It's coming...

Yeah, yeah, "that's what she said" and all that fun. But, really, the update is on its way. Back in the mindset, less sick, and ready to get back in the game...again.

Wonps Weekend: the Dos

Remember Wonps? Did you just start reading recently and have no idea what an archive is? Google it. Google everything! Google elgoog. 

Anyway, it is short for something long, where "Wonps" actually should be "wnps" which SHOULD mean "with no particular structure," even though, looking back, this does have a bit of a structure, but hey! Who cares? Not me! Wonps fits anyway.

If you don't know what it is, this is your last reminder! It has to do with things I review in a positive light, and has more to do with personal tastes and things I enjoy with little reason on why I'm posting it outside...well, I can.

So, starting with last week's and entering the new category, here we go.

1. Beer of the Week: Guinness

-This encompasses any different Guinness you would have. This dry stout is quite thick for a popular, mainstream beer, but that just makes it that much more grand. A few things I just found out while researching for this: Guinness has been linked to being good for your heart, which is awesome, and Guinness is partially made with isinglass, which is from fish. So, for those men out there that love meat and beer, guess what? Two for one special, baby. Also, any brewing company that is related to both a book of records (you know what it is, don't give me that look) and an attempt at making St. Patrick's Day a true national holiday (no class/work/anything so you can get wasted in the middle of a parade is always a good idea) make Guinness this week's BotW.

NEW 2. Pagebound of the Week: The Mosnter at the End of This Book: Starring Lovable, Furry Old Grover

-This is also my brother's favorite kids' book, but man, it is a good read even today. It is apparently post-modern, but as a kid, I didn't give a flying eff. It is neat because it is You vs. Grover. He finds out there's a monster at the end of the book and doesn't want you to get there to unleash it. Unfortunately for him, I like to turn pages. He does his best to tie the pages together, wall them up with bricks, anything, but my hands were TOO STRONG. There's a twist, but I won't spoil it unless you want me to.

Spoiler! Highlight: IT'S GROVER! YAAAAAY!

It was enjoyable to find this amongst my books recently, and I still enjoy it now as much as I did then. If you were ever a kid (some of you, I doubt), see if you have it anywhere you ever lived, or pick it up from the interweb or get lucky at a used bookstore.

That is all. Get out mah house!

A deadly case of the suck

Remember the previous entry. Going to bore that into your brain. Remember, Remember, the 4th of March. Not as catchy, but a bit more relevant.

It's Friday! Hoo and Ray! And you're reading this. Do you feel good about yourself? You should! You're finding out what specific commercial annoys me at this moment.

Finally learned how to save Flash videos to my hard drive AND made a Youtube account, so I can start saving the commercials I've reviewed/reamed to it in case they get taken down. Should probably check on that, but first, the reason you're all here.

You are all here to read some of my glorious poetry, I assume. Otherwise, take a hike.

Aw, shit. Must've misplaced my journal of dreams and lyricism. Looks like I have to critique another commercial.

First off, let me put a blanket statement out there: I have no clue what's going on. Yeah, I eventually got what the deal was, but, for some reason, I just couldn't get a grasp on what was happening the first 20 times I watched this.

Oh, yeah, the reason is shitty acting. 

Well, there are a few more, but that just stands out to me. The camera work also sucks, and the set itself...well, I don't go camping too much, but how often do you bring a dartboard with you? And if you do, does that not remind you of a bar? It does to me, and I see no beer. None. Four guys camping without beer. Let your minds create a scenario where this is sensible. Take your time.

Okay, back to the dartboard. They completely missed an opportunity at humor, albeit cheap, at the beginning. You have Sergeant Sick coughing while Mr. What's The inFlection throws a dart. Could it not have been comically distracting enough to have him miss the shot wildly, and perhaps hit one of the other slobs hanging out. Like I said, it would be cheap, but when you have a crappy ad, you take what you can get.

And still focusing on that moment: you guys want burgers or bacon or whatever the guy is making for food, right? Well, who do you have grilling: some guy reading a camper's guide/medicine book/Hustler, the dart-playing Mr. WTF, or some guy who is messing with sticks. All perfectly viable choices; they aren't doing anything important. Nope! Let's make the sick guy do it! Makes sense. Nothing he has can be contagious, right? It's got to be something caused by an animal in the wild.

Whoops.

So Dr. Icanread suggests a snakebite, and Coughy McGee does exclaim he's achey. Well, let's see.....did he have a bite mark? Don't you think that's something he would've noticed around the time he would've gotten it? 

Okay, well, what about Hoof-and-Mouth disease? You know, the one thing that sounds a bit made-up, but it isn't? Oh, but did I mention that it rarely happens to humans and that the guy would probably be dead? Not a guarantee, but you never know.

Nope, he has the Morning Drive.

Wait, what disease is that?

It's not a disease. It's the fact that he HAS to drive the guys home in the morning. It is his JOB. Would've been nice if Mr. WTF didn't say that line like he was suggesting what ailment Coughy McGee had. It really took me a while to figure out what was going on. Does that make me dumb and this commercial clever? No. Does it make it confusing and force the actors to take some speech classes? Sure.

But then they all get to the Nyquil part, and all three non-sick guys sound like assholes who knew what he had the entire time. Note the way Sergeant Stick has a nonchalant look on his face while he sarcastically states "the common cold." So was this all just a major dick move by the three jerks to annoy Coughy? If it was, it confused me. It confused Mikael, too, at least, so take it up with him! He's the responsible one!

It's all good, though, with the sugary way that Mr. WTF hands the Nyquil to Coughy. There are undertones there that I'm sure they didn't intend, but hey, we have them enrolled for the next semester to fix their sheisty work here.

Blah, blah, more shit happens, and then he drives them home. Remember that ooVoo commercial we talked about waaaaaaaaaaay back when? And then remember how the words didn't fit with the way that dad's mouth moved? Same thing goes for Ex-Coughy's "Woohoo!" here. Try it out.

Did it work? If it did, you're a liar or a ventriloquist. If it didn't, then you're a normie.

And, throughout all this, we had three perfectly healthy people WHO COULD'VE DRIVEN HOME INSTEAD. The caps were necessary because they are fuckpoops.

Usually I try to find something good about all these awful ads, but man, this one only encouraged me to go camp more often in hopes of taking the essentials: meat and beer. No darts. No jackasses. Just meat and beer.

Now, for the great outdoor ratings:

-Coughy: Thanks for tainting my food with your sickness, and thanks for rubbing it in my face that you can say anything you want with your mouth wide open. It's a neat, almost reverse-ventriloquist talent that I envy, and envy does NOT warrant you more points. -7 for you.

-Mr. WTF: All those points you just scored in darts? Take them away, reverse them, and that's all you deserve. Let's assume you hit bulls-eye. -50 points for you, bad sir.

-Dr. Icanread: I hear you can read. That's neat. Can you not be a dick? -14 points because you look like a douche, too.

-Sarge: I've never seen someone above the age of 5 enjoy playing with sticks more than you. Sure, it's neat to pick up a massive branch off the ground every once in a while and use it as a walking stick or swing it around, but hey, you're about 30 and playing with two little sticks and not air-drumming. You are wrong. -11 points.

Remember: tomorrow is back to the Wonps. Don't recall what "wonps" is? Tune in tomorrow to find out, then! Or...read back a bit...but tune in instead.

Makin' the bad rapz

Remember when I tried to get you guys to give me a 5-line rant/critique on that Heineken commercial a while back, and about three of your did it?

Well, we're doing it again, except you're actually going to participate! Anyone that doesn't won't get credit for this class and will be forced to repeat the 5th grade.

Yeah, I know most of you are high schoolers and up, but I'm sending you back that far anyway. That is, if you don't participate. So...do.

