Early'd!
That being said, I couldn't find a single horrid Christmas commercial (sorry Hanukkah fans and Kwanzaa-ites, none for you, either), and yes, I know it's always Happy Holidays instead. Well, fuck that.
Instead, I'll be showing some holiday commercialism that's somewhat decent and pick what I hate out of those. Works for me; better work for you.
We start off raunchy! And in no way is that a good thing here. But my main gripe here isn't that we're forced to expect heavy petting and...well, that's kind of what we get, but the product is not as advertised.
No, not referencing TBWA, which is something I'm totally unfamiliar with (Damn you, Canada), but a dog lickin' his balls.
I don't just work blue, people. I work purple. Blue and Red with rage. You love it.
But back to the point: the self-fellatio here is the key to the commercial, and funny to boot. But the fact that you see a Christmas tree right there, but the tagline is Happy Holidays. Don't specify with mistletoe, tinsel, and a fucking Christmas tree right there if you mean to include everyone. Throw in a menorah and a kinara if you want to include everyone, you PC pricks!
I still can't get that awful slobbering noise out of my head. Gee-Rose. Pronounced Gross, people.
Movin' on!
At least this one doesn't specify holidays, you segregating sack of crap TBWA!
I really don't have a huge gripe with this one, but with the campaign as a whole. I find these things pretty funny with their awkward situations, like the family at the nude beach, the techno hostel, etc. But lately, AT&T's commercials, which are shades better than those Alltel ones we puked on before, have become almost morbid and scarring. The exploding turkey? The scary dinosaur for your daughter's birthday? This Snowman's death one?
Okay, let's be fair, he does say he'll be back next year. After spending all his time having his limbs torn off by passing dogs, his eyes popping out, all while being naked and then melting, having to spend his time switching between clouds and puddles and the like, probably never being whole again.
But nothing touches on the horror that is this bonus ad:
He was named Slate?! How horrifying is that?!
Actually, not at all. Instead, it's pretty badass. That is, until he went kaboom.
Yes, while I find this commercial to be awesome, it's also showing what AT&T wants their message to be: Get AT&T or You're Dead. Or, as Puff Diddly Doodad would say: AT&T or Die, mothafucka.
But, for all holiday commercials this year, I have to stick with this one as my favorite.
Sorry, Anti-Jesus fans. This one specifically states "Christmas," so if you're someone who loves to bitch, feel free to send Gamestop a message about their insensitivity. Or you can just tell them this commercial is all sorts of awesome.
Yes, we're back on the sex topic, and like before, I don't have many complaints here. We all know the dad's going to cumfiscate those.
Oh, confiscate. Slipped!
Though I'd like to provide a tip for the kid whose room that is: INTERNET. It's all about saving space, jackass. Now just get rid of those dirty mags and get to clickin'. Let your dad keep your Booty Booty Buttcheeks subscription and you can learn the wonders of turning off Google's safe search.
Oh, wait! I've just been informed! We DO have a bad commercial! And it has Santa himself!
Norton Furniture? You DID get my letter, Santa! And you realized what a terrible person I've been, so you gave me just what nobody wanted!
This one has everything you want for Christmas: a hot Mrs. Claus.
Oh, and everything you don't want, like over-sized elves, an obnoxiously loud Santa, and Marc Norton.
Note the drunken elves, especially the fat one, who decides to get a good whiff of Mrs. Claus' ass by the end of the bit. That's not creepy enough? Then let's have Santa denying you presents because you have bad credit! You may have used all your credit cards to purchase clothing, food, and toys for the broken and homeless and may be well on your way to sainthood, but fuck you! Santa doesn't like your score from Freecreditreport.com, so you're boned!
BUT WAIT! Marc Norton is here and without his actual catch phrases! Instead of getting credit at his store (or you can't get it anywhere), he says he can fix bad credit! Magic! Wonderful!
And he guarantees same-day delivery, you say? How do you know?
"C'mon."
I may've preferred it being because Diddy said Norton fixes bad credit. (Shades Down)
And why the fuck does everyone burst out into laughter after that "C'mon"? Because it's a shitty commercial. That's all the explanation you need, people.
I gave all my ratings to the broken and homeless this week, so you're out of luck, commercials. The good ones get leftover high-fives, Marc Norton gets a lump of coal chucked right at his head.
Happy Whateveryoucelebrate, and I'll see you...next week. I'm taking Friday off. You already got your Norton!
1 comment:
All I can say is...that was the best Norton Furniture ad yet coherence-wise. That may drop it a few ratings on the cheesiness scale, but the hot Mrs. Santa makes it worth it. The rest of the ads...wow. I saw the snowman one on TV, and that was just sad (as in tragic sad.) My sister said she hated the snowman's voice though.
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