It really IS the pits! HAW!

Yeah, so I'm still withholding my Heineken rant because three, count 'em, three of you have responded. There are plenty more of you who are just as irritable as I am AND that read this, so why the balls aren't you throwing your hat in the ring, too? 

But I digress. Actually, no, I don't. I'm perfectly on the point, here, people, and that point is that you. Are. Slackers. So step it up and gimme a 5-line rant unless you think it's dumb to do so. And if it is, then why are you reading? And if you say "well, I'm not reading," then you are both dumb for reading AND a liar whose pants may be afire as they possibly hang from nothing else but a telephone wire.

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Imadnauseam@gmail.com

Email it, people, with a response. If you don't want your name posted, then I won't post your name, and I also won't post your post if I don't like your post. 5 posts. Make it 6. 

But to today's ad(s) of choice! It combines two things men love: sports and sweating.

Except there's no sweating, and the sports are all about still pictures with a moving mouth. Sorry if I spoiled the commercials. 

We start off with the sexy.

For those unfamiliar with Chris Paul, he is steals and assists leader. What does "assist" mean here? It means "to pass the ball to another player, enabling them to score a basket." Wait, what does "basket" mean here? It's where you score in basketball. What's "basketball," you ask? I was going to ask if you were from China, but even they love basketball. Learn to watch sports, nerds. 

Anywho, as you can see here, CP3, as he is known throughout the NBA (Nasketball Bational Association, for all you care if I spell right or not), is not very...active, which is the opposite of how he is on the court. Yes, I want you to watch a basketball game before reading these things.

But, since it's not really Chris Paul, or CP3, we shall let CP3 stand for...um...Crappy Picture...3. Because he's still got the three fingers up? Not all of them are perfect, people, but at least I try (AHEM).

Since I've already kept track of my "post" count (7), might as well point out that the word "sexy," which really should be kept away from commercials focusing on the word "pits" (3), was said 9 times. That's right. Nine sexys, five powers, four perfects, and three pits. No partridge in a pear tree because A) I tire of the "p" alliteration, and B) hey, it might be Chinese New Year, but it's not Chinese Christmas. I don't think there IS a Chinese Christmas, but then again, I don't really care to find out. No offense, China, but I'm not you.

So, ladies, may I ask: do you find CP3 sexy? You do? Is it reeeeeally because of his pits? It is? 

Get the fuck out of my bar. We don't appreciate your pit-lovin' kind around here. 

Michael Jordan had a bunch of great ads, LeBron's ads are also very entertaining (albeit everywhere), and then...this. CorpoPhiliac3 did not make the right choice when selling his image.

Oh, but there's a second one, because just one pits commercial wouldn't do it.

Before you ask: no, they can't even keep the same voice actor for another commercial.  Sure, one's about sexiness (what sexiness?) and this one's about intensity (also curious as to where that may be), but if a vocal actor doesn't have the range to be both sexy AND intense (last I checked, I found them to go hand-in-hand, unless you are that boring in bed, and you may be, and I won't judge you unless you are a commercial, and then that's weird that you're reading this)...I lost my train of thought.

Oh, right! If a voice actor can't be both sexy AND intense, then how the fuck are they acting in anything?

Anywho, to the ad itself. First off, Chris Paul is only 6 foot tall, so yeah, it's possible for him to dunk, and he has dunked, it's more likely that he'd go for the layup, or even a no-look pass (GO WATCH), but it's okay, because he's brought his pits! Fuck the ball, he doesn't need that for a dunk (hint: he does), he's got his pits!

And, of course, if I did have a scratch-n-sniff TV (I do, don't worry), I wouldn't really utilize that feature for basketball.

You would? Didn't I just kick your ass outta my bar a few minutes ago? I'll get the guns. I call them Mr. Fist and Sergeant-at-arms! FLEX.

Fucking-A, I don't care about someone's fucking armpits! Yes, I wear deoderant. Why? Because I want you to avoid smelling mine! And sure, you can say he wants you to smell them because he knows they don't reek, thanks to Right Guard. But you forget that the real Chris Paul isn't C-myPits3, so you also forget that CumPump3 (yeah, I can say that) has an armpit fetish and wants you to "get-on-up-in-'der." You unlucky sonofabitch.

And, thankfully, Right Guard tries to add a nice little tag line at the end. And by "nice," I mean they talk about someone's armpits being cuddly. 

Seriously, people. Cats and dogs can be cuddly. Blankets are cuddly. Anything fluffy, fuzzy, soft, snuggly, etc. can be cuddly. Anything that is usually covered in an intense amount of sweat and is usually found in a crease on your body will more-than-likely not be cuddly. Get those thoughts out of your head.

Ratings and Reekings:

-The real Chris Paul: Thanks for playing great basketball. A triple-double for you. Oh, but make it a double-double because I'm taking away all your assists for selling your image to this. Don't know what I mean by anything-double? WATCH SOME DAMN SPORTS!

-CunnilingusPor3 (a menage-a-suck, if you will): I give you 1 pit point. You may redeem it by getting a better fetish. Granted, I don't want to know about it, so use it discretely. If I see an ad about your arousal toward humping light bulb fixtures, our friendship is over. Of course, it never began, but still.

-Right Guard: You are the wrong guard. See what I did there? See how you also don't get any points? Yep.

Catch you Friday. And I better catch you responding to the DIY post.