Today, a story will be told. A story of romance, of excitement, of drama, and of terror.
Nah. More like "of terror-ble!" Sound it out.
Instead of all that shit I just said, you get the story of cellular companies. That's it. Well, that, and how they switched actors mid-campaign and thought we wouldn't notice.
Oh, and also thought we'd like the switch and that it would drum up more business.
Oh! And, when they noticed we didn't understand the switch, they tried a viral video they thought would be just hilarious! You'll be in stitches*!
*From slamming your head into the wall from this, not from laughter. You should know better by now.
I present to you the story...of Alltel Wireless.
We begin with a rare attempt by Alltel. First, there's no Chad. You know who Chad is. You've seen these commercials. If you haven't, you don't have a TV or are mercifully blind. Second, it's not bad. It's not good, but it's not bad, either. It does what it has to.
What I like? Not much, but that's a common occurence. I do like that the characters represent their product, or at least the aspects that Alltel wants you to see (the shitty aspects).
We start off with Anthony Michael Hall Jr. (watch a John Hughes film, people) representing Cingular...or AT&T, depending on what year you watch this. Right now? Doesn't matter.
We then get to Ginger (the professor and Mary Ann) as Verizon, which I've had since I've had a cell phone, so I see him as the hero of these ads. That is if you can consider cell phones heroes, which normal people won't...as they're phones.
Cut to the Sprint Fatty gorging himself on food court tacos. Tasty AND nutritious. Or neither. Yeah, neither. At least he realizes it's rude to talk with your mouth full. He also realized it's rude to act in an eventually atrocious ad campaign. More on that later.
Finally, Kumar portraying T-Mobile as White Castle contracts are in the works. Hey, I'm not racist. Look at him and tell me he doesn't look like a slightly malnourished Kal Penn. Take your time, google Kal Penn, and I'll be here waiting.
What we get is a pathetic attempt at bringing down Alltel, the cool kid of the cell clique. The sports hero. Wait. Alltel...All-Star. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it.
They've never had 10 friends, they're fat, they're useless, yeah, we get it. You've driven that point home through your entire campaign, but! What this specific commercial does is pick one thing each cellular company blows at. Except Cingular...who somehow gets off scott-free. Well, until they get consumed by AT&T and are the exclusive company for iPhone...jerks. I don't care if Verizon's new Blackberry is neat. We all want to be hipsters. It's hip.
Anyway, Verizon can't contact too many people outside of his network, T-Mobile can only really send emails, and Sprint's free minutes don't come up until after 7. Oh, and he's fat. Didn't you get that with the face stuffing thing? It's apparently a (spoiler alert) HUGE FLAW. Fatty's are undesirable, and so are their phone plans. Way to campaign, Allsmell. HA.
It's not a perfect commercial by any standards, but comparatively, it is now just a shell of its former mediocre self.
And then, the Sprint guy quit because he's the smart one. Easy money's one thing, but dignity? You can't buy that. At least not after continually associating yourself with an ad appealing to a 5th grade demographic. Your balls fell? Use Alltel!
I'd obviously make a much better ad exec. Call me, businesses, we'll talk contracts.
But then...they added Adam Herschman, and...well, just watch.
He is a vacuum for good things. And I don't mean like a Hoover, where he could suck in good things and store them for himself. Take that as you will. I mean he's a black hole. All that is enjoyable is rendered nonexistent when he shows up. He is the reason Carlos Mencia exists.
Is that two Mencia digs since I've started this blog? Good. I feel on schedule.
Those poor child actors may be teased every recess now. We can only hope they got a sweet penny out of this.
But Herschman. He doesn't get a nickname because you can say his name with such disdain. Herschman. His unnecessarily abrasive voice coupled with his immobile face makes me miss the old fatty.
Not only does he get half the lines (his character, at least), that completely takes away from Ginger and Kumar, who get to do nothing but stand and look menacing. Or like douches. Your call.
Nah, my call. Douches.
Why Alltel dug down into the recesses of repulsive, we'll never know. The commercials could've still stayed mediocre without Herschman and with any other chubby actor with nothing to lose. But nope. They've completely dug themselves into a hole they can't get out of. Why? Because Herschman.
It gets worse.
That viral video explaining why there's a new Sprint guy?
Learning how to speak whale. Something that could've been funny either A) Before Ellen DeGeneres did it "Finding Nemo" or B) Done by someone funny. At least B, Alltel, c'mon.
But no, what we have is a mannequin spouting off what could've been a decent viral video. A douchebag whose whale calls sound more like pterodactyl cries...y'know, had I heard an actual pterodactyl. Or you can say he sounds like he's being choked to death. That's always more appealing than anything else Herschman has actually done.
Alltel, I expect an apology from you. Get it to me, I'll distribute it to all the people you've hurt with this. Trust me. Man up and do it.
Obvious Ratings:
-Cingular/AT&T: I liked your dad in "The Breakfast Club." Sorry you got the shaft on the acting scale. 2 bars.
-T-Mobile: I still haven't seen Guantanamo Bay all the way through. Also haven't been high for it. We'll fix that soon, I promise. 3 bars.
-Verizon: Thank you for being an okay service, but fuck you for having fragile phones. I don't care if mine have been stomped on after a jump shot or thrown in a urinal. You should still work, asshole. 2.5 bars.
-Fatty Sprint: Good call, man. Good call. 5 Bars.
-Herschman. Get out of my movies and TV. 1 Snickers bar. Hope you choke on it.
-Chad: You're still a ding-dong! You ring wrong! Pretend this is sing-song! Did you see that panda Wing-Wong? Let's go play some ping-pong.
Rhyme time is over, people. Get the fuck outta here!
But send in requests. BackDStage9@gmail.com. These commercials work fine, and I've got many more, but I want to see your local ones. They make for the best* watching.
*Worst.
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