This is mostly on account that I'm feeling too good to rip apart anything. It's a feeling of accomplishment, and you know who else can have that feeling? YOU! Yeah, if you actually write about this thing, you can feel good about yourself, too!

What do you get? The top three (yeah, we need more than three to truly have a "top three") will have theirs posted along with mine this upcoming Monday. It's not money, but it's at least...funny? Maybe, if you do it, I'll try to rhyme less*.

*Not a guarantee.

Requirements: be funny, don't rely solely on cussing (that's MY gig, you have more character than that), and keep it to 5-lines. No more. No less. We're being super precise here. It's a short commercial, and it gives you a lot to work with, but "concise" is the key word.

Oh, you probably need the commercial.

I'm tempted to tear it apart now, but I'll wait for this great mood to scatter.

How do you respond? You see that comments section down there? DON'T USE IT! It completely takes out the point of me posting my favorites on Monday if everyone can read them, so...don't!

Instead, help clear the dust off the email I use specifically for here:

IMADNAUSEAM@GMAIL.COM

All caps are necessary on the webterin.

I'll see you Friday, where I get back in the groooove, like Stella, or David Spade.

Click Here For Creepy Celeb Pictures

So, here's something new. I did mention I would eventually work with internet ads, magazine ads, billboards, and radio ads if I could find them. Well, we ARE on the internet, and since I am terrible at saving animated .gifs (that stupid little silhouette of someone getting their freak on about...insurance...I will have you), I haven't been able to find a suitably awful internet ad. Granted, I must be pretty lazy to not find one, but I didn't go all out to search since there was an abundance of already-terrible TV ads.

But here we are. And here you go.

At first glance, this is a banner for facial reconstruction surgery. How else would these celebs get such perfect bone structure?

No. It's about white teeth. Ohhh, wait, yeah, I see it. It's pretty hard to miss the multiple unnecessary lens flares.

We can look first at the picture of Brad Pitt. Or is that Lance Bass? Or Barack Obama?

See, I can't tell because someone must've punched him in the face and given him a fat lip. And a fat chin. And a fat jaw. And fat cheeks. And fat teeth. And then they must've unpunched him in the rest of his face, which is why he has small eyes. And nose. And ears. And hair. Unpunched hair. It works for me, at least.

The problem here isn't the idea of the lens flare. It's the idea that "more is better." Here's a hint, "1 Trick for Whiter Teeth," if that is your real name: when you're advertising a better something (in this case: teeth, of course), I would suggest you, I dunno, let us see them? You went through the trouble of distorting his face to enlarge the teethal region, but then you found out how to make lens flares.

Now, I'm not very good at photoshop, as evident from my whining about it, but I do surf the interocean plenty, and from what I've learned from sites on webcomics, articles, sports blogs, blah blah blah, is that the "lens flare" is cool, but, man, is it ever overused.

Well, "1 Trick for Whiter Teeth" was a "1 Trick Pony for Photoshop" here. It just got corny in here, people.

We can see half the teeth. Are they that white? No. Would we want them that white? Sure, why the hell not? Let's have teeth soooooo white that they blind you. Actually, that's not the worst idea, is it? I mean, let's look at this scenario: you're a generally surly person, someone who doesn't like to smile much. Two reasons: you hate everyone and you have yellow teeth. Well, if you use this one trick (didn't look up what it is, because I like my face to be at normal proportions), you can GET those whiter teeth, and maybe this'll encourage your surly-self to smile more. Still a grumpy Gus? Smile anyway and blind those people you hate. Win-win, champ.

Oh, and my favorite part? Look a little bit above that behemoth of a chin. You see that white line going across? Do you see where the fuck that could be coming from? I see no source for that flare line at all. Perhaps he was dodging a bullet at the time this picture was taken, all with a terrific smile that no one can see because we are now legally blind because of said smile. S'ok, though, because at least we can show off our sunglasses  year round. Yeah, I'm awful, but I'm not these "1 trick" people.

At least the second picture doesn't overdo the lens flare. 

Okay, that's a lie, but we CAN see the teeth.

But first, you notice that the same sort of distortions were made to this picture as the one above it. The difference? I have NO idea who this person could be. What I DO know is that she looks like she can crush my skull in one bite. Them's some power jaws. 

This picture just generally creeps me out more than the former. The tooth all the way to the right is blurred. Did that tooth not sign the forms to allow its image to be displayed on TV? Perhaps it is in the Witness Protection Program? 

And then you have the two white dots near her chin. Don't be childish, I don't mean they're what you think they are. Please, give me SOME credit. 

It's not toothpaste splatter, you immature person, you. I'm sure she has the manners to clean that up.

No, it just looks like....wait.

Waaaaaait a second. 

You think it means...oh! Gross! Well, you just march yourself into the bathroom and wash your brain out with some Irish Spring.

It does look like someone spit on the camera, though, and that whoever photoshopped this needed to enhance that, too. I mean, why not? More attention to take away from the teeth that seem to actually be white, though we can't focus on that anyway because of what appears to be white straw emerging from her mouth.

Now time for ratings...FrOm ThE iNtErNeT! WhoooooooOOOOOOOOO!

Anyway, here:

-Guy: If you're Brad Pitt: 12 points for being a good actor, -23 points for allowing you image to be distorted in such a way, and -48 for probably not allowing it but also not stopping it. 6 flare points, though, for ruining my vision.

-Girl: Sorry I didn't know who you were, but I'm afraid that, if I knew your name, then that would somehow allow you to find me and wreck me with your humongous jaw. You can have all the points in the world if you just promise to keep those chompers away from me.

-"1 Trick": So, I did want whiter teeth, but now I'm scared on what teeth whitening will do to the rest of my face, so thanks for that irrational fear. 7 Therapy Points.

Hope my branching out worked a bit. Get used to it because I've now got a stockpile of internet banner ads, all cringe-worthy.

Weekend Antiangst: The Inauguration

No, this isn't going to be about actual inaugurations. How fun would that be to read every Saturday? Ian's list of (least) favorite presidential inaugurations. But they could even be presidents for other countries or even businesses!

But, no, things I'm not doing: that. Sorry, history nerds.

No, I've finally come up with something to do for these weekends which doesn't require searching for videos that I know piss me off and then writing about them, which requires me to review them even further and even delve into actual research, depending on the product, where all of that just riles me up in the worst of ways. Nonsexually. I said the worst of ways. I feel bad if I have family members reading this, but they now know what they've been in for.

Also, yes, maybe I should've put a hyphen between "anti" and "angst" up there, but I like the word in makes. An-shung-stuh. 

An-shung-stuh. Important ending sound.

Anywho, what I'm going to be trying, as I realized reviewing Twitter profiles and the relative tweets is kind of...difficult...to make an entire post (sober) about, and since I did that, what, once? Well, I'm moving onto something with a little more fluff to counter all the bitchosity I bring during the week.

Saturday is now the day of "Ian's List of Stuff That Appeals to His Taste With No Particular Structure," or the ILoSTAtHTWNPS, as the kids call it. And even THAT, as I just made up the sentence with no expectancy, has a nice sound. "I lost at hot wonps." Wonps. That is the new title for this feature. 

See, people, I work on the fly.

The way this rolls: I pick one category a week (song, TV show, play, food, container, precipitation, whatever) and give a little insight on why I mentioned it. This will cumulative until 10, which is the cap for the list.

What does that mean? It means I will start off with 1 category and move to 2 next week, with the 1st category staying on until I run out of things to list in that particular section. 3rd week holds the 2 former categories with new subjects PLUS a new third one. If you don't understand, show up in 3 weeks and you'll go "OHHHHH! That makes sense." 

ON TO THE RIBBON CUTTING CEREMONY!

(Imagine Liv Tyler dressed in Zelda's outfit here. Don't worry if you don't want to imagine it, because I sure am. Yes, ma'am.)

