No, you didn't, because I took the end of the week off.
But I'm back, so deal with it. Back from enjoying some beers, some gaming, some Wii Fit (combining exercise and fun is like combining a product and portraying it on TV with my approval: rare, but awesome), and some other stuff, including both Jon Stewart's and Stephen Colbert's books, which both happen to be full of snark. It's quite the recharge.
So let's dive into what will be a comparison of creepiness between a well-recognized advertising gimmick and a brand new character from a company which just piles on the unnecessary cast members.
We begin with the challenger: Geico!
The Geico Gecko: thumbs up. The Cavemen: thumbs up when they aren't forced into a sitcom. Remember that cartoon based off the Budweiser frogs? Yeah, me neither, because Budweiser wasn't a fuckwit. The celebrity colorful descriptions: mostly thumbs up.
A wad of money with googly eyes that don't google (the jiggly sense, not the interweb search sense, of course): thumbs-up-the-butt, a.k.a. thumbs down or thumb screws.
Let's see...put a haughty bitch with lots of pearls (probably from her husband back in the day when he gave a fuck about her) flirting with someone until a Chinese stereotype waiter explains it's money.
Yes, you dumb bitch, you were flirting with the Benjamins or Jacksons or whatever lingo for cash is hip today. And you gave your husband a huge stink eye for what, taking you to a nice dinner and buying you a huge pearl necklace? Get over yourself, jerkette. I'm siding with Captain Baldy over there.
And thanks for the insurance advice, Chinaman, and then repetition of the word Geico, and the repetition of the word Geico, and the repetition of the word Geico, and APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! No, not Head On, but rather my fist. Do you really need to drop Geico's name once more before you leave the table? It's not like we won't recognize who gave us a sub par ad compared to their rather decent campaigns.
Also, yeah, creepy. A pile of money staring at you. You can feel its eyes boring into your head, waiting for that moment to slip the roofie in her drink. It's not a good feeling. It's also the worst-looking Muppet there is (yes, I know it's not an actual Muppet, but here we are, me not caring and all). It's not easy being green, and it's apparently not easy being tolerable.
Score 2 creepy points for Bug-eyed Bucks. One for his stare, one for his soliciting Chinese backup.
But now, the Champion's rebuttal.
That's right! The King is back! Not Elvis, not LeBron, but the Burger King, champion of creepers and stalkers everywhere.
Now, see, I know making fun of The King and his stalkeritude is drawn out and blah, blah, blah, but I don't give a fuck. You should've learned that by now.
Plus, this commercial isn't all that creepy to me. First off, I love this ad campaign. Most of you do, too, which is why he's stayed around and had his share of sexual suggestive appearances (you've seen some, and I've got one more you haven't seen in store), but here I don't see him as suddenly appearing in this guy's bed.
Well, that's not true, but let's spin the story from Ian's brain, shall we?
What we have here is a classic case of 10-5-2. Some of you know where I'm coming from, and you love it, but those that don't, here's a short explanation, and understand this comes from a drunken partying standpoint: 10 when you meet her, 5 when you're makin' out with her, and 2 when you wake up next to her. But instead of a her, it's a plastic-headed fast food mascot.
And you tapped that. Walk of shame for YOU, my friend.
The creepiness isn't really there in this ad, to be honest. Awkwardness, yes, it's abound, but less creepiness than you originally thought, eh?
Well...until you realized it's made you breakfast. Yet you didn't have any crossaints, bacon, or even cheese in your house, nor do you actually have a functioning stove. So how'd he do it? Actually, better question: how'd you do him? That outfit seems difficult to stumble through while smashed, but hey, good for you. You get to not call this guy in the two days he expects and get to avoid eye contact when you have the urge for a Whopper.
So, scorewise, we'll give him 1 point, for the huge head. Non-specified, of course.
2-1 in favor of BeB, but it's not over yet!
Well, okay, it is, but just for tonight. We're makin' this a two-parter, ladies and germs.
Of course we'll have ratings.
Cuckold (look it up, jerks): 1 divorce and $100,000 you don't have to spend on that bitch of an ex-wife anymore. Oh...wait. Alimony. Sucker.
Whore Wife: 1 fuckwad of money to use as you want. You going to sex it up like it looks like, or are you going to spend it? And if you spend it, what will you buy? A vibrator? Will that not cancel out the original purpose of sexing the fuckwad up? Is this a pointless rant? Yes, it is. Welcome to this blog, people.
Chinaman: Three "Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra"s. You love "A Christmas Story," too. Don't give me that look.
BeB: Last place in the Geico Mascot race. Also, the Geico Gecko and Cavemen didn't compete. That is how hard you lost.
Hungover S.O.B.: 3 Pubic Lice, 2 Awkward Glances, and a Croissanwich for your Piehole.
The King: 6 billion collective shivers from the world over.
See you on Wednesday for the dramatic* conclusion.
*Pointless, yet necessary, but also not necessary at all. Don't know WHERE I'm coming from!
1 comment:
Yeah, Geico has had pretty good commercials but that was just a stinker. Here's hoping that Geico could win the naming rights for the new Nationals Stadium.
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