Well, not entirely true, but you don't get the conclusion to the Fuckwad vs. The King battle...yet.
Oh, and Happy New Year's/Years'/Yearses Eve. Go get drunk or don't.
Let's get right into this long one.
Now this was partly a request, but I've been meaning to find this and give it what for (yes, welcome to the 1920s again). It's just full of all sorts of "fun" and "exciting" thing for a product that we all would "love" to "have." "Right?"
I get "paid" by the quotation mark, "people."
Remember English class when you studied poetry, rhyme schemes, stuff like that? Good. Remember the time other kids had to read theirs aloud, and while some were good and some were obviously just putting words in some order to get a passing grade, there was the one kid who thought rhyming was necessary no matter how corny? Remember that the rhythm was off and the message was terrible and you all laughed at him/her (if it was you...well, sucks to be you then)?
Remember when they got hired to write for a commercial?
This product is made by ASM, as you can see in the corner you're trying to look at because you can't just look away from this train wreck, but you can avert your gaze. Now, I tried to find out what ASM meant and how it was related to the Snuggie. Assistant Stage Manager, a Java bytecode, a wafer processor, even American Society for Microbiology. All seem pretty related to Snuggie, right?
Because I can't find what it means, and because every website I go to with Snuggie actually plays this God-forsaken ad every. Fucking. Time...well, then we get to be crass and call it the Ass-Slapping Mungers. I think I was born this classy, people.
Now back to yelling about the commercial itself.
We've seen worse advertised things on TV before, right? I mean, at least Billy Mays isn't piercing our eardrums with this nonsense.
But, even without the Maysinator, we are left with 2 minutes of trash. Yep. You just watched 2 whole minutes of people who are having the time of their life in that thing.
And what is it? A blanket with sleeves? For $14.Fucking95 cents? WHAT A FUCKING BARGAIN!
Or maybe, just maybe, you could pull out your bathrobe and wear it backwards. You even get a sash with that one. Or, hey! Why not wear your bathrobe forward like a normal person? Nah, too much sense. With all that sense (read: cents [read: pun]) you could buy a Snuggie and bypass all that logic! Hurrah!
Okay, so I'm still not touching on the commercial itself, but this product is so ricockulous that it's hard to not point it out even though the dumbest person reading this knows it. Are you the dumbest person reading this? That's up for me to point out and you to sulk at.
So why don't we go by this a step at a time, shall we? I'll even give you time markers for your convenience! And that's not all! You'll also get rage fueled from a Cavalier loss! Yeah, I'm from Cleveland, and our sports are the number one cause for heart and head trauma.
But to the thing or whatnot! Again!
0:00 to 0:12- Yeah, we already touched on the rhyming and how it makes you yearn for Leonard Nimoy's "fantastic" poetry. Sorry, Spock, but you're not cut out for ottava rima quite yet. But the points I wanna touch on here? When they said "slip and slide," did you not think of that summer toy from your childhood? So did I and how it knocked the wind out of me every time. And that just pissed me off more.
Oh, also, note how that blonde bimbo (I'm blonde, too, deal with it) hurled that blanket off of her. She could've gotten the phone without that flail, but nope. Gotta sell it. And it didn't sell. Hopefully not, at least.
0:12 to 0:30- Note how happy everyone is to be looking like Idiot of the Year! Goofiest smile gets a bonus*! Actually, notice the John McCain stunt double. He looks pissed to be doing this, but that presidential victory left bills unpaid, so you've gotta make your money somehow.
*At the cost of your dignity.
0:30 to 0:39- Ultra Warm Fleece, which is in no way different than any other fleece! It's just sown into a pathetic form. Congratulations on your "Worst Purchase Ever" achievement. Because oversized sleeves is a good thing, right?
0:39 to 0:41- Of course it's a good thing! It lets these failures look like either a colorblind Jedi or a KKK member who put their robes in with the colors. Whoa. Pun totally unintended and yet still offensive. Yikes. Note how I'm not getting rid of it because that may have been my "best" joke so far.
0:41 to 0:57- Blah, blah, blah, more activities you can do while looking like a Halloween party reject. But Backgammon? Does anyone actually know how to play that game? I asked Jeeves and even he had no fucking clue. Wait, does Ask Jeeves still exist? Am I behind on the interweb times?
0:57 to 1:01- But fuck you, babies and dogs! No Snuggie for you!
1:01 to 1:08- Okay, the Snuggie by a campfire isn't a bad idea. You know, if you don't realize you're next to a fucking fire which is the epitome of keeping you warm. Here's hoping those things are extra flammable. And then wear them to a soccer game in America! I assume it's soccer and not in any other country because if it were football, basketball (yes, outside, asshole), baseball, hockey, badminton, or especially soccer where they like soccer, your ass would've been stomped when you showed up with your Snuggie, even though your brought tofu burgers for everyone, you yuppie shit. Also note how the girl can't get her arms through. Convenient product. And, of course, wear it in a dorm and see how many friends you make at college. Take your time, I know it's hard to count to zero.
1:08 to 1:14- If this thing was dry clean only, good luck at finding a cleaners that won't laugh you out of their store.
1:14 to 1:20- Haven't we seen all these shots more than we'd like? Yes, "one time" is more than we'd like, but you catch my drift.
1:20 to wait, this thing's still going? Fuck! 1:28- They have competitors? Good fucking butts. Thankfully this embarrassment only costs you the same amount it'd cost to get a decent bathrobe at any store ever, but we went through that and Ass-Slapping Mungers did not get the memo.
1:28 to 1:42- Fuck yes, three colors to hide your shame in! And fuck yes, reading light that has nothing to with a blanket outside the fact you can read while wearing this atrocity! I can also read while having sex, but do I? Are they selling sex with 2 minute long ads now? Can you show me where you found this awesome idea? Actually, to be fair, that light looks pretty sweet with its robotosity going on. I'm sure you could use it to play pretend Star Wars as hinted at before, but fuck that, I want that thing. I'll pay the $14.95. You can keep your ass blanket, I want that light.
1:42 to the end of the ad as we know it, and I feel like shiiiiiiit- $75 value. You're kidding, I hope. First off, "value" is not the word you would associate with this thing. "Fecal," yes. Value, fuck no. You also get to wait 2-6 weeks, which gives you ample time to realize what a mistake you've made. Though, if you can use that 30-day money-back guarantee to just send back the Fuggie (finally picked something) and keep that light, then maybe it'd be worth it. No...no, putting that on a credit card statement is a scar for life. You can't weasel your way out of that one.
And you made it. Lucky you. Pour one out for the many that could not survive that war between your brain and all that is suck.
I'd give individuals ratings, but every single person in that ad, associated with that product, or ever even called the number to do anything but laugh/complain gets 3467 thumbs down. find 1733.5 people and ask them kindly to turn down their thumbs. Do it for the good of mankind.
We'll see what happens Friday, whether it be Norton Friday or the conclusion to our Battle de las Creepas.
I'm pissed and I'm out.
1 comment:
Wow...you sure was exceptionally harsh towards this ad. Based on your reaction, I'd guess you'd pick this as Worst Ad of the Year 2008, which may be why you saved it for last...
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