Who's got two thumbs and lied?

Yeah, so I'm trying to learn more about komp-yoo-tear things which are INTEGRAL to the conclusion, so you get NOTHING. You LOSE! Good DAY, sir!

Well, not entirely true, but you don't get the conclusion to the Fuckwad vs. The King battle...yet.

Oh, and Happy New Year's/Years'/Yearses Eve. Go get drunk or don't.

Let's get right into this long one.

Now this was partly a request, but I've been meaning to find this and give it what for (yes, welcome to the 1920s again). It's just full of all sorts of "fun" and "exciting" thing for a product that we all would "love" to "have." "Right?"

I get "paid" by the quotation mark, "people."

Remember English class when you studied poetry, rhyme schemes, stuff like that? Good. Remember the time other kids had to read theirs aloud, and while some were good and some were obviously just putting words in some order to get a passing grade, there was the one kid who thought rhyming was necessary no matter how corny? Remember that the rhythm was off and the message was terrible and you all laughed at him/her (if it was you...well, sucks to be you then)?

Remember when they got hired to write for a commercial?

This product is made by ASM, as you can see in the corner you're trying to look at because you can't just look away from this train wreck, but you can avert your gaze. Now, I tried to find out what ASM meant and how it was related to the Snuggie. Assistant Stage Manager, a Java bytecode, a wafer processor, even American Society for Microbiology. All seem pretty related to Snuggie, right?

Because I can't find what it means, and because every website I go to with Snuggie actually plays this God-forsaken ad every. Fucking. Time...well, then we get to be crass and call it the Ass-Slapping Mungers. I think I was born this classy, people.

Now back to yelling about the commercial itself.

We've seen worse advertised things on TV before, right? I mean, at least Billy Mays isn't piercing our eardrums with this nonsense.

But, even without the Maysinator, we are left with 2 minutes of trash. Yep. You just watched 2 whole minutes of people who are having the time of their life in that thing.

And what is it? A blanket with sleeves? For $14.Fucking95 cents? WHAT A FUCKING BARGAIN!

Or maybe, just maybe, you could pull out your bathrobe and wear it backwards. You even get a sash with that one. Or, hey! Why not wear your bathrobe forward like a normal person? Nah, too much sense. With all that sense (read: cents [read: pun]) you could buy a Snuggie and bypass all that logic! Hurrah!

Okay, so I'm still not touching on the commercial itself, but this product is so ricockulous that it's hard to not point it out even though the dumbest person reading this knows it. Are you the dumbest person reading this? That's up for me to point out and you to sulk at.

So why don't we go by this a step at a time, shall we? I'll even give you time markers for your convenience! And that's not all! You'll also get rage fueled from a Cavalier loss! Yeah, I'm from Cleveland, and our sports are the number one cause for heart and head trauma. 

But to the thing or whatnot! Again!

0:00 to 0:12- Yeah, we already touched on the rhyming and how it makes you yearn for Leonard Nimoy's "fantastic" poetry. Sorry, Spock, but you're not cut out for ottava rima quite yet. But the points I wanna touch on here? When they said "slip and slide," did you not think of that summer toy from your childhood? So did I and how it knocked the wind out of me every time. And that just pissed me off more.

Oh, also, note how that blonde bimbo (I'm blonde, too, deal with it) hurled that blanket off of her. She could've gotten the phone without that flail, but nope. Gotta sell it. And it didn't sell. Hopefully not, at least.

0:12 to 0:30- Note how happy everyone is to be looking like Idiot of the Year! Goofiest smile gets a bonus*! Actually, notice the John McCain stunt double. He looks pissed to be doing this, but that presidential victory left bills unpaid, so you've gotta make your money somehow.

*At the cost of your dignity.

0:30 to 0:39- Ultra Warm Fleece, which is in no way different than any other fleece! It's just sown into a pathetic form. Congratulations on your "Worst Purchase Ever" achievement. Because oversized sleeves is a good thing, right? 

0:39 to 0:41- Of course it's a good thing! It lets these failures look like either a colorblind Jedi or a KKK member who put their robes in with the colors. Whoa. Pun totally unintended and yet still offensive. Yikes. Note how I'm not getting rid of it because that may have been my "best" joke so far.

0:41 to 0:57- Blah, blah, blah, more activities you can do while looking like a Halloween party reject. But Backgammon? Does anyone actually know how to play that game? I asked Jeeves and even he had no fucking clue. Wait, does Ask Jeeves still exist? Am I behind on the interweb times?

0:57 to 1:01- But fuck you, babies and dogs! No Snuggie for you!

1:01 to 1:08- Okay, the Snuggie by a campfire isn't a bad idea. You know, if you don't realize you're next to a fucking fire which is the epitome of keeping you warm. Here's hoping those things are extra flammable. And then wear them to a soccer game in America! I assume it's soccer and not in any other country because if it were football, basketball (yes, outside, asshole), baseball, hockey, badminton, or especially soccer where they like soccer, your ass would've been stomped when you showed up with your Snuggie, even though your brought tofu burgers for everyone, you yuppie shit. Also note how the girl can't get her arms through. Convenient product. And, of course, wear it in a dorm and see how many friends you make at college. Take your time, I know it's hard to count to zero.

1:08 to 1:14- If this thing was dry clean only, good luck at finding a cleaners that won't laugh you out of their store.

1:14 to 1:20- Haven't we seen all these shots more than we'd like? Yes, "one time" is more than we'd like, but you catch my drift.

1:20 to wait, this thing's still going? Fuck! 1:28- They have competitors? Good fucking butts. Thankfully this embarrassment only costs you the same amount it'd cost to get a decent bathrobe at any store ever, but we went through that and Ass-Slapping Mungers did not get the memo.

1:28 to 1:42- Fuck yes, three colors to hide your shame in! And fuck yes, reading light that has nothing to with a blanket outside the fact you can read while wearing this atrocity! I can also read while having sex, but do I? Are they selling sex with 2 minute long ads now? Can you show me where you found this awesome idea? Actually, to be fair, that light looks pretty sweet with its robotosity going on. I'm sure you could use it to play pretend Star Wars as hinted at before, but fuck that, I want that thing. I'll pay the $14.95. You can keep your ass blanket, I want that light.

1:42 to the end of the ad as we know it, and I feel like shiiiiiiit- $75 value. You're kidding, I hope. First off, "value" is not the word you would associate with this thing. "Fecal," yes. Value, fuck no. You also get to wait 2-6 weeks, which gives you ample time to realize what a mistake you've made. Though, if you can use that 30-day money-back guarantee to just send back the Fuggie (finally picked something) and keep that light, then maybe it'd be worth it. No...no, putting that on a credit card statement is a scar for life. You can't weasel your way out of that one.

And you made it. Lucky you. Pour one out for the many that could not survive that war between your brain and all that is suck.

I'd give individuals ratings, but every single person in that ad, associated with that product, or ever even called the number to do anything but laugh/complain gets 3467 thumbs down. find 1733.5 people and ask them kindly to turn down their thumbs. Do it for the good of mankind.

