Whatsurance?

Hello, you fantastic people. How are you today? Isn't it lovely out? Sure, it may be cold, but is the snow not glorious? Even though the birds are away, can't you hear them chirping anyway?

You know why I'm happy and you should be, too. If you're not, then poop on you, spoilsport. Let us have our fun.

But, business is business, and I'm not paid to talk nice about things. I'm also not paid. Therein lies the question: why do I do this? 

Answer is simple: I'm pretty awesome. Do you disagree? Go ahead and write an Anti-Ian blog. Just make sure to link here and say how stupid this place is so people can come and read and give me more hits and get hooked make me feel bad about myself.

So what's on the board for today's "discussion?" Esurance. Now, I know you probably have an idea on what services Esurance offers. Let me show you these ads and see if you don't change your mind. 

One!

Alright, class, from evidence here, what would you say Esurance does?

Did someone say they offer auto insurance quotes, and a quick-and-easy way to find them? Oh, I'm sorry. I want an answer from the overwhelming evidence in the commercial, and I fail to see one car in this ad.

What, you say? There are robots? Yes, but do cars play basketball? No. Did they in the movie Cars? I don't know. Didn't see it. It was a movie about living cars. Not exactly fantastic viewing, and one of Pixar's worst ideas. Fish? Yes. Toys? Awesome. Cars? Fuck you.

The correct answer on Esurance's offers could've been any of the following: basketball camp with robotic trainers, a referee abuse support group, an attempt to make the WNBA look good, a class on awful puns, a trailer for a Charlie's Angels sequel, or a razor specifically made to shave your facial hair and form a pornostache. Any of these would've been acceptable. 

But you either listened to what they said or checked their website. Unfortunately, a lot of people are visual learners, and while the services they appear to offer are mostly awesome (sorry, can't grow my own pornostache), they obviously have nothing to do with cars or insurance.

But, hey, maybe the next one will help!

A-two?

Alright, class, let's see if you learned anything from the last question. 

NO. It's NOT about auto insurance. Yes, I heard the guy reading about such protection from the dictionary. He even called it a "dictionary of auto insurance terms." What regular dictionary is that big, much less one narrowed down to only that vocabulary? No, it's obviously just a cover for the commercial's true intentions.

What should've been your immediate reaction: a new film starring a hot cartoon chick and a stuck up, real life guy. Who Framed Jessica Rabbit?, perhaps? Also, more pun lessons.

Like I said: visual. I want to see cars. Safe Auto usually has them, Geico...well, we already ripped them apart, didn't we? 

No, no, no, don't read back. You may see something along the lines of me saying I like other Geico ads, i.e. with the cavemen or Geico gecko. You'd just be hallucinating, trust me. Just take my word today, shall we? We shall.

We shalln't? Aw...

Still, we're trying to learn what these commercials provide via the evidence from them, and talk is cheap. More cars.

A-three! KRNSCH. A-three.

Last chance, pupils. This question only has one possible answer. What is Esurance--wait, scratch that. What did Unsurance (this is where you sit in awe at my cleveritude) showcase this round?

NO. NOT AUTO INSURANCE COVERAGE. Close, though.

They DO offer insurance, but only to flying machines powered by hippie music and with the ability to grow grass on oil drills.

Yes, people, in reality, Unsurance is an eco-friendly insurance provider. I don't know what being eco-friendly has to do with the insurance so much as the cars themselves, but hey, who's arguing?

I am. Me. This guy. I am doing the arguing.

To be fair, I don't hate these ads. I do find them visually captivating. I just find them actually uninformative. I don't care if some dusty ol' faux British guy recites the definition, I want to see car damage in action. Don't want anyone hurt (except for Herschman), but I want some indication on what the commercials are for. What if I was deaf, and these commercials didn't provide closed captioning? And then what if I didn't have the internet so I couldn't look it up online?

Wait. Can the deaf drive? And, if they can, can the internetless drive? I'd think you couldn't do anything until you learned to have the internet. It's a crime to be without auto insurance (yeah, these commercials are illegal, so keep it on the down low...low down? Which one?), and it's a crime to be sans-interwubs.

If you want quick and easy ratings, just go to http://www.unsurance.com and click on the "This Site Doesn't Exist" button.