Category the One-st: Beer of the Week

Winner: Labatt Blue Light

Reason: Honestly, it's the only beer we have in the house, and since it's Friday and the Cavs are on, it's Beertime. Even if it wasn't, I'd still be drinking it. For as cheap as it is, it's mighty tasty. Sure, it's a piss-poor substitute for the snobby beers I've been introduced to, but man, when you get two of those in a mug given to you by your fraternity for being old, you feel good drinking its golden splendor. I see you looking at me, Xi Chi crest, and you are wondrous. Keep holding my beer for me and I will keep drinking from you.

See? Simple. Next week, we'll have a BotW and a new category. I picked beer first because there are a SHLOAD of beers that I enjoy, so that will at least last us until we get to the 10th category added.

Why are you reading this? You should also be drinking and/or partying!

Come back Monday, especially if you like to disenjoy things. Next Saturday: another Wonps.

Innuendo That Lasts

The reason this thing didn't get updated at the usual time stems from two reasons: I couldn't find the exact video I wanted, and I don't know how to edit them.

This is where imadnauseam@gmail.com comes into play. If you know how to get videos from Y'tube (shortening makes it hip, right?) and then edit them, hit me up. 

Either way, the extended version I found is, luckily, still awful! A blessing and a curse, to be fair.

BUT! I ask you all to watch 0:22 to the end, as that's pretty much the edited version, and what I will be talking about first, so let that sucker load, and then skip ahead, then watch, then puke, then go back to the beginning, then watch, then puke again. 

Also, let me inform you that after the "no crash," they explain it's sold in stores everywhere in that same, faux sultry manvoice, so, yeah, they cut out a nice part that extends the suckitude. And, the last line is "Now, I'm ready!" That in your head? Good. 

The edited version pops up on most the stuff I watch all day. ESPN, Comedy Central, FX, etc. This 10-second sucker will repeat itself over, and over, and over, and over, and over.

Actually, do that. Watch from 0:22 to the end a few times.

Go ahead. I can wait.

You done? No, you're not. You didn't try it. DO IT!

Good. Unless you didn't, then I'm disappointed in you.

Anyway, commercial repetition will get a product stuck in your head, so one point for the industry. Commercial repetition may also annoy the hell out of you, putting a negative connotation with whatever product, so take that point away and give it to someone deserving. Orphans need points, I hope.

Even so, if the commercial made sense, then sure, repetition would at least merit something. But, as you've seen the essentially edited edition, you notice yourself thinking "What the bagoo?" That's right, you used a word usually reserved for me and some of my friends.

You have someone stating the product name, and then an almost rhyme. In the actual edit, there is an unnecessarily long pause between "energy that lasts" and "no crash" where you can tell that, if the voice-over guy was good, he would've made some kind of change in inflection, but nope. Instead, he deserves to get paid as much as I do for bitching about this stuff.

Oh, and then you still see the guy at the end of the shortened ad, in his unusually tight dress shirt (that's not company policy, but today IS casual Friday...hmmm...conflicted) stating "Now, I'm ready!" Unfortunately, we don't have a fucking clue what he's ready for. Is he going off to shrink more of his clothes? Perhaps he's going to beat the shit out of whomever's on the other side of the desk? That's what people use energy shots for, right? Shit-beating-out-of-itude?

Of course, a few days ago I finally saw the real ad, and then it was all I could find on the webterweb. Instead of ruining this entry, it enhances, just like 6 hour energy enhances not only your mind and body, but actually doesn't do either of those. It does make you bounce off the fucking walls, though.

So now, feel free to watch the entire ad.

Oh, and you can close your mouth now. You may be shocked, but that thing got on TV, even though that furniture commercial with the boner-spring I showcased a while back couldn't be shown, despite no actual sexual content. Way to play favorites, FCC.

So we get to Mrs. Hola (Mrs. Hoe-la from now on, because my clever lever has been pulled) being a nice, innocent, abstinent secretary for Stacker 2. Product placement within product placement. Overkill? Yes. It seems like she's slacking on the job, though, not taking notes or calls, neglecting to file paperwork, not a single copy of anything being made, but, wait! It's okay! Her boss has called her in for what could only be a most important meeting. She grabs...something...and heads on it.

Apparently, the boss has just been given a raise!

Oh, yeah, I went there, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

So, welcome to sex on TV, enhanced by some energy drink. Oh, it's okay that he knocked the picture off his desk. It's only presumably his wife. No biggie for a big-time Stacker 2 exec, right? Thank God he had Stacker 2's energy shot to get him through that!

What the fuck, people? Adultery sells? No, it doesn't. Sex sells, this has been proven. Studies and the fact that, well, we all love sex (if you're having it, and fuck the people that are if you're not, right? But don't actually fuck them, because then you're one of them, and then a hypocrite, but then you won't care, right? Followin' me?). What we don't love is worrying that our loved one/spouse/partner/fuckbuddy is sexing it up with their secretary/boss. Yeah, do remember it's MRS. Hoe-la, not Ms. or Miss.

Oh.

Wait.

He wasn't getting it on with Mrs. Hoe-la. That's clean then, right? No actual sexual content?

No, he was jacking it. Fantastic.

And what makes it even better? Instead of just jacking it, maybe even to his wife's picture? He jacked it and then took an energy shot in preparation to do his also married secretary.

These are life lessons, people. The main lesson here is: if you buy these overly expensive energy shots, you will cheat on your lover, but thankfully, you'll have the drive to plow.

I hope you're all relatively disgusted by now, because it's ratings time!

-Mrs. Hoe-la, to you, I bequeath 8 hot points, because, well, you're hot. But I take them all away and give you 1 Scarlet Letter. If you don't know what that means, then you missed that day in English class.

-Big-Time Exec. Guy, I never gave you an actual nickname, but I still have some ratings and parting gifts. 2 energy points because tapping that fine, stenographer ass will use them up. Negative 8 energy points because that shit DOES make you crash, or it at least made me crash the one time I tried. And, as a consolation prize (which you will receive in your divorce settlement), I award you some XL T-shirts so you can wear something that doesn't show off your nips.

Feel free to show up tomorrow to check out something I'll be doing every weekend that happens to be a critique, but gives you a little more insight into the things I like and do. AKA things that won't be so outright sucky to watch.

Last (but not least...and most least)...Super Bowl Ratings (Part the Third of the Threes)

It's still Wednesday, so I take this as a good sign. 

Let's skip the appetizer and go straight for the prime rib, and if you're a vegetarian, I'm sorry for your loss of meat, but I thank you for leaving more for us. You're all champions in my eyes.

My favorite commercial from the Super Bowl is...

Not this one:

It was my favorite, but after watching it again, I realized the humor came more from the shock of the last few lines, the "no one wants to see you naked" and then Captain Creeper's line. But, since I saw this commercial already, the shock value is gone, and so is a large chunk of the humor. 

But! Luckily for Teleflora, it was more than good enough to keep their name in my head. They also did a fantastic job of actually advertising their service in a clever way, not bashing any other flower delivery service specifically (though, to be fair, I don't know a single other one, so good job not alerting us to others in case you suck, Teleflora), and having a short, cute, one-time funny commercial. Well done, Teleflora, but you only hold 1 1/2th place.

Instead, the REAL winner is: 

Are you surprised? You shouldn't be. Alec Baldwin is hilarious. I'm still not fully into "30 Rock," but I do know I should be! That's a step in the right direction.

This commercial panders to my age group easily: it's random, it features the shows we watch (note how they advertise "30 Rock" in here...clever contractual move, Baldwin), and it gives us interweberly hip a service we so desperately need: downloading shows for free without being pirates. Though piratetism is pretty cool. Yar and such.

The real winner here is the editing team. The special effects and set and CGI and junk are all well and good, but the key moment in this commercial that broke me was the back-and-forth laughter. I'm going to watch it again.

Yeah, STILL hilarious.