We'll see what happens Friday, whether it be Norton Friday or the conclusion to our Battle de las Creepas.

I'm pissed and I'm out.

Battle of the Creepy

Welcome back. Did you enjoy your holidays? Did you get what you wanted for Christmas?

No, you didn't, because I took the end of the week off. 

But I'm back, so deal with it. Back from enjoying some beers, some gaming, some Wii Fit (combining exercise and fun is like combining a product and portraying it on TV with my approval: rare, but awesome), and some other stuff, including both Jon Stewart's and Stephen Colbert's books, which both happen to be full of snark. It's quite the recharge.

So let's dive into what will be a comparison of creepiness between a well-recognized advertising gimmick and a brand new character from a company which just piles on the unnecessary cast members.

We begin with the challenger: Geico!

The Geico Gecko: thumbs up. The Cavemen: thumbs up when they aren't forced into a sitcom. Remember that cartoon based off the Budweiser frogs? Yeah, me neither, because Budweiser wasn't a fuckwit. The celebrity colorful descriptions: mostly thumbs up.

A wad of money with googly eyes that don't google (the jiggly sense, not the interweb search sense, of course): thumbs-up-the-butt, a.k.a. thumbs down or thumb screws.

Let's see...put a haughty bitch with lots of pearls (probably from her husband back in the day when he gave a fuck about her) flirting with someone until a Chinese stereotype waiter explains it's money. 

Yes, you dumb bitch, you were flirting with the Benjamins or Jacksons or whatever lingo for cash is hip today. And you gave your husband a huge stink eye for what, taking you to a nice dinner and buying you a huge pearl necklace? Get over yourself, jerkette. I'm siding with Captain Baldy over there.

And thanks for the insurance advice, Chinaman, and then repetition of the word Geico, and the repetition of the word Geico, and the repetition of the word Geico, and APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! No, not Head On, but rather my fist. Do you really need to drop Geico's name once more before you leave the table? It's not like we won't recognize who gave us a sub par ad compared to their rather decent campaigns.

Also, yeah, creepy. A pile of money staring at you. You can feel its eyes boring into your head, waiting for that moment to slip the roofie in her drink. It's not a good feeling. It's also the worst-looking Muppet there is (yes, I know it's not an actual Muppet, but here we are, me not caring and all). It's not easy being green, and it's apparently not easy being tolerable. 

Score 2 creepy points for Bug-eyed Bucks. One for his stare, one for his soliciting Chinese backup.

But now, the Champion's rebuttal.

That's right! The King is back! Not Elvis, not LeBron, but the Burger King, champion of creepers and stalkers everywhere.

Now, see, I know making fun of The King and his stalkeritude is drawn out and blah, blah, blah, but I don't give a fuck. You should've learned that by now. 

Plus, this commercial isn't all that creepy to me. First off, I love this ad campaign. Most of you do, too, which is why he's stayed around and had his share of sexual suggestive appearances (you've seen some, and I've got one more you haven't seen in store), but here I don't see him as suddenly appearing in this guy's bed.

Well, that's not true, but let's spin the story from Ian's brain, shall we?

What we have here is a classic case of 10-5-2. Some of you know where I'm coming from, and you love it, but those that don't, here's a short explanation, and understand this comes from a drunken partying standpoint: 10 when you meet her, 5 when you're makin' out with her, and 2 when you wake up next to her. But instead of a her, it's a plastic-headed fast food mascot.

And you tapped that. Walk of shame for YOU, my friend.

The creepiness isn't really there in this ad, to be honest. Awkwardness, yes, it's abound, but less creepiness than you originally thought, eh?

Well...until you realized it's made you breakfast. Yet you didn't have any crossaints, bacon, or even cheese in your house, nor do you actually have a functioning stove. So how'd he do it? Actually, better question: how'd you do him? That outfit seems difficult to stumble through while smashed, but hey, good for you. You get to not call this guy in the two days he expects and get to avoid eye contact when you have the urge for a Whopper.

So, scorewise, we'll give him 1 point, for the huge head. Non-specified, of course.

2-1 in favor of BeB, but it's not over yet!

Well, okay, it is, but just for tonight. We're makin' this a two-parter, ladies and germs. 

Of course we'll have ratings.

Cuckold (look it up, jerks): 1 divorce and $100,000 you don't have to spend on that bitch of an ex-wife anymore. Oh...wait. Alimony. Sucker.

Whore Wife: 1 fuckwad of money to use as you want. You going to sex it up like it looks like, or are you going to spend it? And if you spend it, what will you buy? A vibrator? Will that not cancel out the original purpose of sexing the fuckwad up? Is this a pointless rant? Yes, it is. Welcome to this blog, people.

Chinaman: Three "Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra"s. You love "A Christmas Story," too. Don't give me that look.

BeB: Last place in the Geico Mascot race. Also, the Geico Gecko and Cavemen didn't compete. That is how hard you lost.

Hungover S.O.B.: 3 Pubic Lice, 2 Awkward Glances, and a Croissanwich for your Piehole.

The King: 6 billion collective shivers from the world over.

See you on Wednesday for the dramatic* conclusion.

*Pointless, yet necessary, but also not necessary at all. Don't know WHERE I'm coming from!

Happy Commercialization of Holidays Week!

Early'd!

Aw, hell, I'm a bitter sumbitch, but even I love me some holiday cheer. Granted, there's the shit-ton of stress everyone gets this time of year, but I'm feelin' good!

That being said, I couldn't find a single horrid Christmas commercial (sorry Hanukkah fans and Kwanzaa-ites, none for you, either), and yes, I know it's always Happy Holidays instead. Well, fuck that. 

Instead, I'll be showing some holiday commercialism that's somewhat decent and pick what I hate out of those. Works for me; better work for you.

We start off raunchy! And in no way is that a good thing here. But my main gripe here isn't that we're forced to expect heavy petting and...well, that's kind of what we get, but the product is not as advertised.

No, not referencing TBWA, which is something I'm totally unfamiliar with (Damn you, Canada), but a dog lickin' his balls. 

I don't just work blue, people. I work purple. Blue and Red with rage. You love it.

But back to the point: the self-fellatio here is the key to the commercial, and funny to boot. But the fact that you see a Christmas tree right there, but the tagline is Happy Holidays. Don't specify with mistletoe, tinsel, and a fucking Christmas tree right there if you mean to include everyone. Throw in a menorah and a kinara if you want to include everyone, you PC pricks!

I still can't get that awful slobbering noise out of my head. Gee-Rose. Pronounced Gross, people.

Movin' on!

At least this one doesn't specify holidays, you segregating sack of crap TBWA!

I really don't have a huge gripe with this one, but with the campaign as a whole. I find these things pretty funny with their awkward situations, like the family at the nude beach, the techno hostel, etc. But lately, AT&T's commercials, which are shades better than those Alltel ones we puked on before, have become almost morbid and scarring. The exploding turkey? The scary dinosaur for your daughter's birthday? This Snowman's death one?

