Before I show you one of the many wonders of this man you are about to meet, let me say that he has graced many-a-late night TV viewing with his black-clothed presence. 1 A.M. syndicated Scrubs is nothing without this god of sales keeping us hooked in between episode acts.
This is no mere man, ladies and gentlemen. This...is Marc Norton. He is the king of credit, the captain of variety, and the lord of all that is bad, yet alluring commercials. You cannot turn away when he pops up on your screen. You can try, but you will fail. Here is just one of his recent advertising endeavors.
Yes, ladies and germs, not even the late Charlie Chaplin is safe from this man's clutches. He'd be rolling in his grave were he not too busy sighing and slapping his forehead and having a Hitler stache.
This commercial came to be soon after the economy started throwing a world-class hissy fit. Is it not fitting that ol' Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin be resurrected, as he was still making films during the Great Depression? Nice touch, Marc! I feel this is going in a creative direction.
Oh. Wait. Hmm....
Yeah, nothing's funnier than someone down on his luck almost shooting himself. Sensitivity score DOWN.
But wait! Here he comes to save the daaaaay~! Marc shows up in the nick of time to spout off one of his...two raspy catchphrases! "If you can't get credit at" blah blah blah. Because someone about to off himself really wants a new chintz lounge.
Now, don't get me wrong. This commercial showcases what it wants: even if you have bad credit, you can still get sub par furniture from a shady man, and he will even bring it to your house that same day! Maybe play some checkers, wine & dine a little, whattya say?
Oh...except they don't show furniture anymore. The old ads did, yeah, along with some of the creepiest shit you'll ever see on TV. And I don't mean just local access advertising. I mean on any of the surplus of channels, most of which we don't need. Well, unless you really enjoy the All Douche, All The Time channel. I know I've got it favorited.
We then have some man love from Chuckie C. and they walk off, palling around, not connecting on a "humorous kick," into the sunset. Wait. Into the wall. The very obvious wall. Also, they found out Chaz's credit really WAS that bad...so he couldn't even get credit at Norton Furniture...which means he can't get credit anywhere. And then the oversized handgun, and then a lawsuit.
Shadows be damned, it's a sunset. I want to believe it all worked out!
No. I reeeeeally don't.
A short commercial, but not near short enough. You may enjoy listening to someone who apparently smokes 8 packs a day, but not me. I hate Neil Diamond's raspy voice, why would I like Marc's?
I'm sure he's a cool guy in real life, likes to poke fun at himself, blah blah, but if you're going to make commercials bad, whether intentionally or not, I'm going to bring them here.
Mind you, this commercial could've been better with one change: actually put in the old subtitle cards from before talkies were invented. We get rid of those grating vocals and it keeps the theme running. Also, no suicide. While I'm sure it has contexts where it can be funny, I don't think it goes with buying a loveseat.
Then again, his name IS Mark, and he does say you can count on it, so who am I to disagree?
Well, I am me to disagree. And that's good enough to bitch about things I don't like, including that commercial.
Rating time!
-Chaplin Dopplerganger: 1st prize for winning a Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest over the man himself (actually happen to the real Chaplin. Look it up.) but also 1273 insensitivity points for your gun pointed at your cranium, no matter how comically large both are.
-Marc: you haunt my dreams. You are the reason I want to have good credit, so I can go anywhere else to get a La-Z-Boy. You are the reason I don't wear all black anymore and I shed my ponytail. You are all that is wrong with Cleveland. Yes, even moreso than the Browns.
But, though your commercials be eye-gouging and brain-wrenching, I'll give you 7 style points for seeming to know how awful your ads are. Now I suggest you take those points and buy some production value.
Don't worry, people. You'll be getting a dose of Marc Norton every little bit. He's too bad to pass up on a site dedicated to his kind of slop.
Wait. Maybe you should worry.
3 comments:
But it had The Entertainer, which is a good thing!
The walking into the obvious wall part was weird, but other than that it wasn't too bad. I suppose it's because I don't live in the Cleveland area. I'm sure I'd have to ask BooTheGhost about it.
I heard their feet clunk into the wall? Maybe.
Oh, and I like the Norton Furniture Take Over ad. I'd even enjoy a second swing against Marc.
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