Ladies and germs: Norton Furniture Fridays.
Yes, the man you know and loathe will be joining us every Friday to show us some of the worst local ads you'd find anywhere. The man is a god amongst poor credited folk.
With that said, let's get down to the puke du jour: a double Marc Norton feature, just for you all to spit on.
This two parter doesn't really tell a story, but they are somewhat related. Religion in furniture sales. Makes sense, right?
Don't worry, it really won't.
Now, I'm not a very religious man, nor much of a scientific one, but any schmo with a degree in common sense can see things wrong in both categories here.
First off, lightning. We know the phrase that "lightning never strikes the same place twice." But no one told Marc Norton that! He takes the laws of science into his own greasy hands.
Okay, it's a low budget commercial, but we need some sense. Just a bit. That's all I'm asking, Marc. Not only does lightning strike (with awfully timed thunder, of course) the same place twice, it does it thrice, and the quice. Or fourice. Is there a word for four times? Get back to me on that.
Also, note that lightning generally strikes the tallest thing around. In this case, it's a giraffe. Okay, so maybe God (with his wonderful neckbeard...as a late night cartoon once said, "A beard's not an excuse for a jawline!) didn't want to kill the one giraffe around, but could he not have struck Marc, ended this piss poor campaign, and then given Noah the tools and wood? Is that not how the Bible story went?
Also, I just mentioned there was only one giraffe. There's also only one of the other animals, too. Low budget be damned, I want some damn realism. And, don't look now, but we've got ourselves a nice corralling situation. Let's just surrounded our helpless herbivores with...I dunno, what do we have in stock? An alligator/crocodile? Either one works. Oh, and a panther? Fantastic! Put them both looking menacingly toward the pig. That won't fuck up the past and, consequently, the present.
Noah seems pretty skeptical about all of this. An amish-bearded deity and then chain-smoking, hippo-riding sonofabitch shows up. And drunk. Marc threatening Noah and then falling off hippo is both the most senseless move I've seen in Norton Furniture history so far AND the best drunken moment in commercials that I've touched on so far. Sure, the ONLY drunken moment, but the best nonetheless.
And then Noah says "fuck it." Sure, he doesn't actually say it, but when you're presented with the shitty situation and whacked out events that just occured, what would you do? Smoke up, I'm sure, but I'm guessing Noah's either already high or out of the good stuff.
And what Bible story wouldn't be complete without threats of eternal damnation?
Yes, Marc Norton avoids the lightning bolt obviously meant for him (that lightning is what I pray for before I go to sleep) by drunkenly spilling off his 3 foot plastic hippo, but he's no match for high cholesterol! Yes, Marc Norton, master of spinning suicide for furniture commercials and then wrecking Noah's story has now dug further by having himself keel over.
But what of the ability to get furniture, even with bad credit? Where will we go now?!
To hell, of course.
Good news for people who have credit problems, you'll still go to hell.
Wait...good news? If you go to heaven or don't believe in that stuff, sure. But if you end up in hell with this fella...well, enjoy.
But that's not all you've won! You also won a non-descript white devil, two ugly devil women, and one devil in decent devilish makeup! Huzzah!
But wait, there's more! You also win Tom Selleck hissing in your ear! We promise his breath will be as good as this commercial.
Is Selleck THE Satan? Or is he just Lucifer P.I.? Who cares, the reference is deader than Marc Norton*.
There's really not much more to be said about these commercials, which combined total a horrific one minute of neuron-frying TV, but there's always a piss-poor ratings system.
Deg-ratings! Pun'd!
-God: thanks for the world and life and all, but keep your hands out of this. Take a step back and think about it. All of us are created in your image. But then there's Marc Norton. 3 Plagues for you, sir. And some plaque.
-Noah: You look younger than I remember you. And now you're helping sell furniture. Minus 2 of every point for you.
-Devils: If you're what I get to see when/if I go to hell, then I'm sure I did something fucked up in life. One mediocre point for the mediocre white devil, two powder puffs and three lipsticks for the uggos, and a transfer for the "realistic" devil. A transfer to middle management. That's hell, ain't it fellas? HA!
-Tom Selleck: I take it you're in hell for that "In & Out" movie about a gay Kevin Kline and a gayer you? Nothing against the gay community. I am a theatre person, after all, but you know what those "always" right conservatives say: those who like the same sex always end up in the hecks. I wish they'd say that, at least. It'd be funnier.
-Marc Norton: You get 0 points, and you can count on it.
Stay tuned for nerdier updates tomorrow. Hint: it involves the interweb. The one you're on right now!
*No, he's not dead. Not for real, anyway. Which means we'll continually get new advertising from him. Yay.
1 comment:
Gahaha, these two commercials were a lot funnier than the Charlie Chaplin line. The juxtaposition between the cataclysmic events that happen and Marc Norton's scratchy voice is terrific.
The first one was great not only because the entire concept is bizarre (how would Norton's Furniture accepting bad credit benefit Noah in any way? Unless the store carries 40' x 40' arks), but also because there seems to be some fascination with the pig's rear end. Not only does the Noah character try to get the animal to move by moving his hands towards it, but Norton stops his fall by holding on to none other than the pig's behind.
I did a Google search and I found this: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=154809556
The guy's only 49? He sure seems older. :| And this is classic:
"Marc will be in his store throughout the entire month of november and december. Stop by and meet Marc today."
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