Okay, let's be fair, he does say he'll be back next year. After spending all his time having his limbs torn off by passing dogs, his eyes popping out, all while being naked and then melting, having to spend his time switching between clouds and puddles and the like, probably never being whole again.

But nothing touches on the horror that is this bonus ad:

He was named Slate?! How horrifying is that?!

Actually, not at all. Instead, it's pretty badass. That is, until he went kaboom.

Yes, while I find this commercial to be awesome, it's also showing what AT&T wants their message to be: Get AT&T or You're Dead. Or, as Puff Diddly Doodad would say: AT&T or Die, mothafucka.

But, for all holiday commercials this year, I have to stick with this one as my favorite.

Sorry, Anti-Jesus fans. This one specifically states "Christmas," so if you're someone who loves to bitch, feel free to send Gamestop a message about their insensitivity. Or you can just tell them this commercial is all sorts of awesome.

Yes, we're back on the sex topic, and like before, I don't have many complaints here. We all know the dad's going to cumfiscate those.

Oh, confiscate. Slipped!

Though I'd like to provide a tip for the kid whose room that is: INTERNET. It's all about saving space, jackass. Now just get rid of those dirty mags and get to clickin'. Let your dad keep your Booty Booty Buttcheeks subscription and you can learn the wonders of turning off Google's safe search.

Oh, wait! I've just been informed! We DO have a bad commercial! And it has Santa himself!

Norton Furniture? You DID get my letter, Santa! And you realized what a terrible person I've been, so you gave me just what nobody wanted!

This one has everything you want for Christmas: a hot Mrs. Claus.

Oh, and everything you don't want, like over-sized elves, an obnoxiously loud Santa, and Marc Norton. 

Note the drunken elves, especially the fat one, who decides to get a good whiff of Mrs. Claus' ass by the end of the bit. That's not creepy enough? Then let's have Santa denying you presents because you have bad credit! You may have used all your credit cards to purchase clothing, food, and toys for the broken and homeless and may be well on your way to sainthood, but fuck you! Santa doesn't like your score from Freecreditreport.com, so you're boned!

BUT WAIT! Marc Norton is here and without his actual catch phrases! Instead of getting credit at his store (or you can't get it anywhere), he says he can fix bad credit! Magic! Wonderful!

And he guarantees same-day delivery, you say? How do you know?

"C'mon."

I may've preferred it being because Diddy said Norton fixes bad credit. (Shades Down)

And why the fuck does everyone burst out into laughter after that "C'mon"? Because it's a shitty commercial. That's all the explanation you need, people.

I gave all my ratings to the broken and homeless this week, so you're out of luck, commercials. The good ones get leftover high-fives, Marc Norton gets a lump of coal chucked right at his head.

Happy Whateveryoucelebrate, and I'll see you...next week. I'm taking Friday off. You already got your Norton!

Hypocrisy, thy name is advertising.

First off, not my best start to a new segment here with my twitter review, but I was piss drunk and I was feelin' the Shaq flow. Expect more coherency and more content, but I'm still okay with what I did.

But today we get back to the ads. In fact, we're going to do a little comparison between two different companies with a similar theme: boners.

Yes, as in an erect penis. And yet neither of these companies should be associated with dicks or sex whatsoever. Yet here we are.

The reason for this comparison is because one of these commercials was banned in the U.S. The other one I see on TV regularly. Now, usually you'd expect me to hate one or the other, but in this case, I kind of like both. Of course, that makes for a much more boring experience here, hence the comparison and my ranting being aimed toward censorship more than poor advertising this time.

Let's start off with the banned one.

Apologies for the weird glitches near the end, but not my fault nor my problem!

Here we have IKEA, best known for being the number one proponent for Allen Wrenches ever. A Swedish, I think, furniture company that makes the cheapest, shittiest furniture. And the number one reason college kids have anything to sit on at all.

A commercial with a simple message: guys who can't get to sleep will get turned on by their wives.

Or something like that.

You see the guy uncomfy in an awful bed, and then, innuendo. In YOUR endo. Scrubs references keep coming.

But what happens? Boner!

Wait, no. It's a spring. Because it's a shitty bed. And the guy has erectile dysfunction, so he can't actually get it up, which is why she was sleeping and he was lying awake from embarrassment. Or so I interpreted it. And you did, too. And if not, then you're welcome for my analysis.

This commercial was banned, which doesn't seem to be uncommon for IKEA. They have one with a kid playing with regular toys, matchbox cars, and a vibrator. The message being "Tidy Up." Effectively put, I'd say. Youtube lists several more banned commercials in the "related" section, and with America's "Sex is Bad" censorship, you can't be too surprised.

But then we come to this.

Yes, Arby's = Sex. Gross.

Like I said, I like both commercials, but THIS one I see every day. Let's dig in:

It's chubby's (teehee!) birthday. His wife/girlfriend roleplays for him as a special gift. Not unheard of, right?

Then the twist! She roleplays as an Arby's counter worker carrying in some delicious* fast food, obviously uncomfortable that her guy enjoys such a fantasy. And then what?

Schwing! 

Yes, people, he gets an implied boner. From a chicken sandwich (heh, COCKadoodle doo! So clever). Oh, and his pretty attractive girl.

Not quite my Liv Tyler as Zelda fantasy, but to each his or her messed-up own.

Both pretty entertaining commercials, to be honest. But there's a problem. The one that was banned ultimately shows that the innuendo? It's the reason for the ad. The broken bedspring, which then implies "Come get IKEA's furniture! It will also break on you, and probably without hilarious situations, but it only costs $2.50!" All implications of sex are taken away with the big (heh) reveal.

But the Arby's commercial goes the opposite way. The product brings on the innuendo. It's telling us this guy gets a hard-on for sub-par chicken. The Arby's logo isn't exactly innocently shaped in this ad.

Yet the one that resolves without sex is the one banned, while the one that results in naughtiness is the one shown in heavy rotation.

I know I bring a lot of hate to advertising, but fuckin' A, America. You can't even get this one right with two decent commercials. You go with the greater of two evils, you putz.

Fuck! Now I'm just pissed. Well, I was pissed, and now I'm Aryan Raging. Guess I'll go oppress some people, as it is my style.

I'll try to dig up an awesome/awful holiday-themed commercial for Christmas Eve. Expect pure loathing on that day.

*Tolerable if you pretend what you're eating isn't rubber meat made from the same company that makes synthetic poop and puke. Heheh. Meat.

New thing!

Well, it's Saturday, I just got back from partying, and you know what you get, besides me typing better than I should? Twitter reviews!

....What.

Yeah, that's right. Twitter reviews. It's going to be a Twitter/Webcomic review site on the weekend, and because I am W to the A to the Sted I am reviewing a twitter because it is shorter and easier than a webcomic. You are lucking out because I am taking care in my typeitude.

So here we go: an instant classic (as hard as that phrase it to swallow): 

"Its so cold in porland the sun just sent me a text, yo shaq ill c u n may Schwwwwwww"

You know who that is from? Shaquille O'Fuckin'Neal. 

You know what it means?

It means the largest heavenly body the most of us relate heat to (THE FUCKIN' SUN) actually sent a text message to Shaq. It happened. There's textual proof. Ask the man.