But, for every Alec Baldwin, we have a Stephen. Someone who's had the taste of success once and feels untouchable afterwards, but learn they are not only the reason we can't have nice things, but the reason we actually have bad things.

And here's my visual/audio aid:

Note: it took me a bit to find a non-3D version of this. The headache you can get from the ad itself is bad enough. I didn't want to ruin your entire day, but this...well, this may just do so anyway.

Because there is SO MUCH SHIT going on here, I'm going to break it down by the seconds once again, for your sake, my sake, and sanity's sake.

0:00-0:03- Lizard Lake. Get it? Instead of Swan, which is an animal, you get Lizard, which is ALSO an animal! We're already on the Clever Train. Next Stop: Smartsville.

0:03-0:17- Football players doing ballet. It's not uncommon. Apparently a lot do take it for the coordination it teaches and flexibility it enhances. Performing Swan Lizard Lake? A little more uncommon, but a lot of potential, to be fair. This could be funny.

0:17-0:26- Or not. With that little rattlesnake-handshake thingy, we begin our journey down past Hell into what can only be described as "The Thing Nightmares are Made Of, Only We Had To Through These Parts Out Because They Made Nightmares Too Wretched." It's a long description, but very accurate, as evident by the pointless Superman-type leap...and less-than-comedic crash, and another unfunny crash because the dancers were looking at your feet. If you were real dancers, you would know not to do that, assholes! We would have been able to avoid this upcoming mess (yes...would have been able to avoid this future you haven't seen yet) if you weren't idiots. But, then again, if you weren't, this may have been an enjoyable experience.

It's not, though.

0:26-0:32- Oh, joy, those fucking lizards. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING. This is where the Stephen Baldwin analogy comes into play. Last year's ad with the hot gal was pretty good in the sense that it was new, and there was a hot lady. This year, it's a bunch of football players...and lizards...and characters from a movie that was still 2 months from being out. I liked the trailers for "Monsters Vs. Aliens," but this may be enough to change my mind.

0:32-0:38- Well, the director of this ballet's gotta be pissed. This isn't Swan Lake at all! Who's the joker that put on this cah-razy music, with all these wacky characters? And who said all the lizards could turn into piss-poor Heisman trophies? "Not I," said the ballet director.

0:38-0:41- Okay, one thing that makes sense: a dancing behemoth accidentally punting a small lizard. It's a liiiiittle logical. Another football player trying to bite him mid-air? Not so much. Unless he was trying to express shock and awe with that face, which, in that case, F minus, sir.

0:41-0:45- More dancing, but now that the vocals are in, we get a good sense to how out-of-tune it is. Great use of vocal effects, guys. Greater use of ruining the music from Swan Lake by associating it with this shit. Oh, and now there's a giant lizard. Will it be in the movie "Monsters vs. Aliens," or does the director of that movie have more sense? At this point, anything shitty could happen.

0:45-0:52- More dancing. I'm thinking of calling the cops and filing a noise complaint. I don't want to be "that guy," but I don't want these people to be anywhere near me. You make personal sacrifices for these situations. Oh, and what would a shitty party be without some jackass who Bedazzled his from teeth? Yeah, that's a good grill. Who needs gold teeth when you can put Sobe there instead? All I want for Christmas is to break their four front teeth. Their four front teeth. Their four front teeth.

0:52-1:00- Shitty dancing continues. Lizard cheerleaders do nothing but induce more barfing. Football players remind us they belong on the field and off the dance floor.

1:00-1:01- And there you go. You're left with a very disturbing transformation from man to lizard. Is it cool? No. Is it well done? No. Is it creepier than every horror movie that came out within the past 5 years? Yes, but that's not saying much. We don't need any more "Saw" movies, thank you.

Now, I could've picked a lot of different ones for the worst commercial of the Super Bowl. Pick a beer one, and you'll realize: they were all bad. But, even though I hate the idea behind the "drinkability" slogan (IT MEANS YOU ARE ABLE TO DRINK IT, ANHEUSER-BUSCH), two things: I already did a segment on that, and, even combined, they weren't nearly as bad as this Sobe one.

The absolute worst thing about this, though? Sobe tastes like shit. Pretty much every bad ad I've reviewed has a service/product that I enjoy. Beer, fast food, snacks, cell phones, furniture...but Sobe is awful. Just awful. It was what prisoners shower with. Yes, they end up stickier than when they go in. It is an awful prison, mind you, but they aren't forced to drink it, at least. That's cruel. Too cruel for even me.

No ratings. I feel you've gone through enough having to watch that 1-minute tragedy. 

We will get back to our normal ads Friday. "Normal" in the sense that nothing will be normal and everything you see will be horrible. Well, I guess that is on par for this blog.

Get out!

Dusting off the cobwebs (Super Bowl: part deux of three)

Well, I was just watching the Oscars (Cavs already did their domination, so I guess I could watch this), and Tom Cruise murdered Jimmy Kimmel via arson, so...that's cool.

Anyway, who's the dick that didn't update this thing for the longest time? 

Oh...whoops.

So I've been busy and a bit uninspired. Why? Because I've been content with life. When I'm happy, I don't get angry about so many things anymore.

But! I've found a way to write with spite without actually being pissed. Granted, anger for this is like steroids for baseball. Except it doesn't shrink my balls or make me seem like an asshole in front of the national media. Anger, instead, makes balls bigger and only makes me seem like an asshole in front of local newspapers.

Oh, I guess I should get back to critiquing shit, right? And what better way than to start off with Part Deux of my Super Bowl Favorites/Haterites (yup) list!

Wait, when the hell was the Super Bowl? I've been gone for that long?

Anywho, my 2nd favorite Super Bowl ad for this past game!

The key here is repetition. The key here is repetition makes everything funnier. The key here is I'm not going to continue this bit.

Seriously, though, we've all seen a comedy skit, stand-up bit, cartoon, etc. that uses this technique. It starts off funny, gets funnier, tapers off, then the repetition somehow makes it even funnier.

That, and the implementing of "It's gold" is rather...well, golden.

Also that, and I love it because every worker that hates where they are reminds me, at least visually, of someone I know in real life. Even that fist that punches the koala. That's me. I punch things.

Okay, I just watched in five times. 1st time: funny. 2nd time: a little funnier because I noticed the blending of gold bars. 3rd: kinda worse. 4th: not much better. 5th: I got distracted by the Oscars.

Failed experiment, but just take my word for it that this commercial should kill (and did...I died from watching), or you could watch it yourself BEFORE reading this. And if you haven't watched the ads I bitch about before reading these until now, then...hey, dummy.

While you're distracted with gasping at my meanitude, I'll be starting one of the two tied for 2nd place. That's right, a tie, because I'm a cheater!

Chill out. You may like this. I get that. I didn't, and I have my reasons!

Well, the first may be ignorance on my part. I understand that bugs tend to go for sweet stuff (mostly ants...but I guess they did a Coke commercial before, right? And that's why they got shafted on casting on this one? Specieists). But to this extent, and with...is that a dung beetle? I'm terrible with biology, for feel free to correct me, but I can't open a bottle that's not a twist off without an opener or my teeth. Yeah, it hurts sometimes, but you do dumb things when drunk. Don't believe me? Grab a drink and see what happens*!

*I don't condone underage drinking. I do condone awesome things that happen when drunk, though.

But, yeah, realism = not there. That's not that big of a deal, actually. What IS the big deal is I DON'T WANT A ONE MINUTE STORY ABOUT BUGS STEALING FROM PEOPLE! That guy bought that Coca-Cola with his hard earned money doing whatever the hell he does (he's a bit unshaven and without shoes, so...beggar? Vagabond? Actor? Hi-yo!), and he doesn't need a team of bugs pulling a heist.

