Starting off with a request.

So apparently this is gonna happen...um...right now.

Not one hour after I posted my pre-thingshappening-rant, I got a request from a friend. Mind you, I would never have seen this commercial as I don't live in the Pittsburgh area, but being a Clevelandish guy, it's fun to laugh at terrible things from Pittsburgh.

Yes, I know we have the Browns. Fuck you. We've suffered enough.

Anyway:

Let's start off with the good points...er, point: I'm not sure if this is from the original airing or if this was implemented by whoever ripped it to youtube (internet lingo win or loss?), but this video gives us 9 seconds to prep ourselves. Even if we press the play button unsure of what failed advertising ploy is before us, we get that 9 glorious moment buffer where we can say "Hey, I might like this business and this commercial could ruin my view of them!" and hit pause.

If that's the case, then I suggest you watch anyway just to see what your favorite Greater Pittsburgh Area car dealership has done with your precious moneybucks. You owe yourself that, Pittsburghers...Pittsburgians? Who cares.

And now, onto the WHAT*: First off, I know nothing about pro hockey. As stated, I am a Clevelandish guy, and we don't have a team. The Lake Erie Monsters are not pro, and I doubt they play hockey. I have no proof they do. They say so, and their commercials agree, but isn't this whole thing here to rip apart ads? I thought so.

That being said, I have no clue who these "superSTARs" are were it not for a different Youtube host pointing it out (except HIS version won't let me embed it. Thanks.) This commercial is geared and only shown around Pittsburgh, so maybe those people know who these...fantastic...actors are, but not this guy, and that's all that matters here.

Speaking of, I've seen athletes act before. LeBron's commercials are solid, Peyton Manning and Michael Phelps did well on SNL. These Oscar candidates need a bit more...chutzpah. Or to not be in this commercial. Take your pick. Let's take a look at how the director ran over this:

Colby Coolguy (I assume his first name is Colby from this, didn't do research. Not invested enough YET.): I want you to look like Napoleon Dynamite and act like him...good, now suddenly you're cooler than Zack Morris! Good transition, I felt your characterization there.

Slicky McFumanchu: First off, I want you to put the emphasis wherever it's not supposed to be. Good, now...is Austin Powers still funny? No? Well, let's upgrade to McLovin, except I want you to sound like you're having an asthma attack.

Dolph Lundgren: I'm glad we could hire you while in such high demand from your Rocky IV role. I want you to take this English for Dummies book and skim the backcover's flavor text. That's all you'll need.

Jenna (really? A girl joke? So crass) Underbite: Because you're the only one who looks like an ass-beaten hockey player, your speaking role is cut. Can't have people enjoying you. Instead, catch the keys and look longingly...oh-so-longingly. 

Zoom in on an unoriginal license plate...give the people 5 whole seconds of breathing time afterwards to realize they need to car shop anywhere else...and that's a wrap! We'll see some of you (read: the good-looking but asthmatic one) for part two!

Oh, yes. There's a Part Two.

If I truly had to rate this...and I don't have to do anything...out of 10, I'd rate this as a "Funny where they didn't want it to be funny" ad with extra points for "Foreign 'Acting'" and "Random Hot Chick Who Probably Doesn't Work Here."

Yes, I heard this was on Jay Leno. No, I don't watch Leno. Nothing against the guy, but I'm just not okay with someone who's chin rivals my own.

It's a start, people, but just take note: I put more work in this entry than anyone did on that spot. Watch it again if you want. 

*What's Here Attributes Turds.