Do you doubt Shaq? What is WRONG with you?!

As for now, that is all. Why? Because I am 120% less sober than you.

Sober editor's note: I approve of drunk Ian's ideas. 

A feature? Already? Hurray!

So, we're finding ourselves (myself) getting established here, enjoying a steady schedule, and already I have a set idea for Fridays, at least for a while.

Ladies and germs: Norton Furniture Fridays.

Yes, the man you know and loathe will be joining us every Friday to show us some of the worst local ads you'd find anywhere. The man is a god amongst poor credited folk.

With that said, let's get down to the puke du jour: a double Marc Norton feature, just for you all to spit on.

This two parter doesn't really tell a story, but they are somewhat related. Religion in furniture sales. Makes sense, right?

Don't worry, it really won't.

Now, I'm not a very religious man, nor much of a scientific one, but any schmo with a degree in common sense can see things wrong in both categories here.

First off, lightning. We know the phrase that "lightning never strikes the same place twice." But no one told  Marc Norton that! He takes the laws of science into his own greasy hands.

Okay, it's a low budget commercial, but we need some sense. Just a bit. That's all I'm asking, Marc. Not only does lightning strike (with awfully timed thunder, of course) the same place twice, it does it thrice, and the quice. Or fourice. Is there a word for four times? Get back to me on that.

Also, note that lightning generally strikes the tallest thing around. In this case, it's a giraffe. Okay, so maybe God (with his wonderful neckbeard...as a late night cartoon once said, "A beard's not an excuse for a jawline!) didn't want to kill the one giraffe around, but could he not have struck Marc, ended this piss poor campaign, and then given Noah the tools and wood? Is that not how the Bible story went? 

Also, I just mentioned there was only one giraffe. There's also only one of the other animals, too. Low budget be damned, I want some damn realism. And, don't look now, but we've got ourselves a nice corralling situation. Let's just surrounded our helpless herbivores with...I dunno, what do we have in stock? An alligator/crocodile? Either one works. Oh, and a panther? Fantastic! Put them both looking menacingly toward the pig. That won't fuck up the past and, consequently, the present.

Noah seems pretty skeptical about all of this. An amish-bearded deity and then chain-smoking, hippo-riding sonofabitch shows up. And drunk. Marc threatening Noah and then falling off hippo is both the most senseless move I've seen in Norton Furniture history so far AND the best drunken moment in commercials that I've touched on so far. Sure, the ONLY drunken moment, but the best nonetheless.

And then Noah says "fuck it." Sure, he doesn't actually say it, but when you're presented with the shitty situation and whacked out events that just occured, what would you do? Smoke up, I'm sure, but I'm guessing Noah's either already high or out of the good stuff.

And what Bible story wouldn't be complete without threats of eternal damnation?

Yes, Marc Norton avoids the lightning bolt obviously meant for him (that lightning is what I pray for before I go to sleep) by drunkenly spilling off his 3 foot plastic hippo, but he's no match for high cholesterol! Yes, Marc Norton, master of spinning suicide for furniture commercials and then wrecking Noah's story has now dug further by having himself keel over.

But what of the ability to get furniture, even with bad credit? Where will we go now?!

To hell, of course.

Good news for people who have credit problems, you'll still go to hell.

Wait...good news? If you go to heaven or don't believe in that stuff, sure. But if you end up in hell with this fella...well, enjoy.

But that's not all you've won! You also won a non-descript white devil, two ugly devil women, and one devil in decent devilish makeup! Huzzah!

But wait, there's more! You also win Tom Selleck hissing in your ear! We promise his breath will be as good as this commercial. 

Is Selleck THE Satan? Or is he just Lucifer P.I.? Who cares, the reference is deader than Marc Norton*.

There's really not much more to be said about these commercials, which combined total a horrific one minute of neuron-frying TV, but there's always a piss-poor ratings system.

Deg-ratings! Pun'd!

-God: thanks for the world and life and all, but keep your hands out of this. Take a step back and think about it. All of us are created in your image. But then there's Marc Norton. 3 Plagues for you, sir. And some plaque.

-Noah: You look younger than I remember you. And now you're helping sell furniture. Minus 2 of every point for you.

-Devils: If you're what I get to see when/if I go to hell, then I'm sure I did something fucked up in life. One mediocre point for the mediocre white devil, two powder puffs and three lipsticks for the uggos, and a transfer for the "realistic" devil. A transfer to middle management. That's hell, ain't it fellas? HA!

-Tom Selleck: I take it you're in hell for that "In & Out" movie about a gay Kevin Kline and a gayer you? Nothing against the gay community. I am a theatre person, after all, but you know what those "always" right conservatives say: those who like the same sex always end up in the hecks. I wish they'd say that, at least. It'd be funnier.

-Marc Norton: You get 0 points, and you can count on it.

Stay tuned for nerdier updates tomorrow. Hint: it involves the interweb. The one you're on right now!

*No, he's not dead. Not for real, anyway. Which means we'll continually get new advertising from him. Yay.

Bait 'n Switch: an example of how this doesn't work.

It's Wednesday and you're stuck here. I'd apologize, but...nah. On with the show!

Today, a story will be told. A story of romance, of excitement, of drama, and of terror.

Nah. More like "of terror-ble!" Sound it out.

Instead of all that shit I just said, you get the story of cellular companies. That's it. Well, that, and how they switched actors mid-campaign and thought we wouldn't notice. 

Oh, and also thought we'd like the switch and that it would drum up more business. 

Oh! And, when they noticed we didn't understand the switch, they tried a viral video they thought would be just hilarious! You'll be in stitches*! 

*From slamming your head into the wall from this, not from laughter. You should know better by now.

I present to you the story...of Alltel Wireless.

We begin with a rare attempt by Alltel. First, there's no Chad. You know who Chad is. You've seen these commercials. If you haven't, you don't have a TV or are mercifully blind. Second, it's not bad. It's not good, but it's not bad, either. It does what it has to.

What I like? Not much, but that's a common occurence. I do like that the characters represent their product, or at least the aspects that Alltel wants you to see (the shitty aspects). 

We start off with Anthony Michael Hall Jr. (watch a John Hughes film, people) representing Cingular...or AT&T, depending on what year you watch this. Right now? Doesn't matter. 

We then get to Ginger (the professor and Mary Ann) as Verizon, which I've had since I've had a cell phone, so I see him as the hero of these ads. That is if you can consider cell phones heroes, which normal people won't...as they're phones.

Cut to the Sprint Fatty gorging himself on food court tacos. Tasty AND nutritious. Or neither. Yeah, neither. At least he realizes it's rude to talk with your mouth full. He also realized it's rude to act in an eventually atrocious ad campaign. More on that later.

Finally, Kumar portraying T-Mobile as White Castle contracts are in the works. Hey, I'm not racist. Look at him and tell me he doesn't look like a slightly malnourished Kal Penn. Take your time, google Kal Penn, and I'll be here waiting.