Wait...count the bugs. Grab 14 of them and George Clooney can make another Ocean's film. Who would expect Danny Ocean to work with a crack team of grasshoppers? Box Office Gold. If "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" can become number one, then anything can. Agree to agree on this, people.

But the BIGGEST problem I have with this is but one, simple thing: the butterfly.

Let's pause for a second and pretend that I can ignore this commercial trying to make a 1-minute story without unsympathetic characters and a dung beetle stronger than my right hand (his name is NITRO) using music from "Peter and the Wolf" even though that story has absolutely nothing to do with this commercial. Are you set in this fantasy world? Good.

Now imagine you call in the butterflies to help. They're beautiful, yet frightening creatures. Yet, you have the one butterfly land on the guys nose to cause an itch. 

Yes, it causes him to lift his arm so the bottle can roll without bumping into it. But, instead of finding a way around his arm (those slighted ants, perhaps, with their super strength and cuteness from "Honey! I Shrunk the Kids"), you are risking waking him up with the itch (he may have a super sensitive nose, who knows? Knows...nose...hehe!) or he could've used his other arm, which happened to be closer to his nose and already a bit elevated. 

It's picky, but I'm picky. It all works.

And I'm assuming all the bugs got bug diabetes from that much Coke. And bug cavities. And bug sugar rushes and crashes. And bug fat because that's what pop does to you. And bug stickiness, which is just the worst.

But, even those these are tied, I think I hate this next one slightly more.

Okay, let me take you through my thought process when first seeing this ad. Pay no attention to the title of the clip, because that wasn't part of it when it showed during the Super Bowl.

0:00-0:08- A sunglasses commercial? No...too early, no punchline, no twist. But then the twisting logo reminds me of the recylcing symbol...so maybe that? Nope.

0:08-0:14- This doesn't seem right for a military commercial. Bob Dylan and the army just...they don't seem to go together, am I right? Oh, we're still going. Good thing I type 45 words per 6 seconds. Means I can type all my thoughts without pausing!

0:14-0:17- Okay, I can see this somehow tying into a skateboard commercial, but when do you ever see those? For skateboard video games, yeah. X-games coming up? No...then what?

0:17-0:22- Oh, shit, is Bruce Lee resurrected! No...hopes got up for an awesome, new kung-fu movie. Just some symmetrical karate shit. Don't really see a purpose in advertising for that.

0:22-0:25- FUCK! It's a got-dang cell phone commercial exploiting the dumbest concert-goer technique ever. Lighters = yes. Cell phones = FUCK YOU!

0:25-0:31- Oh, we're still going, and no Verizon or Alltel logo popped up? We may be in the clear. Just Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am. jamming, that's cool.

0:31-0:34- Surfing. Same vein as skateboarding. Don't care. Movin' on!

0:34-0:37- A car commercial. Fanfuckingtastic. It's better than a cell phone ad, though, in the sense that genital warts are better than syphillis.

0:37-0:40- Oh, not that, either? Instead a...graffiti commercial? What? Or, maybe just something about peace? One of those ads with a message? Okay, well, that makes sense with all the past/present tie-ins, I guess.

0:40-0:43- Gumby is not Shrek. Green does not mean similar. Gumby is stretchy and flexible. Shrek is an ogre. Gumby doesn't do constant pop culture references. Shrek does. Not as much as Family Guy, but to the point where the whole "fairy tale" story took a backseat to Eddie Murphy being a jackass. Yes, I meant that in every sense.

0:43-0:48- Did not need to see a guy dancing in a speedo. Really didn't need it. 

0:48-0:53- Go America? Yeah? Still doesn't make sense. Are we trying to weed out the terrorists by finding people who didn't cheer at this ad and sending them to Gitmo?

0:53-0:55- Thank you, Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am.

0:55-1:02- What. WHAT. Come ON! All that (mostly) neat shit for one tiny, minuscule, pointless connection between the ages for PEPSFUCKINGI?! That's it, I'm out. 1 minute of completely worthless buildup to something expectedly cool but apparently ridamndiculous.

No ratings still, because this series is all about already being rated. 

Catch you guys next time, and glad to be back and writing these entries, even if they get me so riled up I want to punch something cute.

C'mere. Pow.

Where's Ian?

Right here, but I'm still taking a bit off. I have plenty of material (feel free to send in your requests, of course, to imadnauseam@gmail.com because your local stuff is probably just as bad as mine), but I'm actually working on a real website for this, in hopes of getting other material on here outside my rants. Better archiving, places to store the online ads I've found, etc.

Anyone with decent internet-knowhow? Hit me up, gimme some advice, all that sorta junk. I need it.

Until then, keep checkin' in, and I'll keep you updated on...um...updates.

Super Bowl's Best/Worst: Part One of Three

Why, oh why did I promise updates three days in a row?

Probably because I already had the ads? 

Today, we begin the top three AND bottom three ads from the '09 Super Bowl. First off, be forewarned: you may not agree with my choices or their places. I have my reasons, and I will do my best to state them, but as far as I remember, this is where I write and where you don't.

Except that one time I gave you guys a chance to voice your own opinions. But most of you failed to do so. Maybe if you did, I would be glad to post your own opinions on the Super Bowl ads (and you can in the comments), but until you learn what "audience participation" is, no soap box for you!

Except those that DID respond. You get privileges.

So, like I said, I will do my best to elaborate why I chose these 6 for best and worst. And we will always start with the "best" list. It's like having desert before dinner, except less fattening. Aw, who am I kidding? This is a calorie-packed blog.

#3 Best: Doh-ree-toes

Why: What's more funny than unexpected vanadalism? Unexpected nut shots. What's even funnier than that? Probably the other two ads I chose to be above this one.

Seriously, though, the action in this commercial came out of nowhere, PLUS I think it was fan written. I'm not sure, and I'm too lazy to look it up, but I'm pretty positive that Doritos had a contest for fan-created ads for the Super Bowl, and these fans did not disappoint.

Also, you may feel bad for the old guy who gets front row seats to The Nutcracker, but how often do you think he uses Lefty and Low Rider? Yeah, yeah, it's not funny to get hit in the nuts. But isn't it funny to watch someone else receive said treatment? Save your sympathy for things that aren't inherently hilarious.

Rewatching it, that initial crash is so jarring. And that makes it awesome. Destruction isn't as cool unless it sounds cool.

And, man, my balls are not a fan of this, but my balls also don't control my sense of humor. If you don't know what they control, then pay attention in health class. Also, no, I did not name my own testicles "Lefty and Low Rider." I assumed the old guy did. You don't get to know. The soap box is not for my duts.

If you don't know what duts are, then you also know I'm usually not this...vulgar? Profane, yes. Nut-discussing vulgar? Notsomuch.

Moving on from that train wreck.

#3 Worst: Cheetos.

Yes, it IS awesome that my #3's have rhyming products. It is also awesome that they are original bright orange. It is not awesome that this one sucks.

"But, Ian," you say, "I thought this one was funny! Why don't you?" 

Well, I was discussing this with my Jewish buddy, and yes, I have to say he's Jewish to just enhance the differences between he and I (Him and me? He and me? I and him and me and he and wheeeeee? Fuck it; don't care), he pointed out that he is "not sure why [the Cheetos] commercials are advocating destructive/antisocial behavior," and I have to agree with him wholeheartedly.

Okay, it started off harmless enough by throwing orange snack foods into a washer with all white. And by "harmless," I mean "fucking annoying and I don't care how someone treats you, you probably shouldn't ruin their whites, asshole...unless it's Hitler...then it's okay." 

Or, perhaps, this Cheetos ad where the guy puts the crunchy (and good even 6 months old, trust me) junkfood all over his coworkers cubicle, and he even crushes one between his Macbook's (or whatever Mac laptop it is) screen and trackpad. To cap it off, this guy appears to not just be a "neat freak," but rather OCD. It's one thing if someone has apparently wronged you, and we never see this guy wrong the Cheeto-eater. 

