Berries and SHUT UP.

Okay, so this one's a few years old, but I'm sure you all know what's coming if you read the header.

Alright, so what we've got here is a big ol' pile of terrible. There are people who actually love/lurve/Lessthanthree this. There also people who love genocide. I'm lookin' at you, Adolf. What? Comparing an "innocent" ad to one of the most evil beings the world has ever know is a bit harsh? Are you telling me this thing hasn't mass murdered our happiness? 

Now, don't get me wrong. I love ridiculous things. One of my best friends is the goofiest person I know, as he is the Jewish funny guy to my Aryan rage. But then that just brings us back to the previous paragraph. Offended? Blame society for not allowing our sense of humor to flourish, despite it being god-forsaken.

But back to the ridiculousness that is this train wreck. We've got the two major players: Elfballs and Deadpanmotherfucker. We won't count Random Douchebag because he's got a whole zero lines in this thing, which means he probably didn't get paid near as much to live with this pile that can ruin even a good episode of The Office. Trendy.

Play the Zelda series? Elfballs is Tingle. There you go: video game reference. Don't play it? Well, you can see exactly what he is: a grown man dressed as a little elf boy, assumedly kicked out of Santa's workshop for giving the other elves lusty glares and forwarding them granny porn. Like I said: Tingle.

Then you have DPMF who is...a deadpan motherfucker. He has no human reaction to what is going on in front of him. A normal person would shoot first, ask questions never. Or run. Or at least change facial expressions. Awesome robot impersation, guy, but I like acting from actors. Act a bit, Acty McWaityoucantact.

That's my main beef. Sure, there's the awful jingle that, try as I might, I can't bash out of my head. The dance? Not helping. There's even an instructional video by Elfballs on how to do the dance you can find online. I'd link it, but I've already provided enough to ruin your vision and hearing tonight.

But...the worst part. The absolute WORST part of this is? They have a slightly tweaked version that I actually enjoy. 

There is no stupid pause in the middle of the "song," the DPMF actually has a better expression near the end to show he's SUPER AWKWARDED OUT, like the rest of us, and the little peekaboo move by Elfballs? Only topped by the high kick, which I assume came out of frustration from DPMF's lack of...anything good.

Yet I never saw this version air. Not once. I saw the previous one, and a shortened version of it, which wasn't even better due to the brevity, but rather much worse because it was more like a bee sting than a stab wound. Sure, the stab wound lasts longer and could kill you, but what if you're deathly allergic to bees? Think about THAT. Yeah, exactly. Don't wanna end up like Macauly Culkin.

To be fair, Starburst isn't going to lose me with a shitty ad. The candies are too delicious and rainbow'd. Well...four color'd, at least. Red, Pink, Yellow, and Orange, in order of tastiness, at least. 

Disagree with my approval of candy tastes, and disagree with my commercial tastes, but what will the public think of you then? That you value a castrato's ability to bring unsolicited suckitude by dressing straight out of Oliver Twist with a bowl cut.

Rating? 7.6 for the product, a full pooper scooper for Elfballs, a connecting kick to the face for DPMF, and a condolence card for that poor soul that got conned into just sitting there wishing he was doing something productive, like writing a commercial critique blog.

Next one will be a request, just felt like bringing something familiar this round.