What we get is a pathetic attempt at bringing down Alltel, the cool kid of the cell clique. The sports hero.  Wait. Alltel...All-Star. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it.

They've never had 10 friends, they're fat, they're useless, yeah, we get it. You've driven that point home through your entire campaign, but! What this specific commercial does is pick one thing each cellular company blows at. Except Cingular...who somehow gets off scott-free. Well, until they get consumed by AT&T and are the exclusive company for iPhone...jerks. I don't care if Verizon's new Blackberry is neat. We all want to be hipsters. It's hip.

Anyway, Verizon can't contact too many people outside of his network, T-Mobile can only really send emails, and Sprint's free minutes don't come up until after 7. Oh, and he's fat. Didn't you get that with the face stuffing thing? It's apparently a (spoiler alert) HUGE FLAW. Fatty's are undesirable, and so are their phone plans. Way to campaign, Allsmell. HA.

It's not a perfect commercial by any standards, but comparatively, it is now just a shell of its former mediocre self.

And then, the Sprint guy quit because he's the smart one. Easy money's one thing, but dignity? You can't buy that. At least not after continually associating yourself with an ad appealing to a 5th grade demographic. Your balls fell? Use Alltel! 

I'd obviously make a much better ad exec. Call me, businesses, we'll talk contracts. 

But then...they added Adam Herschman, and...well, just watch. 

He is a vacuum for good things. And I don't mean like a Hoover, where he could suck in good things and store them for himself. Take that as you will. I mean he's a black hole. All that is enjoyable is rendered nonexistent when he shows up. He is the reason Carlos Mencia exists.

Is that two Mencia digs since I've started this blog? Good. I feel on schedule.

Those poor child actors may be teased every recess now. We can only hope they got a sweet penny out of this.

But Herschman. He doesn't get a nickname because you can say his name with such disdain. Herschman. His unnecessarily abrasive voice coupled with his immobile face makes me miss the old fatty. 

Not only does he get half the lines (his character, at least), that completely takes away from Ginger and Kumar, who get to do nothing but stand and look menacing. Or like douches. Your call. 

Nah, my call. Douches.

Why Alltel dug down into the recesses of repulsive, we'll never know. The commercials could've still stayed mediocre without Herschman and with any other chubby actor with nothing to lose. But nope. They've completely dug themselves into a hole they can't get out of. Why? Because Herschman.

It gets worse.

That viral video explaining why there's a new Sprint guy?

Learning how to speak whale. Something that could've been funny either A) Before Ellen DeGeneres did it "Finding Nemo" or B) Done by someone funny. At least B, Alltel, c'mon.

But no, what we have is a mannequin spouting off what could've been a decent viral video. A douchebag whose whale calls sound more like pterodactyl cries...y'know, had I heard an actual pterodactyl. Or you can say he sounds like he's being choked to death. That's always more appealing than anything else Herschman has actually done.

Alltel, I expect an apology from you. Get it to me, I'll distribute it to all the people you've hurt with this. Trust me. Man up and do it.

Obvious Ratings:

-Cingular/AT&T: I liked your dad in "The Breakfast Club." Sorry you got the shaft on the acting scale. 2 bars.

-T-Mobile: I still haven't seen Guantanamo Bay all the way through. Also haven't been high for it. We'll fix that soon, I promise. 3 bars.

-Verizon: Thank you for being an okay service, but fuck you for having fragile phones. I don't care if mine have been stomped on after a jump shot or thrown in a urinal. You should still work, asshole. 2.5 bars.

-Fatty Sprint: Good call, man. Good call. 5 Bars.

-Herschman. Get out of my movies and TV. 1 Snickers bar. Hope you choke on it.

-Chad: You're still a ding-dong! You ring wrong! Pretend this is sing-song! Did you see that panda Wing-Wong? Let's go play some ping-pong. 

Rhyme time is over, people. Get the fuck outta here!

But send in requests. BackDStage9@gmail.com.  These commercials work fine, and I've got many more, but I want to see your local ones. They make for the best* watching.

*Worst.

Jack in your FACE!

Different mood! Let's see how it rolls.

You may recall, back in the day (about 5 days, actually), when I tore into a recent fast food advertising campaign, and said there would be many more to follow, since...well, a lot of fast food ads depict total crap, i.e.: a wedding cake made of McNuggets. If I wanted an annulment that bad, I would probably have a bachelor party during the wedding instead. At least the money would be better spent.

But no! What I bring to you today is going to be a humor twofer. Two commercials that go hand-in-hand and are actually funny. 

Yes. I do like some things.

Be warned: this video is unnecessarily loud.

Jack-in-the-Box, a fast food joint probably best known for its murder burgers, or rather it's E. coli fiasco in the early 90's. Now known for not being anywhere near my house so I can't actually try it. I'm looking at you, too, Sonic.

It's a short 'n actually sweet commercial, so, this being a ranting area...we'll be a little short on that today.

But do y'get it?! They're talking about the BUTT! 

I mean...the RECTUM!

Guh, I mean the SPHINCTER!

The POOP CHUTE!

There. Joke properly ruined! Glad to know you come here for the class.

Seriously, though, this commercial's pretty slick (like mud butt, teehee!) with only one actual flaw.

Burger King's your competition? What. 

No, wait. That's sensible. I see where you're coming from. Just like this year's Detroit Lions are competition for, let's say, the Tennessee Titans. That's sporty, right? Only, in that case, you have one stellar team and then you have the Detroit Lions.

No...that's pretty much the same here.

Sorry, Jacky, but while your ad was mad...mad AWESOME, that is...you don't exactly rank on BK's top rivals list. Maybe if you ran a campaign featuring a funeral with a coffin constructed of sirloin patties, you'd be more like McDonald's, an actual rival, who has probably caused more heart disease related deaths than you hope your E. coli phase could have provided. Thank you, Morgan Spurlock.

Bonus commercial, since it ties in perfectly with the previous one.

Ohhhhh! Angus...Anus! That's the word! Geez, what a brain fart I had.

Fart...Anus...I'm almost as dignified as Jack-in-the-Box. Hi-yo!

That's all this one is, too. One long butt joke. And I'm okay with it. Why? Because these people will do anything to get people to buy their food. I probably won't because of the whole "diseased meat" and the "why don't you actually have a restaurant in my area?" deals.

To be fairly honest, you will probably see many more J to the I-T-B ads on here when I'm feeling less snarky and more neat. They run good campaigns, most of them almost going over the line, and I like that. I'm in my 20's. Crassitude is just fine.

Ratings? Sure.

-3 High-fives, 2 for the 1st commercial and 1 for the follow up as a bonus-five. 

-2 large snow balls to give Jack his entire body back so he won't feel out of place when he visits Frosty this holiday season.

-1 Anus burger to BK because that's the message here. You sell butt burgers. Heehee! Butt.

See you Wednesday when I'm back to being surly. And I love being surly.

My name is Ian. And you can count on it.

Yes, people. This is a moment for all those that have foraged through the SomethingAwful forums. For those stuck in the greater Cleveland area, you also know what I mean. If you recognize the header for this entry, you know EXACTLY what's coming. If not...whoo, boy, you are in for quite a treat.