But the Super Bowl one. Okay, so the chatty woman is a huge bitch and an even bigger stereotype. Does that give Average-Gal a reason to entice pigeons into attacking her? Also, on that note, why the hell are the pigeons actually attacking her? No, I'm not from a big city, so we don't get a bunch of "flying rats" as people seem to call them, so I don't know if this is normal pigeon behavior, but would they really do that?

And what's worse is Chester Cheetah's apparent fetish from antisocial behavior. 

"Yes."

Did that not creep you out? It didn't? Then perhaps his "relationship" with the hooded pigeon at the end did. 

If it didn't, then congratulations, you have found a new way to spread the Bird Flu. Oh, don't play dumb with me, you birdophiliac. And no, I don't know what the actual word would be for someone who sexes up birds, but feel free to Google that. I'm sure you'll feel really good about yourself afterwards.

So, if you happened to enjoy a 30-second, Cheetos-driven version of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds," then you may not appreciate my choice, but this commercial is not funny or fun. I expect to be entertained by Super Bowl ads, and this one did not nondisappoint. It didn't appoint? Whatever, English majors feel free to snicker at me.

And if this is the one I only hated third worst, then what could I have in store for the other two? Probably ones you liked. So come on back tomorrow and Friday to have your tastes called into question!

No ratings, as I'm already rating them 3, 2, and 1. Don't wanna be too redundant several times repeating. 

Tune in tomorrow for the #2 best and worst of the Supah Bowl.

Didn't I just do this?

Alright, so I'm updating late again...but I still blame you slackers, mostly because I can. That, and for all you that read, you are terrible at actually reading.

But, I tire of waiting, so I'll give my own views on the Heineken ad and your own snippets I enjoyed later.

First off, I pose a question: Sometimes, you'll see a commercial, and then later, something is changed in that ad. It doesn't make it short enough to be a time edit, and the removed portion didn't seem offensive enough to warrant being cut, so why does it happen?

Examples: a recent Verizon ad.

Getting really tired of the Verizon guy getting paid so much for so little, but that's not the point. Instead, if you notice at 0:12, there's a line about his not-so-related-uncle not owing him money. In recent showings, this ad removed the "but he doesn't owe me money" and kept the rest of the dialogue. So, I thought, what warranted this? Are Italians known moochers? Doesn't everyone mooch, though, and even so, is that offensive? If the line was "but he's never whacked me," I'd understand. And for any mobster that reads this, I know nothin', so cool your jets, wise guy.

Was that mafiaesque enough?

Another thought that occurred: is our crappy economy related to this, just because a lack of money was implied? If so, are you people fucked up? Would that line be that offensive to those out of work? 

Then, a final thought came to me: cell phone commercials, for the most part, are garbage, so of course they do dumb shit like this.

A more understood example: remember my bitching about Alltel and Herschman? Well, I believe I mentioned that Verizon had bought Alltel (if I didn't, pretend I did). 

Notice someone missing? Is it not who you expected? If that's true, then who the balls did you expect? I just hinted heavily at what would happen.

This commercial, and the one involving a garbage truck hostage situation (that gets resolved very poorly, but I couldn't find it and bitch about it, so fuck that) both had the Verizon redhead in it. As you can see, he's been edited out, or the scenes were reshot. This is an example of logic, and I wish it applied to all ads. But it never will. Not while I'm alive. Companies unintentionally spite me. It's a hunch.

But, that was all meant for you to ponder on. Watch commercials, keep them in your mind, and take note of any that seem to change for little-to-no reason. Cutting one from 30 seconds to 10 is not a "little-to-no reason" but rather super logical, so keep sharp. 

Now, for the real entry. I do wish this one would be cut from 30 to 0 seconds, but we can't all get what we wish for (sorry, Arizona).

Lemme point out one positive within this: the synchronization is spectacular between the Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, and African actors all portraying the same guy.

Now let me point out that I don't have a FUCKING clue what this is all about.

Seriously. The white guy's getting a tailored suit from what I assume is a generally skilled Asian (by the by, if I get these ethnicities wrong, don't mind me. I'm uncultured and uncouth). This I understand. We're on a good, logical path.

And then it goes to hell.

First off, the real guy doesn't seem to notice/care that he has three ethnic reflections. And, if he's used to it, then what does he see when he only has one mirror or reflecting surface at a time? Eskimo? Indian? Merman? If it's the third, then awesome, but still, what the fuck.

Secondly, how come only one of them gets Skittles? Reparations, people!

Yeah, this is where I lock my door before I get beat down. I expect it. Having black friends doesn't mean I can make black jokes. You'd think I would understand this by now, but I apparently haven't.

Thirdly, how's about a language your target audience can understand? Sure, there will be a few who understand whatever language that is (remember: can't point out true ethnicities), but this is an American commercial, where the majority of us speak English. What, you didn't know that? Are you Canadian? 

Oh, you are? Then welcome to an American blog about awful American (and sometimes South African, British, and Japanese) commercials! Thank you for being the clean USA, Canada.

Still, if we knew what they were saying/shouting, maybe this commercial would be better. I'm not betting on it, but hey, everyone deserves a shot, right? No, not you, Herschman. Never you.

But, alas, we know nothing of their shouting match, nor why he has Skittles, or why there are so many versions of this nerdy white guy. 

I do have a clue why he kicks the mirror out. Wait, no, I don't. I don't get ANYTHING in this ad. He kicks it out of anger? Greed? Being a karate master? You keep being stereotypes, and I'll keep being stereotypical.

Man, I'm awful.

Anyway, the thing that bugs the hell out of most would happen to be the tailor's coy laughter at the end. "Oh, it's okay, strange personality traits ALWAYS kick out my mirrors. It just means we're having a sale! A 'I Know Kung Fu' sale. Because I like The Matrix!" This is how my mind travels.

Related, this commercial does have a shorter version, and while it doesn't make much more sense, it DOES take out the entire dialogue between tailor and Bruce Lee. At least we don't have to attempt to decipher the rather pointless argument.

And yes, if you go to the actual Youtube site for this commercial, people "translated" it in the comments. But that's just it: Youtube comments. Take them for what they're good for*.

*Absolutely nothin'. Thanks, Edwin Starr.

Not getting your regular matings*? Then here are your ratings!

*Sexings-ups

-Whitey: No, you're not eating Skittles. Here are 4 Shittles, though. Not as tasty, but they do come in the color Brown. And I come in the color Classy.

-Tailor: Is this like Poltergeist? Did you build your clothing store on top of an Indian burial ground? You did? Then why are Indians one of the few races not represented here? -2 Logic points.

-Mirror guys: You shouldn't exist, so neither do your points.

-MARS Snacks: That's twice you've wronged me with Skittles ads. Make it three and we'll see what happens. It has to do with the phrase "Taste the Rainbow." Except "Rainbow" will stand for "Ramming an icicle near breathing organs, WOW!" It's not catchy, but it will be painful, and that's all I ask.

To make up for my crappy updating, I'll be doing a Super Bowl series Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of this week. They should feature two different countdowns: my 3 favorite ads and the 3 worst from this past Super Bowl. We'll start with the 3rd best and worst and work our way from there. Subject to change if I can't find anything to bitch about (hint: I will find many things).

Until then, imadnauseam@gmail.com: because you still haven't.

It really IS the pits! HAW!

Yeah, so I'm still withholding my Heineken rant because three, count 'em, three of you have responded. There are plenty more of you who are just as irritable as I am AND that read this, so why the balls aren't you throwing your hat in the ring, too? 

But I digress. Actually, no, I don't. I'm perfectly on the point, here, people, and that point is that you. Are. Slackers. So step it up and gimme a 5-line rant unless you think it's dumb to do so. And if it is, then why are you reading? And if you say "well, I'm not reading," then you are both dumb for reading AND a liar whose pants may be afire as they possibly hang from nothing else but a telephone wire.

