out!

Remember when I said I'd update on the weekend? Good. Then remember when I lied about it because this is going up Monday? You do now.

Yeah, so I skipped the "real" update, but from what I gather, you liked Friday's quickie, so I slacked off a bit and got my anger all pent up for today.

And what better to dive into but a Bud Light commercial, but before we do, think about the Budweiser commercials you've seen. The Budweiser frogs, the Budweiser Clydesdales (horses, smartie), Whazzaup, Real Men of Genius, etc. All good ads, right? Memorable, funny, and usually they show up during the Superbowl, which is kinda neat. 

Speaking of which, prepare for me to rip apart bad Superbowl ads. Those are just uncalled for.

But then...

...there's Bud Light. Light on calories, light on entertainment.

Let's be fair; the map thing is pretty cool and could've been used for shloads of funny. Instead, it was used for anything but.

Let's look at the "facts" of this commercial, shall we?

41% of the people polled (hint: I don't think they polled anyone, much less the people on the set) thought "drinkability" meant "the ability to drink." Got that?

26% thought it meant "easy to swallow." Candle wax seems like it'd be easy to swallow. Is it drinkable? We'll get to that in a second.

One guy in Boston. That's a percent now, right? Every single opinion should be listed on this poll, correct? Fuckin' A, people. Yeah, they tried to be funny with that one, but they didn't really succeed. At all.

So, from those "facts," we get the answers from 67andoneguy%. The other 22andnineguys% either had no opinion, or, like me, had a very strong statement against dumb shit like this. I was a oneguy%.

So, Anheuser-Busch, what does it mean? "Just the right taste."

Hold up, lemme just check the Merriam-Webster site...

Yeah, you're right, Bud Light. You are spot fuckin' on.

Or, let's just copy and paste the actual entry right here:

Main Entry:

¹drink·able 

Pronunciation:

\ˈdriŋ-kə-bəl\

Function:

adjective

Date:

1611

: suitable or safe for drinking

— drink·abil·i·ty \ˌdriŋ-kə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun

So, what we've learned here is that Bud Light's been defining things wrong since 2008, while actual dictionaries are awesome. Also, no, candle wax may be able to be swallowed, but, according to M-W, it isn't exactly "drinkable" or doesn't have "drinkability." I did thing it had just the right taste, though. I would also recommend Bleach the ad geniuses at Bud Light, as I believe they'd find it has just the right taste.

At least Captain Caughtoffguard (who never asked what drinkability meant, Sergeant Fuckstick, but thanks for giving him the wrong answer so he'll fail his vocab exam tomorrow) is right on the map. It is a nice map. But why does someone who doesn't deserve nice things have it?

Feel free to note Lieutenant Disinterested on the couch to your right, as he's just there to get drunk and is sick of all these English lessons.

And thanks, Lt. FS, as being the worst wingman ever. Last I checked, friends don't let other friends cockblock when hot women are involved. Beer goggle worthy women, sure, but not hot ones, and I'm not drunk right now, so I can tell you, without a doubt, that the side of that lady is smokin'.

Oh, be quiet, girls, you feel the same way about us guys and waking up next to one after a night of partying. Everyone gets a walk of shame.

Also, how do I know that Lt. Fuckstick ruined everything with his dumbass "bunny ears" move? Because that girl is anti-furry. She knows the ins-and-outs of the interweb, and she is not down with Peter Cottontail. Doesn't rhyme, but works.

But wait! Here's more!

We get yet another wrong definition! Yaaaay! Well, wrong unless the definition changed since last I checked the site.

Nope, still the same. 

Yeah, still the same now, too.

"Drinkability" does NOT mean being a light drink. That's why you're "Bud Light" and not "Budrinkable." Though that's an awesome name. Feel free to use that, Anheuser-Busch, but I expect royalties. And only if you read up on what words mean once in a while.

But that's not even my biggest problem this time. Maybe the fact that this guy says baba ghanoush is her personal favorite festival food and then goes on to say, not 3 fucking seconds later, that he has no idea what it is and, in fact, likes it because it sounds cool. I hope he's allergic to eggplant.

Baba ghanoush is made of eggplant. There's the punchline. 

Okay, so the last little bit made me chuckle the first time I saw, and I hate to admit it, BUT! Ever since then, I've loathed that guy in his Panama hat. I think that's a Panama hat. I don't wear anything but a Kangol hat, so sue me for being stylish and pretending I'm Samuel L. Jackson.

This is all just disappointing because, like I said, Budweiser makes awesome ads for TV, radio, and print, but Anheuser-Busch really skimps on ads for its other beverages. Oh, it also really skimps on making beer that tastes good. Sorry, Budweiser, but you may be cheap, but you also suck pretty bad. I'll stick with Keystone for my cheap beer. Probably because it goes down smooth. That means it has drinkability, people.

No, it doesn't. That was a test. You failed!

Ratings are not necessary, as I don't think Bud Light knows what "rating*" means. 

*Main Entry: rating

Function:

noun

Date:

2009

1. The just-right sound that occurs when you twist off the cap of a cool, refreshing Bud Light.

2. The satisfaction stemming from crushing a can of Bud Light after finishing it off before your manly friends, thus propelling yourself to the spot of Alpha Male.