Before I show you one of the many wonders of this man you are about to meet, let me say that he has graced many-a-late night TV viewing with his black-clothed presence. 1 A.M. syndicated Scrubs is nothing without this god of sales keeping us hooked in between episode acts.

This is no mere man, ladies and gentlemen. This...is Marc Norton. He is the king of credit, the captain of variety, and the lord of all that is bad, yet alluring commercials. You cannot turn away when he pops up on your screen. You can try, but you will fail. Here is just one of his recent advertising endeavors.

Yes, ladies and germs, not even the late Charlie Chaplin is safe from this man's clutches. He'd be rolling in his grave were he not too busy sighing and slapping his forehead and having a Hitler stache.

This commercial came to be soon after the economy started throwing a world-class hissy fit. Is it not fitting that ol' Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin be resurrected, as he was still making films during the Great Depression? Nice touch, Marc! I feel this is going in a creative direction.

Oh. Wait. Hmm....

Yeah, nothing's funnier than someone down on his luck almost shooting himself. Sensitivity score DOWN.

But wait! Here he comes to save the daaaaay~! Marc shows up in the nick of time to spout off one of his...two raspy catchphrases! "If you can't get credit at" blah blah blah. Because someone about to off himself really wants a new chintz lounge. 

Now, don't get me wrong. This commercial showcases what it wants: even if you have bad credit, you can still get sub par furniture from a shady man, and he will even bring it to your house that same day! Maybe play some checkers, wine & dine a little, whattya say?

Oh...except they don't show furniture anymore. The old ads did, yeah, along with some of the creepiest shit you'll ever see on TV. And I don't mean just local access advertising. I mean on any of the surplus of channels, most of which we don't need. Well, unless you really enjoy the All Douche, All The Time channel. I know I've got it favorited. 

We then have some man love from Chuckie C. and they walk off, palling around, not connecting on a "humorous kick," into the sunset. Wait. Into the wall. The very obvious wall. Also, they found out Chaz's credit really WAS that bad...so he couldn't even get credit at Norton Furniture...which means he can't get credit anywhere. And then the oversized handgun, and then a lawsuit.

Shadows be damned, it's a sunset. I want to believe it all worked out!

No. I reeeeeally don't.

A short commercial, but not near short enough. You may enjoy listening to someone who apparently smokes 8 packs a day, but not me. I hate Neil Diamond's raspy voice, why would I like Marc's? 

I'm sure he's a cool guy in real life, likes to poke fun at himself, blah blah, but if you're going to make commercials bad, whether intentionally or not, I'm going to bring them here. 

Mind you, this commercial could've been better with one change: actually put in the old subtitle cards from before talkies were invented. We get rid of those grating vocals and it keeps the theme running. Also, no suicide. While I'm sure it has contexts where it can be funny, I don't think it goes with buying a loveseat. 

Then again, his name IS Mark, and he does say you can count on it, so who am I to disagree?

Well, I am me to disagree. And that's good enough to bitch about things I don't like, including that commercial.

Rating time! 

-Chaplin Dopplerganger: 1st prize for winning a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest over the man himself (actually happen to the real Chaplin. Look it up.) but also 1273 insensitivity points for your gun pointed at your cranium, no matter how comically large both are.

-Marc: you haunt my dreams. You are the reason I want to have good credit, so I can go anywhere else to get a La-Z-Boy. You are the reason I don't wear all black anymore and I shed my ponytail. You are all that is wrong with Cleveland. Yes, even moreso than the Browns. 

But, though your commercials be eye-gouging and brain-wrenching, I'll give you 7 style points for seeming to know how awful your ads are. Now I suggest you take those points and buy some production value.

Don't worry, people. You'll be getting a dose of Marc Norton every little bit. He's too bad to pass up on a site dedicated to his kind of slop.

Wait. Maybe you should worry.

BK Diddy? Yes, he did. Get it?!

My previously mentioned Jewish buddy reminded me of how awful fast food ads can be, so today is BK Wednesday. It's not as tasty as you're hoping, but it will wreck your digestive system.

Ten years ago: Sean Puffy P. Daddy Vote Or Diddy Doodily Doo Combs Brushes Et Al So-On-And-So-Forth Jacob Jingleheimer Smith used to make music. Scratch that. He used to change his name more than Prince and is known best for covering a The Police song and actually murdering you if you didn't vote. He didn't care if you weren't old enough to vote, it was "Vote or Die," not "Vote if you're of legal age or nationality or Die." We lost many an innocent during that time.

Today: He sells hamburgers.

 

Alright, so this is a mercifully short ad without much dialogue. There are just a few things to note because of this.

Numero First: Creepy music. This soundtrack would work better with those King ads. The one where he wakes up next to you after a "Five Shots of Everclear" night. And he offers you coffee and a breakfast sandwich. 

Mind you, I love those commercials. I will buy anything from that creepy king as long as he leaves me alone. 

Not for this, though. Maybe there's a creepy Japanese kid from the unnecessarily abundant horror films lurking off camera (and there's enough of those fucking movies that it wouldn't be too farfetch'd [Get it? It's a Pokémon joke. Bah, don't judge my sophistication.]), but I doubt there's anything mildly frightening off stage outside a pink slip waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting advertising exec. OooooOOOoooOOOooooOOOH!

And then we have Didn'ty (I'm so clever). 

Six years ago: Making the Band

Today: Making the Whopper. HA!

Here he is, at the behest of Harvey Dent's less successful but hopefully soon-to-be scalded brother, trying to get people to realize Burker King now stays open late, despite the fact that Wendy's, McDonald's, and Taco Bell did this years back and pretty much made actual commercials showcasing their hours. Commercials that mattered. Well, as much as awful TV can matter. We'll get to those companies another day.

How does Didn'ty help? He doesn't suggest they put that on BK signs across the company.

Or that they hire a serial killer who eventually gets caught and all he says as he's being arrested is "BK IS OPEN LATE!" (Would've worked better, I'll bet.) 

Or that they make good commercials. Far be it from that!

Nope. Instead, he states, simply, "Vote or Die." 

Oh, we already did that joke? Okay, fine. He says "Tell 'em Diddy said BK's open late." Shades DOWN.

"That's it?" Fortunately and unfortunately, yes. Short, but nowhere near sweet. Short and pukey.

And, as if Didn'ty's word was magical and spread across the land, and with news teams already filming a BK (hopefully that suggested BK serial killer on camera), people find out BK's open late and celebrate by rioting. Rioting for cheeseburgers. "Eat a Whopper or Die." 

No one would care that much about BK opening late to destroy the restaurant itself unless they were poor college kids, and even so, we all know that Taco Bell is the place for late night beer/pot induced cravings. Think about it. You're craving some T-Bell right now, but you know as well as I do that you'll eat it, but you'll end up regretting so much the purchase you made 15 minutes after.

"I could've thought of that." But you didn't. And you shouldn't. You should think up GOOD things, like ths:

This is a much better BK commercial that has a lot of what's crappy in the other one. A washed-up musician (Hi, Hootie), other people (Hi, attractive extras), and sammiches (Hi, Chicken Bacon Cheddar Ranch). 