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Email it, people, with a response. If you don't want your name posted, then I won't post your name, and I also won't post your post if I don't like your post. 5 posts. Make it 6. 

But to today's ad(s) of choice! It combines two things men love: sports and sweating.

Except there's no sweating, and the sports are all about still pictures with a moving mouth. Sorry if I spoiled the commercials. 

We start off with the sexy.

For those unfamiliar with Chris Paul, he is steals and assists leader. What does "assist" mean here? It means "to pass the ball to another player, enabling them to score a basket." Wait, what does "basket" mean here? It's where you score in basketball. What's "basketball," you ask? I was going to ask if you were from China, but even they love basketball. Learn to watch sports, nerds. 

Anywho, as you can see here, CP3, as he is known throughout the NBA (Nasketball Bational Association, for all you care if I spell right or not), is not very...active, which is the opposite of how he is on the court. Yes, I want you to watch a basketball game before reading these things.

But, since it's not really Chris Paul, or CP3, we shall let CP3 stand for...um...Crappy Picture...3. Because he's still got the three fingers up? Not all of them are perfect, people, but at least I try (AHEM).

Since I've already kept track of my "post" count (7), might as well point out that the word "sexy," which really should be kept away from commercials focusing on the word "pits" (3), was said 9 times. That's right. Nine sexys, five powers, four perfects, and three pits. No partridge in a pear tree because A) I tire of the "p" alliteration, and B) hey, it might be Chinese New Year, but it's not Chinese Christmas. I don't think there IS a Chinese Christmas, but then again, I don't really care to find out. No offense, China, but I'm not you.

So, ladies, may I ask: do you find CP3 sexy? You do? Is it reeeeeally because of his pits? It is? 

Get the fuck out of my bar. We don't appreciate your pit-lovin' kind around here. 

Michael Jordan had a bunch of great ads, LeBron's ads are also very entertaining (albeit everywhere), and then...this. CorpoPhiliac3 did not make the right choice when selling his image.

Oh, but there's a second one, because just one pits commercial wouldn't do it.

Before you ask: no, they can't even keep the same voice actor for another commercial.  Sure, one's about sexiness (what sexiness?) and this one's about intensity (also curious as to where that may be), but if a vocal actor doesn't have the range to be both sexy AND intense (last I checked, I found them to go hand-in-hand, unless you are that boring in bed, and you may be, and I won't judge you unless you are a commercial, and then that's weird that you're reading this)...I lost my train of thought.

Oh, right! If a voice actor can't be both sexy AND intense, then how the fuck are they acting in anything?

Anywho, to the ad itself. First off, Chris Paul is only 6 foot tall, so yeah, it's possible for him to dunk, and he has dunked, it's more likely that he'd go for the layup, or even a no-look pass (GO WATCH), but it's okay, because he's brought his pits! Fuck the ball, he doesn't need that for a dunk (hint: he does), he's got his pits!

And, of course, if I did have a scratch-n-sniff TV (I do, don't worry), I wouldn't really utilize that feature for basketball.

You would? Didn't I just kick your ass outta my bar a few minutes ago? I'll get the guns. I call them Mr. Fist and Sergeant-at-arms! FLEX.

Fucking-A, I don't care about someone's fucking armpits! Yes, I wear deoderant. Why? Because I want you to avoid smelling mine! And sure, you can say he wants you to smell them because he knows they don't reek, thanks to Right Guard. But you forget that the real Chris Paul isn't C-myPits3, so you also forget that CumPump3 (yeah, I can say that) has an armpit fetish and wants you to "get-on-up-in-'der." You unlucky sonofabitch.

And, thankfully, Right Guard tries to add a nice little tag line at the end. And by "nice," I mean they talk about someone's armpits being cuddly. 

Seriously, people. Cats and dogs can be cuddly. Blankets are cuddly. Anything fluffy, fuzzy, soft, snuggly, etc. can be cuddly. Anything that is usually covered in an intense amount of sweat and is usually found in a crease on your body will more-than-likely not be cuddly. Get those thoughts out of your head.

Ratings and Reekings:

-The real Chris Paul: Thanks for playing great basketball. A triple-double for you. Oh, but make it a double-double because I'm taking away all your assists for selling your image to this. Don't know what I mean by anything-double? WATCH SOME DAMN SPORTS!

-CunnilingusPor3 (a menage-a-suck, if you will): I give you 1 pit point. You may redeem it by getting a better fetish. Granted, I don't want to know about it, so use it discretely. If I see an ad about your arousal toward humping light bulb fixtures, our friendship is over. Of course, it never began, but still.

-Right Guard: You are the wrong guard. See what I did there? See how you also don't get any points? Yep.

Catch you Friday. And I better catch you responding to the DIY post.

Slackers!

So you guys are terrible at actually reading what I asked you to do.

So, for that, I shan't write today's entry!

Well, rather, I'm recovering from a drink-laden weekend, but I really do want you people to respond to the DIY post. If you feel shy and that it's embarassing to do what I do (thanks a lot, jerks), then post it as Anonymous. 

I also won't say who it was if you email me and I see your real name and would rather not have your name attached, but 2 posts is not enough posts. So hop to it!

imadnauseam@gmail.com or just comment on the DIY post and be me. Or be you. Just be mad. Or if you like it, be happy, yet misguided.

DIY!

As much as I love bitching at/toward/near you people about bad advertising, I figured I'd try something different, a once-a-month deal. I'm going to let YOU give me a 5-sentence description in my comments OR email me at imadnauseam@gmail.com and I will post my favorite 3 on Monday along with my regular post.

No, this isn't me being lazy. Trust me, I have enough to say about this ad, and I may just make it my Monday massacre, but for now, I want to get your thoughts.

Also, if you don't comment? Yeah, I'm-a hate you. And this will end up being a boring idea when it's rather awesome. Why? Because I made it and you love it.

Anywho, let's see what you got.

So if you read this, gimme your own 5-sentence rant in the comments, email me, IM me, whatever you kids do nowadays, and I will choose my favorite 3 for Monday. Don't work too blue, and keep it clever.

Or just be mad. It's how I do my thing.

DO IT!

Whatsurance?

Hello, you fantastic people. How are you today? Isn't it lovely out? Sure, it may be cold, but is the snow not glorious? Even though the birds are away, can't you hear them chirping anyway?

You know why I'm happy and you should be, too. If you're not, then poop on you, spoilsport. Let us have our fun.

But, business is business, and I'm not paid to talk nice about things. I'm also not paid. Therein lies the question: why do I do this? 

Answer is simple: I'm pretty awesome. Do you disagree? Go ahead and write an Anti-Ian blog. Just make sure to link here and say how stupid this place is so people can come and read and give me more hits and get hooked make me feel bad about myself.

So what's on the board for today's "discussion?" Esurance. Now, I know you probably have an idea on what services Esurance offers. Let me show you these ads and see if you don't change your mind. 

One!

Alright, class, from evidence here, what would you say Esurance does?

Did someone say they offer auto insurance quotes, and a quick-and-easy way to find them? Oh, I'm sorry. I want an answer from the overwhelming evidence in the commercial, and I fail to see one car in this ad.

What, you say? There are robots? Yes, but do cars play basketball? No. Did they in the movie Cars? I don't know. Didn't see it. It was a movie about living cars. Not exactly fantastic viewing, and one of Pixar's worst ideas. Fish? Yes. Toys? Awesome. Cars? Fuck you.

The correct answer on Esurance's offers could've been any of the following: basketball camp with robotic trainers, a referee abuse support group, an attempt to make the WNBA look good, a class on awful puns, a trailer for a Charlie's Angels sequel, or a razor specifically made to shave your facial hair and form a pornostache. Any of these would've been acceptable. 

