BK Diddy? Yes, he did. Get it?!

My previously mentioned Jewish buddy reminded me of how awful fast food ads can be, so today is BK Wednesday. It's not as tasty as you're hoping, but it will wreck your digestive system.

Ten years ago: Sean Puffy P. Daddy Vote Or Diddy Doodily Doo Combs Brushes Et Al So-On-And-So-Forth Jacob Jingleheimer Smith used to make music. Scratch that. He used to change his name more than Prince and is known best for covering a The Police song and actually murdering you if you didn't vote. He didn't care if you weren't old enough to vote, it was "Vote or Die," not "Vote if you're of legal age or nationality or Die." We lost many an innocent during that time.

Today: He sells hamburgers.

 

Alright, so this is a mercifully short ad without much dialogue. There are just a few things to note because of this.

Numero First: Creepy music. This soundtrack would work better with those King ads. The one where he wakes up next to you after a "Five Shots of Everclear" night. And he offers you coffee and a breakfast sandwich. 

Mind you, I love those commercials. I will buy anything from that creepy king as long as he leaves me alone. 

Not for this, though. Maybe there's a creepy Japanese kid from the unnecessarily abundant horror films lurking off camera (and there's enough of those fucking movies that it wouldn't be too farfetch'd [Get it? It's a Pokémon joke. Bah, don't judge my sophistication.]), but I doubt there's anything mildly frightening off stage outside a pink slip waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting advertising exec. OooooOOOoooOOOooooOOOH!

And then we have Didn'ty (I'm so clever). 

Six years ago: Making the Band

Today: Making the Whopper. HA!

Here he is, at the behest of Harvey Dent's less successful but hopefully soon-to-be scalded brother, trying to get people to realize Burker King now stays open late, despite the fact that Wendy's, McDonald's, and Taco Bell did this years back and pretty much made actual commercials showcasing their hours. Commercials that mattered. Well, as much as awful TV can matter. We'll get to those companies another day.

How does Didn'ty help? He doesn't suggest they put that on BK signs across the company.

Or that they hire a serial killer who eventually gets caught and all he says as he's being arrested is "BK IS OPEN LATE!" (Would've worked better, I'll bet.) 

Or that they make good commercials. Far be it from that!

Nope. Instead, he states, simply, "Vote or Die." 

Oh, we already did that joke? Okay, fine. He says "Tell 'em Diddy said BK's open late." Shades DOWN.

"That's it?" Fortunately and unfortunately, yes. Short, but nowhere near sweet. Short and pukey.

And, as if Didn'ty's word was magical and spread across the land, and with news teams already filming a BK (hopefully that suggested BK serial killer on camera), people find out BK's open late and celebrate by rioting. Rioting for cheeseburgers. "Eat a Whopper or Die." 

No one would care that much about BK opening late to destroy the restaurant itself unless they were poor college kids, and even so, we all know that Taco Bell is the place for late night beer/pot induced cravings. Think about it. You're craving some T-Bell right now, but you know as well as I do that you'll eat it, but you'll end up regretting so much the purchase you made 15 minutes after.

"I could've thought of that." But you didn't. And you shouldn't. You should think up GOOD things, like ths:

This is a much better BK commercial that has a lot of what's crappy in the other one. A washed-up musician (Hi, Hootie), other people (Hi, attractive extras), and sammiches (Hi, Chicken Bacon Cheddar Ranch). 

What's different, though? The washed-up musician sings, the other people are worth looking at and enjoying themselves, and...chicken instead of beef. Important plot point, people.

Sure, it's an unrealstic one (most commercials are, but I'll still bitch about it). It's a magical world where greasy foods grow on trees and you walk on a road of fatty cheese. And through all this, people are still fit and good looking. Yet, is this really more unrealistic than people listening to Sean Puffy Combs anymore?

But we're not here to enjoy BK commercials. We're here to rate them. And so we shall. We being me. Always me.

And so, we have SPPDVORDDCBEASOASFJJS (see original long name zinger up there) who gets 2 lowerings of the shades out of 10 and a -17 on the "Who Cares?"-o-meter. Harvey Dent's pathetic brother gets 1 normal side of a face out of two, and we get the shits from Burger King. Not classy, but nonetheless super accurate.

Until next time, remember: commercials may advertise expensive items, but they are the reason we can't have nice things.