What's different, though? The washed-up musician sings, the other people are worth looking at and enjoying themselves, and...chicken instead of beef. Important plot point, people.

Sure, it's an unrealstic one (most commercials are, but I'll still bitch about it). It's a magical world where greasy foods grow on trees and you walk on a road of fatty cheese. And through all this, people are still fit and good looking. Yet, is this really more unrealistic than people listening to Sean Puffy Combs anymore?

But we're not here to enjoy BK commercials. We're here to rate them. And so we shall. We being me. Always me.

And so, we have SPPDVORDDCBEASOASFJJS (see original long name zinger up there) who gets 2 lowerings of the shades out of 10 and a -17 on the "Who Cares?"-o-meter. Harvey Dent's pathetic brother gets 1 normal side of a face out of two, and we get the shits from Burger King. Not classy, but nonetheless super accurate.

Until next time, remember: commercials may advertise expensive items, but they are the reason we can't have nice things.

MAKE THE FUNNY!! Hint: they didn't.

So here goes trying to do this commercial thing on a M-W-F schedule. Like a webcomic, but I can't draw and I have more than one reader. Ba-ZING! I kid--I've read and enjoyed over 100 series...yeah. That's my life.

Anywhichway, this one's another request from a fellow internerd. Not like any of you reading this aren't one, too. It's actually somewhat representative of the product instead of...y'know...99% of car commercials.

Alright, so ooVoo. It's like Skype except no one uses it. I'm willing to bet this ad is a strong reason why.

As a preface, I will try to avoid bashing the young girl, who probably has no idea what she's doing here and also try to stray from digging at the male lead's appearance.

Fuck that. He looks like a puppet. Seriously. Say his lines and try to move your mouth like he does, especially when he says "Hey, Pumpkin." Are you a ventriloquist? No? Then good luck to you, sir or madam.

Onto more..."classy" discussions. Let's start with the good again. Well...the name ooVoo is kind of fun to say? It goes Ooh-Voo. That's all there is to it.

Oh! And they mention the GS 4200, which, after googling, we find out it is a cash register made in China. High-end stuff, people.

That was hopeless. Let's get to the gritty shit.

Will someone please give the cameraman a machine that doesn't have a zoom or focus-change button? The shots in the first half of this WHY* go in and out so much, it's like camera sex, which I assume is unfulfilling. If it's not, let's get us some camera sex. Y'get me? Yeah, you get me. The superzoom on everyone's face also doesn't help. We only have so many attractive people in the world, and none of them are in this ad. Not a one. Ugly can sell...but not when you use your camerawork to explore the pores of these suckers. Dr. Kelso doesn't like uggos, why should I?

Speaking of something entirely different but still quite awful, we have the soundtrack. I'm sure we're all glad Lou Bega found some more work after Mambo No. 5. Actually, less "glad" and more "go away." Lots more.

Any more technical aspects? Yeah, if you look at the incoming call picture of his wife, you'll notice it changes from its initial incoming photo to when he rejects it. His wife takes on a much more...drunken quality there. Not blaming her. You may say this is nitpicking. I may say this is me bitching about a minute of TV. I work with what I've got.

Onto the acting portion. Or, because I can, the smackting portion. Because I'm going to smack the people who can't act in commercials. And you if you don't like "smackting." Like I said, the little girl's fine. You can only ask so much from child actors. They try to be cute (or creepy, thanks to Japan), and that's what we want. 

Then again, shitful writing doesn't help, but we'll touch on that as we traverse through the "plot" or, as I like to think of it as I watch, the "pleasegodwhyamIdoingthistomyself-ot." Plot for short, I suppose.

-Girl finds computer. 

-Girl calls Puppet Dad.

-PD forgets to close unimportant applications on his computer, like ooVoo, Weatherbug, and Porntube. 

-Girl ooVoo calls PD during meeting, interrupting piss-poor snoring sound effect. 

-PD rejects call and Girl's love. 

-Girl says "fuck you" and calls again. 

-PD is whipped (remember, he thinks it's Wife) and answers call, despite giving important presentation on cash registers. VERY IMPORTANT.

-PD and Girl exchange lines (that were written on the basis that terrible = $$) to the unbelievable (I mean "suspension of disbelief" does nothing) enjoyment of the rest of the coworkers.

-Girl drops the Lessthanthree on PD. PD regretfully says it back. Regretfully. That dick.

Seriously, watch the relationship between the girl and her dad. She's cute, she's just trying to show her dad she loves him, and he has exasperation in his voice each time he responds. I don't care if she interrupted your GS 4200 meeting. Cash registers be damned! Spend a second talking to your daughter who you've spurned for money storing opportunities!

And why the FUCK would he want to talk to his wife if he didn't want to be on the phone during a meeting? Fuck you, hypocrite! I don't care if you think he'll tell her to keep his daughter away from the computer. That's probably what he did, because he's a shitty shit person!

Moving on from that classy exploit, and onto the writing! There's not much said, to be honest, except for "Dad!" and "What?" that catches our attention (GS 4200! YES!!!). The one thing that is apparently HYSTERICAL beyond all belief? 

MAKE THE MONEY! That poor girl... The key to success? Have the rest of the employees laugh at this as if they'd never seen something so uproarious in their lives. This is gut-busting humor, people! Show us how you feel! Pretend you're watching Carlos Mencia!

Oh...Killing the mood. And I made an over-done, but nonetheless super truthful dig.

We get to end this charade on its tagline: simply amazing, amazingly simple. By the by, typed verbatim. These people don't use capital letters in their product or anything else. You've got to earn that shift key, ooVoo. It IS simple, though. We'll give them that. 

And what commercial with a kid in it wouldn't be complete without that kid creepily whispering something, in this case ooVoo. There! She earned her money's worth! Cute AND creepy. Wonderful!

Rating time: The product: 10 points taken straight from Skype's point cupboard. 

-The girl: 7 sympathy cards. 

-Puppet Dad: One Jeff Dunham to try to squeeze the humor out of you. 

-The camerman: 5 cases of Dramamine. It's for motion-sickness, people. Read up on some medicines.

-The rest of the employees: You're fired. Get the fuck OUT! Get the FUCK out! GET the fuck out! Can't figure out what to emphasize, but you get the message.

'Til next time. Watch some TV, and hope I never get a Tivo, so I can't flip through this shit.

*We Hate You (straight from advertising agencies into my warm heart)

A change already?

At the request of fellow internet explorer (See what I did there? Yeah, you did, and you sighed.) Mr. TK, this thing will be more than commercial critiquing. 

Sure, that'll be my main focus, as I love me some hatin' on bad advertising, but there will be more. "But why would I care?" Because it involves the INTERNET. 

Still, you could then ask "Yeah, but it's your opinion, not mine." That may be true, but you're reading this much, aren't you? Who can resist more interhighway revelations? Not you, my friend. Not you.

Oh, and if it IS you that can, then this is for you.