But you either listened to what they said or checked their website. Unfortunately, a lot of people are visual learners, and while the services they appear to offer are mostly awesome (sorry, can't grow my own pornostache), they obviously have nothing to do with cars or insurance.

But, hey, maybe the next one will help!

A-two?

Alright, class, let's see if you learned anything from the last question. 

NO. It's NOT about auto insurance. Yes, I heard the guy reading about such protection from the dictionary. He even called it a "dictionary of auto insurance terms." What regular dictionary is that big, much less one narrowed down to only that vocabulary? No, it's obviously just a cover for the commercial's true intentions.

What should've been your immediate reaction: a new film starring a hot cartoon chick and a stuck up, real life guy. Who Framed Jessica Rabbit?, perhaps? Also, more pun lessons.

Like I said: visual. I want to see cars. Safe Auto usually has them, Geico...well, we already ripped them apart, didn't we? 

No, no, no, don't read back. You may see something along the lines of me saying I like other Geico ads, i.e. with the cavemen or Geico gecko. You'd just be hallucinating, trust me. Just take my word today, shall we? We shall.

We shalln't? Aw...

Still, we're trying to learn what these commercials provide via the evidence from them, and talk is cheap. More cars.

A-three! KRNSCH. A-three.

Last chance, pupils. This question only has one possible answer. What is Esurance--wait, scratch that. What did Unsurance (this is where you sit in awe at my cleveritude) showcase this round?

NO. NOT AUTO INSURANCE COVERAGE. Close, though.

They DO offer insurance, but only to flying machines powered by hippie music and with the ability to grow grass on oil drills.

Yes, people, in reality, Unsurance is an eco-friendly insurance provider. I don't know what being eco-friendly has to do with the insurance so much as the cars themselves, but hey, who's arguing?

I am. Me. This guy. I am doing the arguing.

To be fair, I don't hate these ads. I do find them visually captivating. I just find them actually uninformative. I don't care if some dusty ol' faux British guy recites the definition, I want to see car damage in action. Don't want anyone hurt (except for Herschman), but I want some indication on what the commercials are for. What if I was deaf, and these commercials didn't provide closed captioning? And then what if I didn't have the internet so I couldn't look it up online?

Wait. Can the deaf drive? And, if they can, can the internetless drive? I'd think you couldn't do anything until you learned to have the internet. It's a crime to be without auto insurance (yeah, these commercials are illegal, so keep it on the down low...low down? Which one?), and it's a crime to be sans-interwubs.

If you want quick and easy ratings, just go to http://www.unsurance.com and click on the "This Site Doesn't Exist" button.

Dumbability: Is it the ability to be dumb? We'll find out!

Remember when I said I'd update on the weekend? Good. Then remember when I lied about it because this is going up Monday? You do now.

Yeah, so I skipped the "real" update, but from what I gather, you liked Friday's quickie, so I slacked off a bit and got my anger all pent up for today.

And what better to dive into but a Bud Light commercial, but before we do, think about the Budweiser commercials you've seen. The Budweiser frogs, the Budweiser Clydesdales (horses, smartie), Whazzaup, Real Men of Genius, etc. All good ads, right? Memorable, funny, and usually they show up during the Superbowl, which is kinda neat. 

Speaking of which, prepare for me to rip apart bad Superbowl ads. Those are just uncalled for.

But then...

...there's Bud Light. Light on calories, light on entertainment.

Let's be fair; the map thing is pretty cool and could've been used for shloads of funny. Instead, it was used for anything but.

Let's look at the "facts" of this commercial, shall we?

41% of the people polled (hint: I don't think they polled anyone, much less the people on the set) thought "drinkability" meant "the ability to drink." Got that?

26% thought it meant "easy to swallow." Candle wax seems like it'd be easy to swallow. Is it drinkable? We'll get to that in a second.

One guy in Boston. That's a percent now, right? Every single opinion should be listed on this poll, correct? Fuckin' A, people. Yeah, they tried to be funny with that one, but they didn't really succeed. At all.

So, from those "facts," we get the answers from 67andoneguy%. The other 22andnineguys% either had no opinion, or, like me, had a very strong statement against dumb shit like this. I was a oneguy%.

So, Anheuser-Busch, what does it mean? "Just the right taste."

Hold up, lemme just check the Merriam-Webster site...

Yeah, you're right, Bud Light. You are spot fuckin' on.

Or, let's just copy and paste the actual entry right here:

Main Entry:

¹drink·able 

Pronunciation:

\ˈdriŋ-kə-bəl\

Function:

adjective

Date:

1611

: suitable or safe for drinking

— drink·abil·i·ty \ˌdriŋ-kə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun

So, what we've learned here is that Bud Light's been defining things wrong since 2008, while actual dictionaries are awesome. Also, no, candle wax may be able to be swallowed, but, according to M-W, it isn't exactly "drinkable" or doesn't have "drinkability." I did thing it had just the right taste, though. I would also recommend Bleach the ad geniuses at Bud Light, as I believe they'd find it has just the right taste.

At least Captain Caughtoffguard (who never asked what drinkability meant, Sergeant Fuckstick, but thanks for giving him the wrong answer so he'll fail his vocab exam tomorrow) is right on the map. It is a nice map. But why does someone who doesn't deserve nice things have it?

Feel free to note Lieutenant Disinterested on the couch to your right, as he's just there to get drunk and is sick of all these English lessons.

And thanks, Lt. FS, as being the worst wingman ever. Last I checked, friends don't let other friends cockblock when hot women are involved. Beer goggle worthy women, sure, but not hot ones, and I'm not drunk right now, so I can tell you, without a doubt, that the side of that lady is smokin'.

Oh, be quiet, girls, you feel the same way about us guys and waking up next to one after a night of partying. Everyone gets a walk of shame.

Also, how do I know that Lt. Fuckstick ruined everything with his dumbass "bunny ears" move? Because that girl is anti-furry. She knows the ins-and-outs of the interweb, and she is not down with Peter Cottontail. Doesn't rhyme, but works.

But wait! Here's more!

We get yet another wrong definition! Yaaaay! Well, wrong unless the definition changed since last I checked the site.

Nope, still the same. 

Yeah, still the same now, too.

"Drinkability" does NOT mean being a light drink. That's why you're "Bud Light" and not "Budrinkable." Though that's an awesome name. Feel free to use that, Anheuser-Busch, but I expect royalties. And only if you read up on what words mean once in a while.

But that's not even my biggest problem this time. Maybe the fact that this guy says baba ghanoush is her personal favorite festival food and then goes on to say, not 3 fucking seconds later, that he has no idea what it is and, in fact, likes it because it sounds cool. I hope he's allergic to eggplant.

Baba ghanoush is made of eggplant. There's the punchline. 

Okay, so the last little bit made me chuckle the first time I saw, and I hate to admit it, BUT! Ever since then, I've loathed that guy in his Panama hat. I think that's a Panama hat. I don't wear anything but a Kangol hat, so sue me for being stylish and pretending I'm Samuel L. Jackson.

This is all just disappointing because, like I said, Budweiser makes awesome ads for TV, radio, and print, but Anheuser-Busch really skimps on ads for its other beverages. Oh, it also really skimps on making beer that tastes good. Sorry, Budweiser, but you may be cheap, but you also suck pretty bad. I'll stick with Keystone for my cheap beer. Probably because it goes down smooth. That means it has drinkability, people.

No, it doesn't. That was a test. You failed!

Ratings are not necessary, as I don't think Bud Light knows what "rating*" means. 

*Main Entry: rating

Function:

noun

Date:

2009

1. The just-right sound that occurs when you twist off the cap of a cool, refreshing Bud Light.

2. The satisfaction stemming from crushing a can of Bud Light after finishing it off before your manly friends, thus propelling yourself to the spot of Alpha Male.