That's the proper amount of space needed to flick you off from here. Enjoy.

Berries and SHUT UP.

Okay, so this one's a few years old, but I'm sure you all know what's coming if you read the header.

Alright, so what we've got here is a big ol' pile of terrible. There are people who actually love/lurve/Lessthanthree this. There also people who love genocide. I'm lookin' at you, Adolf. What? Comparing an "innocent" ad to one of the most evil beings the world has ever know is a bit harsh? Are you telling me this thing hasn't mass murdered our happiness? 

Now, don't get me wrong. I love ridiculous things. One of my best friends is the goofiest person I know, as he is the Jewish funny guy to my Aryan rage. But then that just brings us back to the previous paragraph. Offended? Blame society for not allowing our sense of humor to flourish, despite it being god-forsaken.

But back to the ridiculousness that is this train wreck. We've got the two major players: Elfballs and Deadpanmotherfucker. We won't count Random Douchebag because he's got a whole zero lines in this thing, which means he probably didn't get paid near as much to live with this pile that can ruin even a good episode of The Office. Trendy.

Play the Zelda series? Elfballs is Tingle. There you go: video game reference. Don't play it? Well, you can see exactly what he is: a grown man dressed as a little elf boy, assumedly kicked out of Santa's workshop for giving the other elves lusty glares and forwarding them granny porn. Like I said: Tingle.

Then you have DPMF who is...a deadpan motherfucker. He has no human reaction to what is going on in front of him. A normal person would shoot first, ask questions never. Or run. Or at least change facial expressions. Awesome robot impersation, guy, but I like acting from actors. Act a bit, Acty McWaityoucantact.

That's my main beef. Sure, there's the awful jingle that, try as I might, I can't bash out of my head. The dance? Not helping. There's even an instructional video by Elfballs on how to do the dance you can find online. I'd link it, but I've already provided enough to ruin your vision and hearing tonight.

But...the worst part. The absolute WORST part of this is? They have a slightly tweaked version that I actually enjoy. 

There is no stupid pause in the middle of the "song," the DPMF actually has a better expression near the end to show he's SUPER AWKWARDED OUT, like the rest of us, and the little peekaboo move by Elfballs? Only topped by the high kick, which I assume came out of frustration from DPMF's lack of...anything good.

Yet I never saw this version air. Not once. I saw the previous one, and a shortened version of it, which wasn't even better due to the brevity, but rather much worse because it was more like a bee sting than a stab wound. Sure, the stab wound lasts longer and could kill you, but what if you're deathly allergic to bees? Think about THAT. Yeah, exactly. Don't wanna end up like Macauly Culkin.

To be fair, Starburst isn't going to lose me with a shitty ad. The candies are too delicious and rainbow'd. Well...four color'd, at least. Red, Pink, Yellow, and Orange, in order of tastiness, at least. 

Disagree with my approval of candy tastes, and disagree with my commercial tastes, but what will the public think of you then? That you value a castrato's ability to bring unsolicited suckitude by dressing straight out of Oliver Twist with a bowl cut.

Rating? 7.6 for the product, a full pooper scooper for Elfballs, a connecting kick to the face for DPMF, and a condolence card for that poor soul that got conned into just sitting there wishing he was doing something productive, like writing a commercial critique blog.

Next one will be a request, just felt like bringing something familiar this round.

Youtube.

You have added a search bar on embedded things, Youtube. 

I like it. But I hate it. It is jarring and efficient. You lovely jerkass, Youtube.

Next commercial up in the early AM assuming Nyquil says "Hey, don't take me or you pass out early! Don't mind your voice sounds like Louis Armstrong if he swallowed a cheese grater!"

Starting off with a request.

So apparently this is gonna happen...um...right now.

Not one hour after I posted my pre-thingshappening-rant, I got a request from a friend. Mind you, I would never have seen this commercial as I don't live in the Pittsburgh area, but being a Clevelandish guy, it's fun to laugh at terrible things from Pittsburgh.

Yes, I know we have the Browns. Fuck you. We've suffered enough.

Anyway:

Let's start off with the good points...er, point: I'm not sure if this is from the original airing or if this was implemented by whoever ripped it to youtube (internet lingo win or loss?), but this video gives us 9 seconds to prep ourselves. Even if we press the play button unsure of what failed advertising ploy is before us, we get that 9 glorious moment buffer where we can say "Hey, I might like this business and this commercial could ruin my view of them!" and hit pause.

If that's the case, then I suggest you watch anyway just to see what your favorite Greater Pittsburgh Area car dealership has done with your precious moneybucks. You owe yourself that, Pittsburghers...Pittsburgians? Who cares.

And now, onto the WHAT*: First off, I know nothing about pro hockey. As stated, I am a Clevelandish guy, and we don't have a team. The Lake Erie Monsters are not pro, and I doubt they play hockey. I have no proof they do. They say so, and their commercials agree, but isn't this whole thing here to rip apart ads? I thought so.

That being said, I have no clue who these "superSTARs" are were it not for a different Youtube host pointing it out (except HIS version won't let me embed it. Thanks.) This commercial is geared and only shown around Pittsburgh, so maybe those people know who these...fantastic...actors are, but not this guy, and that's all that matters here.

Speaking of, I've seen athletes act before. LeBron's commercials are solid, Peyton Manning and Michael Phelps did well on SNL. These Oscar candidates need a bit more...chutzpah. Or to not be in this commercial. Take your pick. Let's take a look at how the director ran over this:

Colby Coolguy (I assume his first name is Colby from this, didn't do research. Not invested enough YET.): I want you to look like Napoleon Dynamite and act like him...good, now suddenly you're cooler than Zack Morris! Good transition, I felt your characterization there.

Slicky McFumanchu: First off, I want you to put the emphasis wherever it's not supposed to be. Good, now...is Austin Powers still funny? No? Well, let's upgrade to McLovin, except I want you to sound like you're having an asthma attack.

Dolph Lundgren: I'm glad we could hire you while in such high demand from your Rocky IV role. I want you to take this English for Dummies book and skim the backcover's flavor text. That's all you'll need.

Jenna (really? A girl joke? So crass) Underbite: Because you're the only one who looks like an ass-beaten hockey player, your speaking role is cut. Can't have people enjoying you. Instead, catch the keys and look longingly...oh-so-longingly. 

Zoom in on an unoriginal license plate...give the people 5 whole seconds of breathing time afterwards to realize they need to car shop anywhere else...and that's a wrap! We'll see some of you (read: the good-looking but asthmatic one) for part two!

Oh, yes. There's a Part Two.

If I truly had to rate this...and I don't have to do anything...out of 10, I'd rate this as a "Funny where they didn't want it to be funny" ad with extra points for "Foreign 'Acting'" and "Random Hot Chick Who Probably Doesn't Work Here."

Yes, I heard this was on Jay Leno. No, I don't watch Leno. Nothing against the guy, but I'm just not okay with someone who's chin rivals my own.

It's a start, people, but just take note: I put more work in this entry than anyone did on that spot. Watch it again if you want. 

*What's Here Attributes Turds.